Thinking of Cancelling Due to Social Anxiety?

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It’s the afternoon of that party you RSVP’d “yes” to two weeks ago. Dread has been slowly building for the last few days. As the minutes tick by, you need to start getting ready to leave the house, but the knot in your stomach is twisting and tightening. Familiar thoughts start to creep up: “What if I am left standing alone by the drinks table, looking awkward?” “What if I say something stupid?” “What if everyone can tell that I’m nervous because I stumble over my words?”

It can be tempting to find a reason not to go. And sure, texting the host that your dog is sick may temporarily untwist your stomach knot. But here’s the thing: in the long run, avoiding social events tends to make social anxiety worse.

Research also suggests that folks with social anxiety actually feel better when they are with other people. So yes, you may feel just as anxious when you arrive at that party as you did while getting ready. But you might actually feel happier once you start to mingle with other guests.

People with social anxiety feel better with others than when alone

In a series of two studies, Dr. Fallon Goodman and colleagues at the University of South Florida and George Mason University challenged the idea that people with social anxiety feel better when keeping to themselves. In the first study, 42 participants diagnosed with social anxiety disorder were sent random assessment surveys five times per day over a period of two weeks. They were asked to rate their experience of a selection of positive and negative emotions at the time of receiving the assessment. They were also asked to report whether they were alone or with others. In the second study, 39 additional participants with social anxiety disorder went through the same process.

In both studies, participants reported significantly higher ratings of positive emotions (e.g. feeling enthusiastic, content, joyful, relaxed) when spending time with others than when alone. There were no statistical differences between their ratings of negative emotions (e.g. feeling angry, sluggish, anxious, sad) when spending time with other people compared to when they were alone. This implies that–despite the presence of social anxiety–spending time with other people can improve positive emotions and does not actually make negative emotions worse.

Maybe you know this from your own experience–you usually end up enjoying yourself when you meet up with friends. When you get to the party, you will probably have fun. Pushing through that sense of dread to leave the house is the main challenge.

How to get out of the door when social anxiety strikes

If anxiety is your primary barrier to experiencing the emotional benefits of socializing, here are a few tips based on cognitive-behavioral theory that can help:

• Acknowledge the anxiety, but go to the event anyway. If the anxiety is asking you to stay home, you can gently tell it, “no.” Even while experiencing distress, you can take deliberate steps towards behaviors that will make you feel better in the long run. It might help to do something that boosts your mood in the meantime, like listening to some upbeat music while in transit to the gathering.
• Identify some of the thoughts that are fueling your anxiety, and consider how realistic or helpful they are. Jotting down your anxious thoughts and coming up with more realistic, alternative thoughts can alleviate some of your anxiety. For example, will everyone really be able to tell that you are nervous if you stumble over your words? Probably not: most of us are so focused on ourselves in social situations that we do not pick up on subtle cues regarding the emotional state of others. But even if other guests can tell that you are nervous, would that be so bad? Being uncomfortable in a social setting is relatively normal, and signs that you are anxious may actually make you more relatable.
• Shift your focus from self to others. Social anxiety can make it easy for us to get in our own heads and fixate on how we are perceived by everyone else. Set a goal for the gathering or event that is focused on making others feel more comfortable. For example, you could plan to introduce yourself to one person at the party who is standing on their own. If you are meeting an old friend for coffee, you could make a point of checking in on how their family is doing. These types of goals can lower anticipatory dread by giving you a sense of purpose for the social interaction.

Try these tips before you cancel your next meetup, party, or event–you might just feel a little better if you go. In addition, effective psychological treatments can help if you are experiencing disruptive levels of anxiety, fear, or distress in social situations. Cognitive behavioral therapy for social anxiety disorder is recommended as a first-line treatment in major clinical guidelines. The therapy teaches skills to help you modify anxious thoughts and end the cycle of avoidance by gradually exposing yourself to feared social situations.

To find a therapist near you, consult the Psychology Today Directory.