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Pornography
Does Watching Porn Count As Cheating?
Porn is not necessarily cheating, but lying about it is.
Posted February 25, 2020 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Our lives and relationships, including our romantic and sexual relationships, have increasingly moved into the digital arena. The once clear line between sexual fidelity and cheating has, in many respects, become blurry.
One of the more common gray areas (and bones of contention in marriages and other primary romantic relationships) involves pornography. Honestly, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had one or both halves of a couple ask: Does porn count as cheating?
Usually when I’m asked this question, the porn user thinks it doesn’t, and the porn user’s partner thinks it does. Often, the porn user will say:
- I’m only looking at it. I’m not even masturbating.
- It’s not like I’m looking at real people that I’m going to meet and run off with.
- My dad looked at Playboy. This is no different.
- I love my partner and think they are sexy. This has nothing to do with them.
- I only look at it once in a while. It doesn’t impact my relationship at all.
The porn user’s partner often disagrees with these justifications – especially the last one, that using porn does not impact the user’s primary relationship. Either way, both parties typically want to know: Is live, in-person contact required for cheating, or does virtual sexual behavior also count?
A few years ago, to answer this question, Drs. Jennifer Schneider, Charles Samenow, and I conducted a survey of women whose husbands were engaging in significant amounts of sextracurricular activity, either online or in the real world, with the most common online behavior involving pornography. The most important finding of our study was that when it comes to the negative effects of one partner being sexual outside a supposedly monogamous relationship, online and in-person behaviors are no different. The betrayed partner feels the same emotional pain, loss of control, and loss of trust either way.
The results of this study confirmed my long-standing belief that no matter what type of extracurricular sex you’re having, it’s the lies and secrets that hurt the most. This means that it’s not any specific sexual act that does the most damage to a relationship, it’s the emotional distancing, the sense of betrayal, and the loss of relationship trust. Based on this knowledge, I have crafted the following definition of infidelity.
Infidelity (cheating) is the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.
Please notice that this definition of cheating does not speak specifically about affairs, pornography, strip clubs, hookup apps, or any other specific sexual or romantic act. Instead, it focuses on what matters most in relationships: mutual trust. Please also notice that this definition encompasses both online and real-world sexual behavior, as well as sexual and romantic activities that stop short of intercourse – everything from looking at porn to kissing to something as simple as flirting. Lastly, I ask you to notice that this definition is flexible depending on the couple. It lets you and your partner define your personal version of sexual fidelity based on honest discussions and mutual decision making.
This means that it might be just fine for one partner to look at porn (or to engage in some other form of extramarital sexual activity), as long as the other partner knows about this behavior and is OK with it. If, however, one partner is looking at porn (or engaging in some other form of extramarital sexual activity) and keeping it secret, or if the other partner knows about it and doesn’t find it acceptable, then the behavior is cheating.
Once again, cheating is less about the behavior and more about telling lies, keeping secrets, and breaking relationship trust. If one partner’s porn use is agreeable to both parties and not kept secret or covered up, it’s not cheating. Otherwise, it’s a betrayal of the relationship and counts as infidelity.
Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t discuss porn and how it fits or doesn’t fit within the bounds of their relationship. Instead, they agree that they are going to have a monogamous relationship, but they don’t define what that means. One partner may think about pornography as ‘sex outside the relationship,’ but the other might not. In such cases, further conversation is needed. And even if porn is defined as acceptable within the relationship, the couple may need to define what qualifies (and does not qualify) as porn? Are camgirls and camboys (live online sex workers/performers) a form of porn, or not?
At the end of the day, what qualifies as porn is up to the couple, and whether porn is acceptable within the bounds of a relationship is up to the couple. But porn and porn-like behaviors do need to be discussed so the boundaries are clear. When these potential behaviors are not clearly and specifically discussed, problems can arise.
How Do Porn Users Feel About This Definition?
When asked what being sexual outside their relationship looks like, many people (especially men) envision what I call sexploration – purely sexual behaviors that lack any sort of emotional component or romantic connection. This may include masturbation, porn, sexualized webcam chat, VR performers, strip clubs, sex workers, one-night stands, etc.
Often, individuals engaging in this type of behavior tell themselves they’re not cheating because what they’re doing means nothing to them or how they view their primary relationship. They think about these actions as just another form of masturbation, or an activity that every person has a right to engage in. They tell themselves they love their spouse, and what they’re doing isn’t hurtful because: 1) their spouse will never find out, and 2) there is no intimacy or connection, so it’s no big deal.
I can assure you, however, that their significant others often view the situation quite differently.
Nevertheless, the individuals who use porn and rationalize it as not really cheating nearly always choose to keep their behaviors secret. They do this because they know their partner will object and will consider their behavior to be a form of infidelity. Otherwise, why keep the behavior secret? And when these individuals are caught red-handed, they nearly always try to justify their actions with lines like, “I swear I wasn’t cheating, honey, because I never for a moment thought of leaving you.” And that, of course, brings us back to trust. If your porn use doesn’t mean anything and doesn’t qualify as cheating, why were you betraying your partner’s trust by keeping it secret?
What’s the Verdict? Cheating or Not?
At this point, you may still be wondering if using porn counts as cheating. My answer is that it depends on the couple and how they define their relationship. If, through mutual discussion (with no manipulation or coercion), both parties in a relationship agree that viewing porn is fine, or that viewing porn is fine within certain parameters, then using porn (within the agreed-upon parameters) does not qualify as infidelity. But if using porn is not within your mutually agreed-upon relationship boundaries, it’s definitely a form of cheating.
One final note: If you and your partner have not discussed porn and whether it’s acceptable in your relationship, it’s best to assume that it’s not. Telling yourself that everyone looks at porn and it’s no big deal is a bad idea without your partner’s agreement. Remember: infidelity is less about what you do, and more about the loss of trust you create. Using porn, in the eyes of your partner, may or may not be an issue. Lying, covering up, and keeping secrets about that behavior, however, will absolutely be an issue.
Facebook image: Syda Productions/Shutterstock
