What Are You Really Saying When You Call Me That?

Blogger Emily Heist Moss wrote a post entitled “What You’re Really Saying When You Call Me a Bitch” in which she related what happened to her in a crosswalk on a Sunday in Chicago.

He’s in his early 40s, nicely dressed. As we head in opposite directions, elbows almost bumping, he leans into my space, face inches from mine and hisses, “F-ck you, bitch.” He keeps walking, and I stop dead in the middle of the street, hoping someone else just saw that.

It was the ‘bitch’ part that kept going over and over in Moss’ mind: Why did he call me that? I didn’t do anything, say anything to him. I didn’t even look at him. Was I supposed to smile?

Moss, and many other women, take "bitch" more seriously than other insults because it treats femaleness as weapon. It’s not just ‘F-ck, you.” It’s ‘F-ck you, and you’re a woman too!' Because you are a woman, you merit extra humiliation.

While "bitch" is not considered one of the un-utterables, it is one of those insults that is used to make you feel less than. What does it mean? The Urban-Dictionary says it means “someone who whines excessively," “an annoying and whining female," “a person who performs tasks for another, usually degrading in status," or "a woman with a bad attitude." "Bitch" is aimed at women who do not act like a woman "should." It is aimed at women who act like men, who are too ambitious or aggressive, who are not as nice or as quiet as they should be.

All of us, men and women, can at times be obnoxious, rude, loud, arrogant, etc. When a woman acts like this, she may be called a ‘bitch’ to signify not only that she is acting in some way we don’t like, but that she is annoying and female.

Another anecdote: A husband calls his wife a “stupid bitch” in front of his daughters in a moment of anger. He apologizes profusely. He has had a hard day at work; he didn’t really mean it. His wife and daughters knew he was basically a good guy.

The idea that when men act badly toward women, it is some aberration because “He is basically a good guy” confirms one of our most pervasive biases. Why are men forgiven for behaving badly toward women? Is it because we really think men can’t help themselves, that it’s what men do? This is not fair to the men who do not behave badly. And women who are "bitches" are not so readily afforded the same excuse.

The Language of Insults and Name-Calling

Chi Luu is a linguist interested in name-calling. She notes that the language that men and women use, or have used against them, is often subtly biased along gender lines, although we usually don’t notice it. An insult is language, overt or covert, that accuses you of not behaving as you ought to.

Researchers Felmlee, Rodis, and Zhang [1] examined 2.9 million tweets in one week that contained instances of gendered insults (e.g. "bitch,” “c-nt,” “slut,” and “whore”) averaging 419 sexist slurs per day. Calling a woman a "bitch” in an aggressive message implies that she is not being “sugar and spice and all things nice.” Identifying a woman as a “whore” or “slut” means she is not conforming to sexual expectations. Calling a woman “c-nt” implies that she has absolutely no redeeming features, feminine or otherwise. (Note that “bitch” ranked number four of all types of curse words used in the Twitter sample.)

Reclaiming Ownership of "Bitch"

Some women want to “reclaim” the word "bitch," using it in a positive way. Think of the magazine Bitch, published by Bitch Media, whose mission is “…to provide and encourage an engaged, thoughtful feminist response to mainstream media and popular culture.” The publishers say that calling a woman a "bitch" is used the same way that whenever a woman expresses thoughts and ideas that differentiate her from a doormat, they are called a "feminist":

When it’s being used as an insult, “bitch” is an epithet hurled at women who speak their minds, who have opinions and don’t shy away from expressing them, and who don’t sit by and smile comfortably if they’re bothered or offended. If being an outspoken woman means being a bitch, we’ll take that as a compliment.

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The "reclaimers” argue that “bitch” is just another way of calling a woman “feminist," i.e., either is an epithet used against women perceived as going against the socially accepted idea of what women should be. If so, let’s reclaim being “a feminist” as our own.

Others point out what they see as the social harms of the use of “bitch." They suggest “reclaiming” “feminist” rather than “bitch," since feminism represents a commitment among women to work for social change and equality. These contrarians doubt that many men or women, for that matter, use “bitch” and “feminist” interchangeably.

Kleinman, Ezzell, and Frost argue that “bitch” has no real power—it’s not part of a movement. Instead, a woman referred to as “a bitch” by a man is vulnerable to his power, including violence. She is "misbehaving" in some way and her anger can be dismissed.

Those who reject the reclaiming project, say that putting “bitch” out there over and over again makes it okay for men to use it. Unfortunately, women who try to “reclaim” “bitch” do not diminish its stigmatizing power in the hands of others, especially men.

How to Respond

Like Emily Heist Moss, most of us have probably been called “a bitch” some time or other. It could have been because you turned down unwanted attention, were assertive or outspoken, someone didn’t like you, or, as in Moss’ case, you were walking down the street. If I asked you how many times you have been called “bitch," would it be one, 10, or too many to count?

Last year, U.S. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called out on the floor of the House of Representatives fellow Representative, Ted Yoho, for calling her a “f---ing bitch” in front of reporters. She said she could not let that stand.

Thank goodness women are feeling more empowered to speak up and believe that they will be heard—thanks, in part, to the #MeToo movement.

There seem to be two general ways to respond:

1. Respond in a funny/snarky tone.

• I get bonus points for that, right?
• “Bitches get stuff done.” (following Tina Fey and Amy Poehler)
• “That’s right, I’m the boss bitch around here.”
• "Thank you.”

2. Stand up for yourself.

• I am (we are) here because I (we) care about _________. Name-calling doesn’t help.
• Because I have something to say, that makes me a bitch?
• Is there something you would like to contribute?

It is not easy to respond when you are called “bitch." It is often unexpected and no quick response occurs to you. You can always ignore the statement and the speaker. It is not fair that you are put in these situations. Remember, you are a strong, passionate person who has something to say. So say it.

I can’t end without referring you to a post written by a woman whose boyfriend regularly called her “bitch” in many configurations as a way to control her. Sophie Milner recounts her several-year struggle to break away from this abusive man. It is a horrifying read.

I personally never use the term “bitch” because I am in the camp which does not wish to “reclaim” the word. I prefer to expose its use as detrimental to women.