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Key points
- Since time is finite, choosing not to do household tasks can be raising your standards, not lowering them.
- The anxiety to get things done is often (not always) driven by internal factors, because "stuff" doesn't actually care.
- It's time we push back against our overwhelming number of tasks and choose to connect more often.
I was hanging out with my daughter, her husband, and his parents recently, enjoying the sunshine and the company. My daughter was scheduled to leave later that day. It was fun, yet I found myself thinking about some things on my to-do list and started feeling itchy. Eventually, I got up and went to the house to squeeze in a 20-minute task. Everyone else stayed outside and chatted.
This is what I think of as the "tyranny of getting stuff done." This long list of "to-do's" is there, and starts to gnaw at you, and you want the relief that you will feel when the "stuff" left undone is no longer hanging over your head. There is a compulsion, driven in part by anxiety, to get to work. As it did that day, this anxiety can start to feel physically uncomfortable.
But think about those dishes, or that jam that needs making so the berries don’t go bad. Or the laundry waiting to be folded, or that report you would like to turn in early, or the bike begging to be repaired. It’s not that these things don’t matter at all—it’s that these things don’t care when you get to them. Now or later, it makes zero difference to them. More often than we might like to admit, the pressure you feel is of your own making. Unlike the stuff, however, our kids and friends do care whether you are there.
The connections you make nourish your spirit. Hanging out with those who are dear makes your life better in that moment and in the future. It’s more time bonding, more time with positive, supportive interaction. Getting things done does not nourish, even if it does provide relief from self-imposed pressure to keep things in order. Nor is there any lasting impact for many tasks on that to-do list.
I’m not advocating that we stop doing the boring or needed tasks of life and just adopt a "whatever!" attitude. Eventually, we all must get stuff done, or at least the important stuff. What I’m suggesting, instead, is that whenever we feel this pressure—this itch to get going, as I think of it—we should step back and consider our options. What will nourish us? Will the fruit really go bad in the next three hours before people leave? Who am I with? What am I giving up if I scratch this itch? Is doing this thing I’m considering life-changing for anyone? When might I next do it if I don’t do it now?
The idea is to make a considered decision vs. just doing because we feel compelled to get going.
Of course, time is finite. If you put off too many things, something actually won't ever get done. That's OK. In fact, it's healthy to trim your to-do list. But when I suggest to couples that they let go of doing some of the things they would normally do, I often hear back “but isn’t that lowering my standards?” They have a picture (from the media, from their parents, from friends) of what their house or life should look like and it's hard to imagine something less than that.
In the real world, I would argue that one's choice is often between using our precious time for tasks or for connections. And when that’s the choice, I believe that it’s actually raising one’s standards to select connecting with others while leaving tasks undone.
In my seminars, I often tell people that I was/am a great mother and that my kids would tell them the same. But when I reflect on when my children were young, I did give in to this urge to get stuff done more than I would have liked. It's one of my great regrets.
I understand it—my life felt chaotic and completely out of control much of the time, and ticking things off my to-do list provided some semblance of relief, a sense of greater control, and a lessening of the pressure. But stuff is stuff. Connections are what family life—and raising healthy kids—is all about. I regret that I didn’t push back more against the tyranny of stuff.
In addition, thinking more carefully about "stuff vs. connections" might have helped my marriage, too. When I felt compelled to get things done, I often reached out to my husband to join me in those tasks. Since he felt significantly less compelled, this often resulted in friction—friction that could have been avoided had we done fewer tasks, or even if we had had a better system, such as regular chore meetings to set priorities. Just because I was feeling that itch didn’t mean he had to. And both of us missed precious time just enjoying the company of family, friends, and each other.
Is there an opportunity for you to respond differently to the tyranny of stuff?
