The Blindness of Blame: How Anger Stops Awareness and Growth

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Anger is not pleasant, but it is interesting. On the one hand, anger can be an appropriate response to unfair or hurtful situations. However, anger can be an overreaction, becoming explosive, smoldering, and deceptive. Out of all the negative emotions, it has the unique aspect of being aimed at someone. It is accusatory in how it is experienced; it blinds and often leads to blame. One research participant, Mario, told me how anger led him to falsely accuse others: “When I am feeling hurt, I take some of the things she does personally as an attack towards me. And I am an insecure person, so as a defense mechanism, I make jabs. I will cover it by saying, ‘I am not attacking you, but I am telling you the truth, and I am sorry if you don’t like to hear the truth.’”

Mario’s story shows how anger can be part of an attempt to convince yourself that your cause is just, like another of my research participants who said, “I have purposefully cried ... [and sometimes] cry a little bit louder so he hears me even if I’m in the other room.”

Anger also activates prejudice and stereotyping, like when someone blames a group for something when they are mad: “[Certain political groups] are ruining the country!” or, “[certain identities] are such [insulting descriptions]!”). This leads to distorted vision, reducing people to categories.

Aziz was an accountant who had just come from an intensive treatment program for sex addiction. His doctor told him to seek regular therapy and refrain from his out-of-control habits. He couldn’t believe it and wanted to know my opinion. I told him this was a common recommendation, since his excesses were causing damage in his life, including lost work and being demanding and aggressive with his wife. He became livid, claimed that doctors were idiots, and went home, yelled, pouted, and threatened suicide. His family begged him to follow the treatment he needed and had paid a lot for. His anger sprayed out at whoever was near, but none of us were causing it.

Philosopher Terry Warner argues that anger is deceptive, not only because it has an accusation, but also because it claims victimization: “Since you are hurting me, I must be innocent.” This is why anger at someone is different from anger at something, like when you hit your thumb with a hammer. If I am angry at someone, I am demonizing them, and this can put me in the wrong.

When Aziz was lashing out at everyone, he gave weak explanations for it. He claimed others were persecuting him and being unreasonable, which distracted him from the real issues—his behavior and the suffering he had caused. Although his anger was real, it was falsely fueled by his rationalizing, and in his mind, others were now the problem.

As Warner says, “When we're stuck in troubled feelings, we believe that all our feelings are true—that is to say, we believe that by our emotions at that moment we are making accurate judgments about what's happening. If I'm angry with you, I'm certain that you are making me angry. [However], though we truly have these feelings, they are not necessarily true feelings. More likely I'm angry because I'm misusing you, not because you are misusing me.”

This aspect of anger is seductive because it gives us an external target. Instead of examining our stress, problematic beliefs, or behavior, we zero in on another convenient person. Instead of giving into anger and blame, healthy partners sort through the emotion, decide where the anger is coming from, and express it in a fair and honest way.