Why Some People Give In So Easily in Their Relationships

Interdependence is at the heart of all intimate partnerships, and day-to-day negotiations between a couple can create collaboration, care, and trust opportunities. At the same time, some of us are at risk of always deferring to or accommodating our partner’s needs in a way that leaves us feeling resentful or numb. Others of us struggle to make any accommodation and rarely defer, even when the moment calls for it. How do you know if you are too accommodating or not accommodating enough? What do healthy negotiations look like in practice?

Extraordinary and Ordinary Negotiations

Intimate partnerships are romantic, yes. But they also exist as a ceaseless series of negotiations. ⁣Some of these are extraordinary negotiations:

• Are we exclusive?
• Where should we live?
• Do we get married?
• Will your brother live with us until he’s back on his feet?⁣

⁣So many of them are ordinary negotiations—day-to-day interactions that define the dynamic between partners. Imagine this example with a married couple. Eileen is cozied up on the couch and left the door wide open to enjoy the fall air. Jake comes into the room and begins to close the door. Eileen says, “Wait! Please keep it open!” ⁣Of course, as small as it might seem, this moment is a power struggle—one partner will define what happens next, and the other will defer.⁣

Intimate partnerships are chock full of relational collaborations that require micro-decisions made in real-time.⁣ Our work is to meet these “define-and-defer” moments with grace and gratitude. Let’s play our example out a bit more:

• Jake might decide to keep the door open at this moment, despite his desire to shut it, because he can see the joy it brings his partner. His accommodation comes from a place of care.
• Eileen thanks him for accommodating her, which hopefully will keep Jake from building up resentment that Eileen “got her way.” But it does something else too. Thanking Jake for accommodating is a way for Eileen to “code” that he made an effort to care for her. Eileen doesn’t need to be on the lookout for a way to “return the favor” or “even the score,” but it’s good for their relationship for her to make sure that she “lands” the fact that Jake accommodated rather than insisted…which he could have done.
• Later in the day, Eileen may choose to defer to Jake similarly.

Accommodation: Too Little, Too Much

Based on your gender, family of origin dynamics, personality, and relationship history, you bring into your relationship a particular set of tendencies when it comes to defining-and-defer moments. By identifying your tendencies in negotiation, you can grow and improve your ability to navigate these moments in a healthy way that benefits both you and your partner in the long run.

Some of us are at risk of deferring so much that our individual and relational wellbeing is compromised. Here are some signs that you may be over-accommodating in a way that hurts your intimate relationship:

• You feel resentful, and you feel checked out or numb.
• You are having reactions that feel bigger than the moment warrants.
• You catch yourself being sarcastic or passive-aggressive.

Others of us are at risk of digging in and only rarely deferring. Here are some signs that your avoidance of accommodation may be hurting your individual and relational wellbeing:

• You have a hard time letting stuff go, and your partner describes you as stubborn.
• You scan vigilantly for evidence that things are unfair in your relationship.
• You frequently feel irritable and rigid.

If you resonate with the first list, see how it feels to stand your ground once in a while with your partner. This does not mean that you should overcorrect by becoming stubborn or completely unaccommodating all of the time. Or that you should take a stand on principle alone. Rather, view your relationship as a playground in which you can practice what it feels like to articulate your needs more regularly and see how your partner reacts if you resonate with the second list, check in with yourself during negotiation, and ask yourself whether you might be willing, in the name of growth, to make an accommodation or sacrifice this time, in service of your partner’s comfort, happiness, and the well-being of the relationship.

⁣⁣The bottom line is that we have to practice the sacred art of letting stuff go in an intimate partnership. We must be willing to resist the urge to turn every micro-moment into a grand statement about self/identity/commitment/power. ⁣

Relational Self-Awareness Prompts

• When I was younger and expressed a preference/desire/need, the adults around me tended to respond by...
• As an adult, when I express a preference/desire/need, I tend to feel...
• In moments when I defer to someone else’s preference/desire/need, I sometimes feel…
• I know I am accommodating too much when I begin to feel….
• What helps me discern between insisting and accommodating is…

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