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Mindfulness
How Mindfulness Can Help You Savor Your Life
Aside from its health benefits, mindfulness can help us live well
Posted April 9, 2019
Dr. Irvin Yalom is a living legend in the psychotherapy community, a renowned author and existential and group psychotherapist. In his book about overcoming the terror of death, Staring at the Sun, he wrote of a famous philosopher, Heidegger, who makes a crucial distinction between two ways we exist in the world: the Ontological mode of being and the Everyday mode of being.
In Ontological mode, we know every moment is precious, we’re in touch with what really matters—like our friendships and loved ones—and we are mindful that every moment, breath, bite, and step are not to be taken for granted. We’re in touch with our morality and the temporary preciousness of life. Accessing Ontological mode doesn't mean life is always easy, but it helps us feel the preciousness of every moment viscerally, even in the midst of significant struggle, loss, and pain.
By contrast, in Everyday mode of being, sadly, the state Yalom postulated that most people live in most of the time, we’re mindless: our attention feels helplessly dispersed, absorbed in the incessant chatter of the mind and the inevitable day-to-day annoyances—like why the Lyft was 10 minutes late or why your iPhone froze for 5 seconds. In Everyday mode, we miss the bigger picture of the miracle of life, and all the things we have to be grateful for like our limbs, our family, food, our bed, a job, access to clean air and water—all of our natural blessings we tend to take for granted.
Many diagnosed with cancer report their cancer taught them to prioritize what really matters in life, like their closest relationships, and shrug off life's constant annoyances. For them, cancer was the gateway to Ontological being. Tragically, in their last days, many of them lamented, "Why do I need to be dying to finally learn how to live?! Why do I need to be dying to realize what a blessing it is to be physically healthy?"
A popular cinema example is Rami Malek who played Freddie Mercury in the hit movie Bohemian Rhapsody (Spoiler alert). His emotional response to being diagnosed with AIDS brought him to Ontological mode, out of his Everyday mode funk. He played his best concert yet toward the end of the Oscar-winning film. He stayed dedicated to what he loved, music until he couldn't anymore.
Now, I’m reminding you that you can access Ontological way of being well before you’re dying. Mindfulness practice, a deliberate form of mental training in which we compassionately and non-judgmentally return to the present when our mind wanders, is a potent doorway. We can literally sensitize our minds to the preciousness of life, moment by moment, by learning to better modulate our attention and intentionally decide where we place it. Again, this doesn't mean life is always easy; Ontological mode isn't magic. However, it can help us access the preciousness of every moment even when facing significant challenges and losses. Knowing that our moments are numbered can make even difficult moments bearable, trusting in the wisdom that they are bearable and will pass.
I don’t know about you, but I want to live as much as I can in Ontological mode. Although we won't always get there so easily (in certain situations it's futile to try and wise to surrender to Everyday mode like when he had pending deadlines), practicing mindfulness can help us access Ontological mode of being. It does this by strengthening the muscle of where and how we use our attention. Yes, it can help us do this now before we or a loved one is possibly diagnosed with a terminal illness, even with a few minutes of practice a few times weekly.
Vietnamese Buddhist monk, peace activist, and prolific author Thich Nhat Hanh recommends a few breathing practices that can open us to Ontological mode. Among my favorite are, gently repeating to ourselves as we breathe in, "Present moment," and as we exhale, "wonderful moment." Other variations are, "smile," on the in-breath and "release," on the exhale. For children, it can be as basic as inhaling "yes," to life, and exhaling "thanks" to life. It isn't about the words, however, but noticing the calm sensations in the bodies as the habit energy releases. The words are just scaffolding.
On a personal note, in the special moments when I am accessing Ontological mode, which is closely related to the quality and frequency of my mindfulness practice, I'm calm, happy, and unfazed by the "little annoyances" and stressors I am currently facing. Instead, I’m in touch with the deep sense of well-being and peace that emanates from merely being alive. In this state, I can feel how this sense of peace is always there, bellowing below the mind's agitated surface. If asked, my loved ones would report, predictably, that I'm much more pleasant to be around when I'm in Ontological mode. This commitment to live in Ontological mode as much as possible isn't ultimately about me, but everyone who has to put up with me!
In a later post, I will talk about why committing to a mindfulness practice is not only to improve your well-being but is a deeply social endeavor at its core; it can make life better for everyone.
