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By Amber Champagne, Guest Contributor
When we talk about suicide, it’s often in the context of factors leading up to the event and how it could have been prevented. While these warning signs are important to understand, this hindsight can be harmful to and increase feelings of guilt in those who have lost a loved one to suicide. I know—I’m a "suicide survivor" who thinks we need to devote more attention to people like me who go through an entirely separate struggle of our own.
The term “suicide survivor” is often used in self-help articles to refer to the people who are left behind by someone who takes their own life. This term is accurate in the aftermath of losing someone, because all you can really do is try to survive day by day. At first, surviving seems impossible, but as time goes by, you survive a little longer, and you start to realize you’re getting a little stronger. This, coupled with support from friends and family, might be all you need.
For those of you who haven’t lost a loved one to suicide, I pray you never have to endure what I went through—the sudden loss, the shock, the pain, the endless questions. At first, time moves slowly. Everything is foggy around you. People with good intentions will tell you they understand your loss, but they don’t—how could they? I often find myself wondering how my life might be different. Would I still be where I am today? Would I have been as driven to pursue my doctorate in clinical psychology? But mostly, I find myself wishing that my father was present for holidays and celebrations. I find myself wanting to call him and keep him up to date with what’s happening in my life.
The world was a better place with him in it. He was selfless, ambitious, intelligent, adventurous and passionate. He was someone who made the most of his life and never made excuses, despite the adversities he endured. I worry that he is forgotten because the world keeps moving. Many people like my father become a distant memory and the face of a forgotten tragedy.
If I’ve learned one thing from losing my dad, it’s that suicide-related grief does not play by the rules. There’s no timeline because it’s unnatural and sudden. The stages of grief (anger, denial, depression, bargaining, and acceptance) do not quite seem to fit. Some days you are hopeless. Some days your anger is directed at your loved one, other days you are angry at yourself or your family. You might even blame the world (their job, the hospital, their doctors) for pushing your loved one over the edge. Something seemingly insignificant might trigger you to break down about your loss. Every negative event after this loss might pile up and bury you a little deeper, even if your loss occurred years ago.
I often wondered if there were others like me with complicated grief that never seemed to dissipate. This information is difficult to find as a clinical psychologist in training, so I can only imagine how hard it is for the general public to find. Countless books gloss over suicide warning signs, but there is not a readily available guideline to tell me how long my grief might last or what the future might hold. Suicide survivors might feel isolated in their complicated grief and trauma, without fully meeting the criteria for a diagnosis. Loss can feel recent no matter how much time passes.
Suicide survivors need a guide and a source of information that will lead them toward some form of acceptance. Acceptance might look different from one suicide survivor to another, but it’s an important achievement because it means coming to terms with this loss and letting go of blame. It is possible to logically accept and acknowledge what happened. But how do you grieve over someone who is also responsible for his death? I think the important piece is not letting this loss consume your life. Suicide is more complicated, and it’s okay to feel ambivalent about it.
Until this type of guide is put in place, I hope my thoughts here can act as a resource for suicide survivors. I want to encourage suicide survivors to talk about their loved ones. Do not feel like you are burdening others or making them uncomfortable. Keep their memory alive. Process your ever-changing feelings.
For those who have friends or loved ones who are suicide survivors: I encourage you to listen. Don’t talk to fill the silence; don’t think of how you are going to respond. Don't try to fix it, because you can't. Try to be fully in the moment with that person to understand how their world has changed. These conversations are not for sympathy or reassurance. They are not using this loss as a "crutch." They are talking about it to keep their loved one’s memory alive. Survivors might feel afraid they are forgetting their loved one like the people around them may be doing. To friends and family, I encourage you to ask about this loved one. Don’t be afraid you are going to make this person upset, because chances are they think about their loss more often than not. Trust me, it is already on their mind.
I want to be someone with the answers to help make sense of suicide, but like many others, I cannot. I can say only you are not alone. You will get through this. You will have your good and your bad days as the years go on, and that is okay. There is no "normal" way to come to terms with your loss. Try your best to talk about it and do not worry about making others uncomfortable. End the stigma. If you can survive suicide, you can survive anything.
Amber Champagne is a graduate student at William James College, a leader in educating the next generation of mental health professionals
