Should You Treat Your Baby Like Your Phone?

There are some striking parallels between what phones and what babies expect of you.

Carrying

When I first started using my phone to count steps, I was annoyed to find out that if I put it in my roller bag, it would not count anything. The phone needed to feel my back-and-forth walking motion to count my steps.

Babies have features like this too. Babies spent the first part of their lives in a walking womb so walking caregivers provide a familiar, calming rhythm. Experimental research demonstrates that rocking actually helps primate brain development (as Mason and Berkson, 1975, demonstrated with monkeys). And maybe most important for baby and parent happiness, the rocking that comes from being carried activates the cilia in the gut, helping digestion. Baby carrying was almost constant in our ancestral context (humanity’s 99%) where babies were not “spoiled” but grew up happy and cooperative (Hewlett & Lamb, 2005).

• Bottom line: Carry baby as much as possible. Whether phone or baby, riding in a stroller or in a car is not the same as walking.

Looking

Our phones want us to look at them and we enjoy looking at them. In fact, looking at them can be quite addictive and many people feel anxious when apart from their phones.

Under naturalistic birth conditions, mom and baby love to look at each other immediately after birth (Trevathan, 2011), a time when both bodies are geared up to feel rewarded when together (Buckley, 2015). When you look at a baby, their brain grows—neural networks advance (Schore, 2019). Shared eye gaze is important for baby brain development (at least in the USA studies; other cultures carry babies skin to skin and may not look at them as much).

Faces produce various subtle communications, unlike a stuffed animal or iPhone. A phone doesn’t light up in the subtle ways a face does, shifting every few seconds with emotional communication, shared expectations, and meaning. Sharing gaze with baby grows the brain in social ways, including shared attention.

• Bottom line: Communicate with baby eye to eye (following their interest, of course).

Responding

Our phones expect us to respond to them when they ring or ding. Their communications are hard to resist.

Babies expect immediate response too. In the womb, baby’s needs were met on cue—there were no delays to cause distress. After birth, you might think babies should be able to take care of themselves, like other animals who walk around and feed themselves within the first few hours of postnatal life. We know that is impossible. In fact, human babies don’t look physiologically like a newborn of other animals until 18 months of age (Montagu, 1968; Trevathan, 2011). So when a baby gives a signal of discomfort—usually facial, then squirming, then gestures, parents should move in. Don’t wait for a cry, that is a late signal, showing that distress is already starting to flood baby’s body.

• Bottom line: Become addicted to baby in the same way—respond with delight, your face lighting up. Babies expect their needs to be eagerly met.

Playing

Your phone gives you clickbait and games; it expects you to “play” with it and grows to know you from what you select.

Babies do the same. They expect playful, responsive attention and learn unique ways to interact with each caregiver. In fact, babies learn who they are partly by the way we treat them. If we treat them with empathy, they will likely think they are worth it. If we treat them harshly, they may learn to think they are defective, carrying that basic fault with them ever after (Balint, 1968).

• Bottom line: Treat babies with companionship care and they grow in a healthy manner.

Related posts include Five Things NOT to Do to Babies and Baby Care: 3 Rs for Raising a Happy Child.