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In a perfect world, we’re all supposed to have effortless interactions with our beloved. Communicating effectively is a walk in the park. Shedding our guards to reveal our needs, desires, disappointments, and vulnerabilities is as easy as undressing in front of each other.
Talking to your partner about anything and everything is like coming home—an open, tender, loving space that shelters you from all that is wrong with the world.
But communication between couples often doesn’t work or feel like that, with the ability to be compassionate sorely lacking.
According to clinical psychologist Tara Brach, author of Radical Compassion, compassion goes beyond sympathetic awareness of another’s suffering and the desire to alleviate it. Compassion encompasses an “embodied, mindful presence.” The appeal in this definition is that there is no pressure to do anything, to fix anything. You just need to “be” and listen. Yet that’s a tall order for many of us. Many of us lack this “embodied” caring.
So what prevents us from being present and fully engaged? What stops us from feeling authentic compassion for somebody so close to us?
Work demands, children’s needs, emails, text messages, stress, worry, preoccupation, and anxiety are amongst the host of reasons why it can be challenging to tune in to another. Unless couple’s set aside special time to have critical conversations, it can feel Herculean to talk in the midst of life’s daily demands. Even when couples manage to steal pockets of time, giving one’s full attention, being truly responsive, and having an open heart can be a challenge.
With one’s partner, in particular, it’s easy to become impatient or have no tolerance for what’s being exposed. Many of us are guilty of having higher expectations and standards of our partner, including this person’s ability to solve problems. When divulged, feelings of distress or suffering can be threatening. Driven by fear, many on the receiving end of sharing pull away, seeking to maintain distance and avoid one’s own negative feelings and getting burned out by another’s pain.
As sharing continues, instead of truly tuning in and listening, people often get caught up in their own anxious reactivity. Fear-based thinking takes over, or you become lost in thought, or you get caught up in planning your response, or you start going through a mental checklist of what needs to be done.
Ultimately, the heart is not fully available. You are not able to provide a receptive space. And while trying to provide a solution seems admirable, it’s actually a form of dismissal. Your partner comes away from the interaction feeling unsupported, with concerns seemingly inconsequential. An opportunity to connect and understand each other on a deeper level is lost.
How to “Take Pause” with Another
In seeking to be present —to be “here”— learn to stay and be touched by another’s vulnerability. In her teachings, Brach encourages learners to train their attention span to take a mindful pause, throughout the day, as follows:
Stop what you’re doing, step away from “it,” and come into the stillness for at least three full breaths for what’s called a “meditative pause.” As you take these slow inhales and exhales, notice the sensations and feelings in your body. Listen to the sounds around you. Breathe with the intensity of “x” (a sound in the background you hear). Notice the shift that can happen within the self with a short pause.
Now, resume your activity with more of an embodied presence.
With practice, you’ll eventually be able to do the same when having conversations with your partner, recognizing that patience may still be a challenge initially. As these meditative pauses become habitual, you’ll find that you’re more inclined to pause for a moment and come back into the present, versus getting caught up in your reactions or what needs to be done next.
You can begin to feel tenderness in what your partner is sharing. You will be able to send messages of care. In choosing to be open-hearted, you’ll be able to find a sacred space that’s your power and freedom.
Ask for a Co-Partner in Compassion
In expressing a sincere desire to cultivate compassion in your relationship, talk to your partner about the benefits. It is profound to be “felt” by another. Showing interest in somebody—what a person is saying—indicates interest. Presence and deep listening send the signal “you matter.” This ability to “stay” in the moment can promote healing and foster greater intimacy. Your brain will actually reward you for your efforts, releasing the neurotransmitter dopamine, which motivates you, as you take care of another.
Practicing compassion enables us to go beyond appearances and share our essence. It puts you in touch with your own authenticity. Seeing another’s spiritual nature and how you’re connected puts you in touch with each other’s true natures, the result of which is a relationship even more full of love, abundance, and intelligence.
