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Key points
- Individuals with BPD often experience periods of rage which cause them to lash out at others.
- The rage is often associated with a perceived challenge to their idealized self-image.
- These outbursts are very damaging to relationships.
- Understanding where the lashing out comes from informs two strategies for minimizing conflict.
A common symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is rageful lashing out at others. These rages often appear to be precipitated by minor issues or even manufactured issues. Targets of these rages, often relatives or others who are close, feel beaten up by these episodes while wondering what they might have done wrong that warranted such aggressive reactions. These episodes are very challenging to relationships; they always damage relationships and sometimes end them. Understanding the underlying mechanisms that produce disproportionate anger and rage offers strategies to maintain relationships with individuals with BPD symptoms while minimizing your hurt.
Individuals with symptoms of BPD suffer from unstable mood, self-perception, and relationships. The way they treat others is affected by these changes, which can occur quickly and sometimes without identifiable provocation. They can go from jovial to hostile in an instant at any time. These changes often occur abruptly because BPD causes those afflicted to view the world in binary, or black-and-white, concepts. Their view of themselves is vulnerable to shifting from an idealized or grandiose view to self-loathing. During the idealized self-view, they are sometimes seen as narcissistic, as they express grandiosity and insist that they are correct even while others disagree. During the loathing, or devalued state, they may resort to self-mutilation or other forms of self-harm or dishonor. In many situations borderline rage is actually driven by a need to eliminate any evidence that conflicts with the idealized self or confirms the devalued self. This is demonstrated in the following dialogue between Zoe, who has symptoms of BPD and her mother.*
Mom: Zoe, do you know where my car keys are?
Zoe: How would I know?
Mom: You use the car sometimes.
Zoe: So, if there is a problem, it must be me.
Mom: I didn’t say that.
Zoe: Now you are gaslighting me.
Mom: Why are you acting this way?
Zoe: I don’t need to use your car anymore. I am not a thief or a liar.
Mom: I didn’t accuse you of anything. I was just asking about the car key.
Zoe: You lost your car key and you are blaming me. Great parenting.
Zoe’s need to continuously reinforce her idealized self-view causes her to be overly vigilant, or outright paranoid about slights from others. For this reason, she heard her mother’s neutral question about the car keys as accusation that she is flawed. Zoe attacks the perceived accusation, and her mother, to defend her idealized self-image in an effort to neutralize the threat.
The concepts of idealization and devaluation are by definition distortions. Idealized means better than real and devalued means worse. Defending a distorted ideal requires further distortion of what is real. In the above example, Zoe distorts the meaning of what her mother is saying in order to create an opportunity to defend her image as one who never errs or does anything wrong. This is why individuals with symptoms of BPD are loathe to apologize for anything: If they acknowledge an error or a flaw, in their eyes they become worthless.
Understanding that Zoe has symptoms of BPD that cause her to be highly vigilant for any statements or actions that challenge her idealized self-view, her mother can use the following tools to minimize conflict without enabling unhealthy behavior.
Preemptive Strategy
There are tools that you can use to mitigate some of the conflict before it occurs. Using these tools involves understanding the need to protect the idealized self-image associated with the tendency to see things in black-and-white terms. This allows you to provide reassurance before addressing any topic that might possibly threaten their self-image. Zoe’s mother could have accomplished this by beginning her interaction by saying “I misplaced my car keys. Can you help me find them please?” This statement conveys to Zoe that mom is responsible for the lost keys and is just asking for help.
Even in a situation where the individual with symptoms of BPD might have some responsibility, conflict can be minimized by focusing on your part in the transaction. For example, if Zoe’s mother had just lent her the car and did not get the keys back yet, she can say, “Zoe, I forgot to ask you to give me the car keys back. May I have them?”
Reactive Strategy
Like many people in relationships with individuals with BPD, you may find that conflicts sometimes ignite quickly and intensely seemingly without precipitant, or out of nowhere. When this happens, preemptive tools may no longer be available. This was the case for Zoe’s mother. When Zoe said, “So, if there is a problem it must be me," her mood and her facial expression changed. Mom knew that Zoe was getting agitated. She tried to respond by saying “I didn’t say that," but this only made Zoe more aggressive because she heard this as defensive and accused mom of gaslighting her.
If you find yourself in a conflict with someone with symptoms of BPD, you will minimize the intensity of the conflict by offering validation and contrition for hurting their feelings. When responding to Zoe, her mother might have said, “I see that what I said hurt you. I am so sorry. I did not mean to hurt you or cause distress. I meant to ask your help in finding my car keys."
Individuals with symptoms of BPD often manifest instability of self that destabilizes their mood and behavior. Shifts in self-perception and mood often create conflict in relationships when they feel that their idealized sense of self is challenged in any way. This is often associated with aggressive lashing out. The above strategies can help to minimize these conflicts when utilized by those in relationships with these individuals.
* Examples are constructed from aspects of different transactions involving different individuals.
