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Getting help to overcome shyness, introversion, or other barriers to intimacy can be harder than you might think. While parents or friends will be sympathetic, they may not be in a position to offer advice on issues such as sexual intimacy problems. Even when well-meaning parents or friends try to help by introducing their children to potential partners, there can still be conflict since they often don't share the same taste in potential mates.
Ultimately, how successful we are at attracting a mate depends on how much exposure we have to potential partners. Though there are certainly opportunities for meeting people, whether through social "mixers," singles events, or other social settings, people with poor social skills or who lack the self-confidence to flirt effectively may not fare that well. While we are expected to learn these kind of social skills through regular social contact with children of both sexes throughout early adolescence, young people may find themselves at a disadvantage if they are considered physically unattractive, “gawky," naturally shy, or just slower to mature than other young people their age.
Though many “late-bloomers” may succeed in overcoming their adolescent social problems and develop into early adulthood with few problems, this isn’t always the case. Not getting the proper social experience as young adults may help reinforce self-image problems and lead to a long-term pattern of social isolation.
Another issue that Apostolou discusses in his article refers to two separate mechanisms that are equally important in forming intimate relationships. The first of these is the Mate Attraction Mechanism which focuses on the social skills needed to attract potential mates in the first place. This includes skills such as flirting, “small talk," and being able to “screen” potential mates to decide who is most acceptable.
Then there is the Mate Retention Mechanism which includes all of the relationship skills needed to maintain a long-term intimate relationship. Since it involves different skills than mate attraction, there may be conflicts for people who are able to attract mates but who lack the necessary skills to keep this relationship for long. People who have trouble forming long-term relationships may find themselves trapped in an endless cycle of short-term relationships which can reinforce their poor self-esteem and make them unable to break out of this cycle.
So, what is the solution? While many young people turn to their parents or more experienced friends for advice, others may find themselves reluctant to open up about the problems they are experiencing. For older people who find themselves trapped in a long-term pattern of social isolation, getting help can be even more difficult. Though there are mental health professionals who are trained to help with social anxiety or shyness, finding a therapist who can teach flirting and the other mate-attracting skills that go into the modern dating scene may not always be possible.
Then there are the other barriers that may be getting in the way of normal dating. Many people may regard themselves as being too busy to find time for dating, whether it’s because they work long hours or are stuck on night shifts which prevent them from getting out and socializing. Other people may genuinely not realize that they have personality quirks or problems with their personal appearance that might be sabotaging their efforts at finding a suitable partner.
For that matter, many people may be experiencing problems due to basic issues surrounding trust and intimacy. If they've been "burned" in a previous relationship due to experiencing infidelity, for example, this can make them more reluctant to trust someone else. They can also find themselves sabotaging potential new relationships by becoming prone to jealousy or becoming obsessed with a new partner’s faithfulness. Issues surrounding this inability to trust can be much harder to overcome and can be extremely damaging, both for themselves and any partner with whom they manage to become involved. Unfortunately, these are also the things for which many people are reluctant to seek treatment in the first place.
These kind of relationship issues can be especially apparent for people from other cultures who have different expectations about what a long-term relationship really means. Men from cultures that view women as being subservient may insist that any woman they get involved with restrict their own freedoms to ensure their faithfulness. Even fathers who immigrate to more sexually relaxed societies and who see their daughters exercise greater freedom in who they choose to associate with may respond violently to what they view as family dishonour. Hence the rise in “honour killings” in many countries around the world.
Ultimately, we all have problems forming intimate relationships, at least to some degree. That feeling of awkwardness in the early stages of a new relationship is perfectly natural, though most of us are able to move past it. For some people unfortunately, these problems can seem so severe as to make them feel "shut out" of the mating market.
Though help is available for most of these sort of problems, finding that help often depends on being willing to reach out for it. It may also mean moving past old ideas about “the right kind of relationship” and the often unrealistic expectations about dating and relationships that people can get from movies, television, and well-meaning friends and family. For many people who feel unable to meet and become involved with suitable partners, it is more important than ever to explore new possibilities and overcome their own anxieties.
While David Buss points out that we all come from a long line of ancestors who have been fairly successful in the mating game which, in theory, means that we are all equipped to succeed ourselves, Menelaos Apostolou isn’t so optimistic. The rules under which we live in modern society are very different from what our ancestors took for granted and that means that many people are poorly equipped to succeed at forming an intimate relationship. With more research into the evolutionary roots of mating, it may become possible to find better ways to help people adapt to the changing rules of society.
In summary, there are no guarantees in life. People who feel they need help in forming the kind of relationship they desire need to recognize the barriers that often stand in their way. Barriers can include unrealistic expectations, personality quirks that might turn off potential mates, and work schedules that make getting out and meeting new people impossible.
All of these barriers can be overcome with time, practice, and the right kind of help. In the meantime, people also need to learn that, like everything else worthwhile, creating the kind of relationship that can last takes a lifetime of effort.
Just be patient.
