How to Make Criticism a Gift

Source: Photo by Liza Summer / Pexels

If criticism were an object, some people would think of it as a dagger, a spear, or a two-by-four aimed at the head. Too few think of it as a gift that can be useful and lead to beneficial long-term change. The difference may have something to do with our relationship to the critic, how criticism-tolerant we are, and how the criticism has been delivered. There are also some people who cannot handle any criticism, no matter how mild, well-presented, or justified.

Many of us have had positive experiences with criticism delivered lovingly and thoughtfully. Often, however, criticism occurs in the heat of an argument and, therefore, feels only hurtful. Criticism used as a weapon in an emotional battle can be damaging to a relationship and not easily withdrawn when the battle is over. Many people dole out criticism with a heavy hand when they are angry or uncomfortable. Some people store resentments for too long and as a result deliver their criticism in the form of an explosive discharge, rather than a thoughtful and gently expressed communication.

When people are unable or unwilling to accept reasonable criticism, two of the most common—and unfortunate—reactions are to automatically deny the validity of the criticism, responding with comments like, "No, I don't," and "That's not true," or to counterattack with, "Well, you do it, too," "You're not perfect, either," and, "You're crazy."

In improving one's ability to handle criticism, it is helpful to distinguish between the validity of the complaint and how it is expressed. Valid criticism is usually based on accurate perceptions of events or behavior. The critic is motivated by a desire to help and provides solid suggestions for change. Credence should be given to what is being said, particularly if the criticism is expressed by more than one person or if the critic knows a great deal about the subject and is generally someone who has and applies reasonable standards of behavior.

Unjustified criticism may be delivered by someone when you don't live up to his or her expectations. The critic might nag, recite your failures as a person, try to appear smarter or better than you, or criticize what you are doing to get you to do something else. These factors also need to be considered when thinking about the significance of what is being said.

The most useful way to respond to criticism is to show respect for yourself and your critic, without attacking or surrendering. Your intention should be to resolve misunderstandings, acknowledge what may be accurate in the criticism, and reduce the intensity of an unjustified attack.

There are three communication techniques that are effective in responding to criticism: acknowledging, disarming, and probing.

Acknowledging: When someone criticizes you and the criticism is accurate, an appropriate response is simply to agree. This technique allows you to accept your mistake without "beating yourself up" or being overly apologetic. Say, "You're right," thank the critic, and apologize or explain yourself, if appropriate. For instance:

Criticism: "Can't you be more careful when you put your dirty clothes in the wash? You left a tissue in your pocket again so now I have to re-wash everything!"

Response: "You're right. I should have checked my pockets first. Thanks for washing my clothes again."

Disarming: This is one of the most difficult, yet powerful, techniques for handling criticism. Disarming allows you to respond to the situation without escalating it or acknowledging that you actually agree with the way the criticism is expressed:

Criticism: "You're such a slob. You never clean up after yourself."

Response: "You're right. I did leave the dishes in the sink yesterday." (This acknowledges that you left the dishes in the sink, but ignores the exaggeration that you never clean up after yourself and the global judgment that you are a "slob.")

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Probing: This technique is effective when you can't tell if the criticism is valid or unjustified because the critic is vague. Probing is a way for you to gain clarification from the critic. Using where, what, when, how, and why questions allows you to elicit the information you need to judge how to respond to the criticism:

Criticism: "You don't work well with the customers."

Response: "Was there a recent situation that concerns you?" Or: "Would you give me an example of what I do that you believe is "not working well" with the customers?"

Perhaps the very best that one can do when criticism occurs is to recognize it as an opportunity for personal growth. No matter how badly a critique may hurt, there may be good that can come out of it. Challenging yourself to discover how criticism can help you is valuable and something to strive for, no matter how difficult.