When You Know Your Why, You Can Figure Out the How

When we know more about our personal reasons for why we are or aren’t doing something, we can then be better incentivized to take the next best steps. This approach to self-awareness can be helpful with motivational issues or difficult times. Getting to the underlying causal issues of a particular struggle or negative behavioral habit provides a way out.

Understanding whether our sadness, for instance, is more related to a recent loss, a childhood trauma that’s been triggered in a current relationship, or biological limitations that are impacting mood helps in knowing how to proceed next. When we are in a more confused or abstract mindset about our status, it is harder to figure out what comes next; however, when we uncover more about what’s going on, we can make a change.

Source: Sandra Wartski

There's Something Under the Iceberg

We’ve all seen pictures of icebergs where only the icy base above the water is visible, but we know there is a more massive, deeper foundation of ice lurking below the water. Humans are also icebergs of sorts, with only some portions visible while other significant portions of our internal world is more hidden. The underlying structure is sometimes hidden not only from others but also from ourselves. Knowing the general footprint of our lower portion iceberg helps us to navigate life more effectively, as we all know the fateful conclusion of the Titanic. Having more personal awareness of what might be the underpinning of different behaviors and habits can be highly beneficial. Self-awareness and self-knowledge allow us to be more aware of our present moment status, and this helps us when we are looking to make a change in our lives.

Why Is the Baby Crying?

When symptoms, intrusive thoughts, or blocks arise, it can be confusing and frustrating. Often there is a connection to something of importance that might be embedded deep within ourselves, but accessing that is often difficult if we are being demanding or derogatory. Just as we might ideally approach a crying baby, being compassionately curious about what the cry might be signaling, doing this to ourselves allows for more effective solution generation. Does the baby need a diaper change, food, sleep, or a change in position? We hopefully would approach a crying child without anger or aggression, and we deserve this same sort of kindness with ourselves. If we notice ourselves being fretful, forgetful or cranky, can we gently look at what might be contributing to these behaviors rather than demanding or derogatory name-calling of ourselves? Knowing the source of the problem doesn't fully solve the situation but it does allow us to have more of a specific direction.

How Best to Thaw an Ice Cube

Often if we are feeling discouraged with progress or feeling challenged by stuckness, we can trace it back to a negative internal message or voice from another time or situation. We didn’t come into the world engaging in hurtful behaviors, hating ourselves or thinking badly about ourselves, but this can unfortunately get shaped and reinforced by certain interpersonal or traumatic situations. Some inner monologues or events are frozen in time, and they sometimes need uncovering so they can be thawed and reshaped. Just as ice thaws better with warmth rather than cold, using warm compassion with ourselves is needed to better understand the icy block. As the outer layer softens, we can find that smart, sensitive part of ourselves that may have been hurt and so protected itself from more hurt. And it is often this part that holds wisdom, awareness and insight for the next best step.

Name and Frame to Tame and Aim

There is much value in observing, describing, and naming what is going on with our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Just the action of putting words to a behavior helps us take a breath, step back, and engage our prefrontal cortex (the logical, thinking part of our brain) rather than only reacting from our limbic system (the emotional, fight-flight part of the brain). We begin by naming the issue (“I am feeling really nervous about this conversation” or “I am having the thought that I am not going to do a good job”). We then work on a frame for the thought, often by looking at why this might be happening (“This makes sense that I am nervous because I care about this relationship and it’s hard to be honest” or “I know I have a pattern of self-defeating thoughts that stem from difficult situations in the past”). Putting a frame around an issue at hand is like building a container, which makes coping with that issue a bit more manageable. Engaging in this process doesn’t immediately settle or tame all the anxiety or apprehension but can lower the intensity, and this then allows for more forward-movement action to occur. When we are more settled and clearer in our understanding, the aim of the next best step becomes sharper in focus.

Reflection Questions

• Is there a block in your life that might benefit from self-reflection?
• Can you apply some metaphorical considerations for better figuring out the function of the stuckness?
• Are you using compassionate curiosity to explore potential underlying issues?