Why Some People Remain Unhappily Single

In any conversation about being single, an important distinction should be made between people who want to be single (i.e., single by choice) and people who do not want to be single. The former group is satisfied with their lives, content with devoting time and energy to their friends and family, might have periodic casual relationships, and tend to highly value their freedom. The latter group live in a land that researchers call involuntary singlehood.

The Plight of Involuntary Singlehood

A recent study out of Greece suggests that about 40 percent of single people are involuntarily single (Apostolou et al., 2019). They want to be in a romantic relationship, but find themselves perpetually unmatched. These individuals tend to report worse emotional states compared to people who are single by choice (Apostolou et al., 2019). They are more ashamed and sad, less proud and more guilty, less joyful, less enthusiastic... you get the picture. Involuntary singlehood appears to come at a high cost to individuals' everyday well-being.

To be involuntarily single does not mean a person is undesirable or that a person has never been in a relationship. In fact, someone could be highly attractive, with a delightful number of appealing qualities, and with past relationship experiences, yet they currently find themselves without any prospects. Maybe they work a lot; maybe they live in a small town; maybe how they spend their time limits their chances to meet people. While every person has their own story, empirical evidence helps understand a specific challenge that many people who are involuntarily single experience: a challenge attracting partners.

Why Can't Some People Find a Romantic Partner?

To better understand involuntary singlehood, researchers based in Greece recruited approximately 1,400 participants to complete a survey of relationship-related competencies (Apostolou & Michaelidou, 2024). Their goal? To test whether involuntary singlehood was associated with differences that might help explain challenges securing a long-term romantic partner.

What differentiates people who are happily single versus involuntarily single? The focus seems to be relationship initiation challenges. Compared to those who are single by choice, people who were involuntarily single reported (Apostolou & Michaelidou, 2024):

• Less flirting skill.
• Devoting less effort to finding a partner.
• Greater shyness (for women).

These qualities say little about the potential to be a high-quality partner. Instead, they point to obstacles at the point of relationship initiation. In other words, the challenge is not keeping a partner, it's getting one.

Overcoming Involuntary Singlehood

The evidence points to relationship initiation as a key challenge that differentiates people who are involuntarily single from those who are single by choice (Apostolou & Michaelidou, 2024). Working to overcome barriers to relationship initiation thus stands out as a possible intervention point for individuals who are single, but are hoping to be partnered.

Research suggests that flirting skill includes varied behaviors, including taking a "gentle approach" and showing "courage and determination" which are both favored, particularly by women seeking men (Apostolou & Christoforou, 2020). This might be confusing: when is it best to be hesitant, and when should you be bold?

Happily, there's reason to believe that flirting skills can improve. When flirting challenges are behaviorally based, they can be learned (i.e., through observation) and practiced. Instead of framing a night out as a high-stakes chance to meet someone, reframing it as a low-stakes practice night with the sole goal of talking to say, three different people.

In addition, learning which contexts make it easiest for a person to talk to others comfortably may support successful flirting. If the pressure of a bar or club doesn't work, maybe activity groups that are more casual and experience-based are the best choice. If online helps, great! Further, most romantic relationships begin from friendships (Stinson et al., 2022), so another way to develop a pathway towards a relationship is to devote energy not to finding a romantic relationship per se, but to build a wider social network.

Singlehood Essential Reads

Why Women Like Being Single More Than Men Do

The Trouble With Idealizing Romantic Love

Facebook image: Pheelings media/Shutterstock