How Do You Get Your Partner to Listen to You?

• He forgets to put his socks in the laundry hamper.
• She decided to go on vacation with her family without consulting you.
• He rarely compliments you.
• The way she chews is disgusting.

In any romantic relationship, there will be times when our partners drive us crazy.

Source: klublu/Shutterstock

When our partners behave in ways we find objectionable, many of us will confront them, hoping they will change the problematic behavior. This tactic, also known as "partner-regulation attempts," often works well. Although confronting our partners can be initially upsetting for both individuals, attempts to get partners to change bothersome behaviors has been positively associated with relationship well-being over time (e.g., McNulty & Russell, 2010, c.f., Baker & McNulty, 2015).

So, it would seem that speaking up when our partner’s behavior upsets us can actually be a good thing for our relationship.

However, recent research now questions whether this is always the case. Specifically, in some recently published work, relationship researchers Levi Baker and James McNulty (2015) argue that some partners may not respond well to confrontational partner-regulation attempts. Specifically, they focused on individuals suffering from depressive symptomatology.

Across three studies—a pilot study, a study of newlyweds, and a study of ongoing marriages—Baker and McNulty found that when participants reported low levels of depressive symptoms, having a partner act in a confrontational manner when addressing the participants’ problematic behaviors predicted participants being motivated to change the behavior their partner objected to.

In contrast, when participants reported relatively high levels of depressive symptoms, they were less motivated to change the behavior their partner objected to when the partner was confrontational about the issue.

Interestingly, among participants experiencing low levels of depressive symptoms, partners' efforts to be more benevolent in their attempts to provoke change were not generally associated with motivation to change the problematic behavior. In contrast, for those experiencing higher levels of depressive symptoms, more benevolent attempts at partner-regulation predicted slightly enhanced motivation to change the problematic behavior.

In the final study, the researchers identified one reason why this might be true: The negative association between confrontational attempts at partner-regulation and the motivation to actually change behavior found among those experiencing more depression was accounted for by lower levels of something called "relationship self-efficacy" among participants. Essentially, more depressed participants felt less able to change their behaviors when confronted by their partners and thus were less motivated to do so.

Studying the impact of depression on relationships is crucial. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that nearly 15 million American adults—about 6.7% of the U.S. population age 18 and older—are affected by major depression each year. (This statistic excludes individuals suffering from various forms of bipolar disorder.) Further, depression and divorce are highly correlated events in people's lives. Current thinking suggests that the relationship between depression and divorce is bidirectional (e.g., Bulloch et al., 2009). This means that separated or divorced individuals are more likely to suffer from depression, but individuals who suffer from depression are also more likely to have their marriages end.

Perhaps if we can gain a greater understanding of how depression alters communication patterns and other aspects of relationships while they are ongoing, researchers can find ways not only to help those suffering from depression, but also aid their relationships.

Baker, L. R., & McNulty, J. K. (2015). Adding Insult to Injury Partner Depression Moderates the Association Between Partner-Regulation Attempts and Partners’ Motivation to Resolve Interpersonal Problems. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 41(6), 839-852.

Bulloch, A. G., Williams, J. V., Lavorato, D. H. and Patten, S. B. (2009), The relationship between major depression and marital disruption is bidirectional. Depress. Anxiety, 26: 1172–1177.