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Why do so many people have trouble forming long-term intimate relationships?
From an evolutionary standpoint, making successful mating choices should be the most natural thing in the world. After all, every human alive today is the product of a long line of more-or-less successful pairings dating back to before our species came into existence. But still, the problem with finding a life partner is something that far too many of us experience.
According to the 2010 Japanese National Fertility Survey, 61 percent of men and 49 percent of women between the ages of 18-34 were single. Of those, 80 percent reported that they wanted to get married at some point but had been unable to find the right partner. In fact, the most common reason given for not being married was "not knowing how to start a relationship with the opposite sex." Though staying single voluntarily is becoming an increasingly popular choice in many societies, the proportion of people who fail to marry or have children despite wishing to do so remains high. In fact, many women cite their inability to find the right partner in explaining their choice to seek alternative options such as artificial insemination.
Can evolutionary psychology help explain why it seems so hard to have a successful intimate relationship? A new article published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences investigates the enigma of human mating choices and the evolutionary forces shaping us today. Written by Menelaos Apostolou of the University of Nicosia, the article reviews some of the most common explanations for why people might have difficulty finding the right mate and what this might mean in terms of human evolution.
Among the potential explanations Apostolou discusses are:
1. We tend to have very specific mate preferences — There seem to be numerous "deal breakers" that might lead us to conclude that an otherwise desirable candidate is simply not the one for us. Evolutionary psychology suggests that we "screen" prospective mates that might lead us to rule out any possibility of a permanent relationship with someone who might not be genetically fit in some way.
2. We simply don't swing that way — The evolution of homosexuality has always been a mystery as far as evolutionary psychology is concerned. Whatever the explanation, many people belonging to sexual minorities are often forced to conceal their sexual orientation due to the very real fear of legal or religious persecution in some parts of the world. Whether they simply claim not to be interested in dating or enter into heterosexual relationships that are doomed to fail, far too many people will find themselves unable to have a happy relationship with the partner of their choice.
3. Potential mates may simply not be available — We are seeing this happen in China now due to the disastrous consequences of the "One Child Only" policy enacted years ago. With the high rate of female infanticide, the gender ratio is now badly skewed meaning that millions of Chinese males face involuntary bachelorhood. In other countries, warfare may be reducing the number of available males, leaving many women with few real options in terms of marriage. There are also countries where polygyny remains common and there simply aren't enough females to go around.
4. And, finally, there are those individuals who, for whatever reason, simply choose not to marry and have children preferring instead to focus on their own extended families. Not everyone is inclined to have children of their own and may decide to promote their genes by helping siblings raise their children instead.
Even for adults who appear genetically fit and with no apparent barriers to forming relationships, settling down isn't as easy as you might think. According to a 2005 study following more than 1000 young adults, more than half of the singles studied reported being dissatisfied with their dating lives and wanting to be in a relationship. Even singles who were highly successful and well-educated reported being unable to find a potential mate. So, why are so many singles having these problems?
In his article, Professor Apostolou proposed that modern singles may be the victims of a mismatch between how mating choices were made in our evolutionary history and how these choices are made today. Based on what anthropologists have found in modern hunter-gatherer societies, it seems likely that the majority of all marriages were arranged by parents (usually the fathers) with the sexuality of daughters being more heavily controlled than sons. While some couples were allowed to choose for themselves, this was typically rare. In fact, in many industrialized countries, arranged marriages were still the norm as recently as a few generations ago.
While young people were allowed some say in who they were to marry (more or less), many parents often treated marriage as a formal contract to unite families. Even in third world countries where arranged marriages remain common, parents often prefer marrying their daughter to older and more well-off suitors rather than younger grooms closer to the bride's age.
Though nobody wants to see a return to arranged marriages in our own society, mating choices have become much more fluid these days and this has led to problems as a result. Parents who traditionally viewed themselves as having a great deal of control over who their children marry often find themselves clashing with their children over their dating choices. As I have discussed in previous posts, parents may prefer suitors who are financially well off or more established even if their children disagree with them.
Children, on the other hand, may have difficulty making these choices for themselves, especially if they are introverted or shy. While this may not have been a problem in the past when families arrange marriages, shy people are at a distinct disadvantage when they are expected to find partners for themselves. Other personality problems such as narcissism can also interfere with forming the kind of intimate relationship that can lead to marriage.
Then there is the matter of physical appearance. People who simply don't care about their appearance or who are overweight may find themselves at a disadvantage compared to others who focus more on looks. In recent decades, we have seen an explosion in the beauty industry with relentless messages from movies, television, and magazines emphasizing a standard of beauty that many people simply can't hope to match. While people can learn to focus on other factors such as personality or humour, the search for a compatible partner is often disheartening.
As Apostolou points out that, given the pressure that parents, and society as a whole, places on young people to get married and have children, many people find themselves having trouble finding and maintaining intimate relationships. Whether it's because they're too shy, too introverted, or have other personality quirks that might get in the way of forming deep emotional attachments with other people, the barriers they face can be extreme.
