Yes, Sweetheart, You Do Get to Grieve Your Lost Childhood

Many of us dismiss and diminish the abstract and intangible losses of our lives.

Have you ever thought to yourself, “It’s not like anyone died, so it’s not like we actually get to grieve that stuff, right?”

Or perhaps you say to yourself, “But there’s all this good stuff going on in my life, too, so I can’t be sad about that.”

Or have you ever said, "My parents did the best they could; I shouldn't be upset about my childhood."

Comments like these, in my opinion as a trauma therapist, illustrate how misunderstood grief is and how dismissive many of us can be about our own feelings.

And that’s sad and hard, because grief is painful and challenging enough as it is.

When we tell ourselves, “No, I don’t get to grieve this; this doesn’t count, I shouldn’t feel this way,” we make the experience much harder for ourselves, adding suffering on top of the pain that's already there, and potentially further delaying our recovery from adverse childhood experiences.

So if you resonate with those comments or if you know that you tend to dismiss or diminish your grief, this post is meant for you.

Can you grieve abstract and intangible losses?

Intellectually most of us know that grief is an emotional reaction to loss in our lives. Many of us have heard about the five stages of grief–pioneered by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross–in her groundbreaking work on death and dying: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

But also, to quote Kübler-Ross:

The stages have evolved since their introduction, and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives. Not everyone goes through all of them or goes in a prescribed order.

“Our grief is as individual as our lives.” I believe this statement and I believe that grief is up to you to define both in how you experience it and in what triggers it.

And while we have some wonderful, helpful thought leadership about the actual physical and psychological symptoms of grief, many of us still hold onto myths about grief, specifically what "counts" when it comes to allowing ourselves to grieve.

As a trauma therapist, I see so many people disregard and invalidate their grief by believing grieving is only “allowed” or “reserved” for death—and not for a lost childhood.

And while, of course, the deaths of those we love will cause us to grieve, there are countless other ways and reasons why you might personally be grieving:

• You get to grieve parenting you didn’t receive.
• You get to grieve the release and death of a dream (or many dreams!) you once held.
• You get to grieve the loss of your identity before you became a parent.
• You get to grieve the loss of ability in your own body as you age.
• You get to grieve expectations you have to let go of.
• You get to grieve what you may never be able to receive from your partner or spouse.
• You get to grieve the state of the world and the pain of others.
• You get to grieve the loss of a job.
• You get to change a loss of trust in others and in yourself.
• You get to grieve the passing of time and your own aging.
• You get to grieve the shifting form of your relationships with others.
• You get to grieve separating from your partner (if even by your choice), and you get to grieve reconciling with that partner (if even by your choice).
• You get to grieve the outgrowing of friends, of lovers, of the life you’ve previously created for yourself.
• You get to grieve the loss of babies from your body.

I truly believe that we get to grieve abstract losses as much as tangible losses, and that when we do, we can support our healing and recovery.

Supporting ourselves in grieving abstract and intangible losses

So what can we do to help ourselves through grief?

Whether we're grieving the childhood we never had or a tangible loss, there are countless ways we can help ourselves.

Grief Essential Reads

A Day in the Life...After Your Child’s Life Ends

How Fans Can Cope With Loss

Self-care steps to support your grieving process may include:

• Acknowledging your grief.
• Turning towards your family and friends for comfort.
• Seeking out therapy or specialized support groups.
• Tending to your feelings, tending to your body.
• Setting healthy boundaries with the difficult people in your life.
• Practice creative, need-fulfilling self-care.
• Reading the memoirs, accounts, articles, and poetry of those who have also traveled down the road of grief.
• And, of course, finding and beginning therapy with a trauma-informed therapist who can shepherd you through your grief.

Grief is one of the most painful experiences we can move through, and grief can and will be evoked when we face intangible as well as tangible losses, particularly as we move through our relational trauma recovery journeys and confront the abstract losses of our pasts and present.

You can support yourself on your relational trauma recovery journey by allowing yourself to grieve, permitting yourself to feel sad about the abstract losses you've experienced, and taking practical, tangible self-care steps to support your grieving.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.