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Key points
- Parental abuse is often a taboo topic that is forbidden to be discussed or brought to light.
- The fear that we will one day become like those who inflicted harm upon us—our parents—is often unspoken.
- Individuals have the power to break the cycle of abuse and trauma.
You Are Not Your Parent
Parental abuse, particularly the invisible forms, is often a taboo topic that is forbidden to be discussed or brought to light in our society. We are expected to put on a happy family and picture-perfect relationships. Those who speak out or expose the truth risk social exclusion, judgment, and ridicule. Perhaps this is because, for a long time, human communities evolved in small, close-knit groups, with social rules and practices playing an important role in maintaining order and collaboration.
It is taboo to admit it, but parents are capable of behaving toxically, manipulatively, and narcissistically towards their children. Not all parents are able to give their children the love, care, and respect they require due to circumstances, personality dysfunctions, and inherited trauma. This is true even for the best-intentioned parents.
Sadly, parents can use guilt, shame, or other emotional manipulation techniques. They may use their child as an emotional crutch and demand their complete attention. They may cross the line by constantly dismissing, invalidating, or disregarding their child's feelings. They may favor one of their children over the others, sowing the seeds of family conflict and resentment for the rest of their lives. They may put pressure on their children to live the life they always desired, imposing their values and living vicariously through them. Parents can verbally abuse their adult children by calling them names, making fun of them, or yelling at them. Some parents may use their children to climb the social ladder or to gain bragging rights.
This is true even after the child has grown up. Parents may become overly emotionally or financially dependent on their adult child. Parents can use their money to manipulate or control their adult children by withholding help or resources. If for any reason they see their adult children as a threat, their parents may mock or humiliate them.
However, we are frequently conditioned to keep these secrets hidden to maintain the collective illusion of a cohesive and harmonious family unit.
Increasingly, more of us recognize the profound impact that childhood trauma and parental abuse can have on our lives. Being abused or neglected as a child can result in mental health difficulties, PTSD, depression, relationship and attachment issues, trust issues, low self-esteem, difficulty managing our own emotions, and so on.
The Fear of Becoming Your Parent
There is a fear that often goes unspoken, lurking in the shadows of our minds. It is the fear that we will one day become like those who inflicted harm upon us—our own parents. The fear of becoming like our parents can be an unseen burden that prevents us from living fully. There's always that doubt, that little voice in our heads that tells us we're not good enough to be parents, that we're toxic, that we'll hurt the people we love.
We might start to over-watch ourselves, scrutinizing our every move and questioning our own intentions. We are held in limbo because we are stuck in constant analysis-paralysis. In the back of our mind, we wonder if we're doomed to repeat the cycle of abuse and trauma.
When we are haunted by the fear of becoming like our toxic parents, we usually resort to three coping mechanisms: surrender, avoidance, and overcompensation.
Surrender involves succumbing to the fear and submitting to the idea that one would be doomed to be come just like their parents. Avoidance involves distancing oneself from any situations that may trigger their fear of beocming like their parents. They may deny their own longings for connections and relationships, and tell themsleves that they do not want or need them at all.
Meanwhile, those who overcompensate expend a significant amount of energy ensuring they do not become like their parents. They may become co-dependent and measure their self-worth based on how much they are pleasing others; or they struggle to set boundaries with others or express anger as they are so consumed with trying to appear ‘nice’ and kind, to be the opposite of what their parents were.
Despite the fact that these coping strategies may not be intentional, they are ultimately ineffective. Believing that one is destined to repeat their parents' toxic behavior lead to stagnation and hinder progress towards personal goals in life. Avoidance can lead to emotional numbness and isolation, and the underlying belief that one is unlovable or toxic remains unaddressed. Overcompensation leads to burnout and prevent one from living an authentic life. In a perverse twist, living one's life in such a way as to avoid being like one's parents actually keeps one bound by their parents.
The truth is, it is highly unlikely that just because you have had a traumatic past you would become like your parents. In fact, growing up in an emotionally neglectful environment can have the opposite effect on someone who is naturally emotionally sensitive. The emotionally porous individual often become ‘appointed’, in terms of family dyanmics, as the emotional caretaker of the family. They become responsible for maintaining the family's harmony and ensuring everyone is content. They spend a lifetime compensating for the missing emotional link within the household. As a result, they become hypersensitive or even hypervigilant to the subtle changes in the feelings and needs of others. This acute awareness and astute emotional navigation within the complex terrain of their chaotic homelife bestows them with not just extraordinary sensitivity but also resilience. They are also more likely to be deeply compassionate towards others who also suffer in sience, because they know far too well what it is like to suffer alone with no one to turn to.
Breaking the Chain of Intergenerational Trauma
To break free from the fear of becoming like our parents, we must first acknowledge the pain that we experienced. It can be difficult to face the truth, especially if it involves admitting that those who were supposed to love and protect us were actually the source of our pain.
While it is true that individuals who grew up in a household lacking positive role models may have internalized negative patterns and mindset, it is important to recognize that you are not destined to become like them. It is possible that you may have inherited some trans-generational shame, but with courage, time and insights, you can stop yourself from following your parents’ footsteps.
You might begin by noticing the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that you've inherited from them or any transgenerational trauma. When you catch yourself engaging in negative patterns, take a step back and try to understand where they're coming from, but be extrmely gentle, patient and compassionate with yourself. It was not your fault that you were traumatised, and whenever possible, talk to yourself with the same kindness and empathy you would offer to a close friend.
You can also heal by finding other positive role models, or what is known as ‘spiritual parent.' Look for people in your life who embody the qualities and behaviors that you want to cultivate. This could be a mentor, friend, or even a fictional character.
Remember, You are not your parents. You are an individual with your own experiences, beliefs, and values. You have the power to break the cycle of abuse and trauma and create a better future for yourself and your family (shall you choose to have one).
Closing Remarks
It is time to break the totem of transgenerational trauma. We need to start talking about the reality that not all parents are able to provide their children with the love, care, and respect they need. It is time to stop perpetuating the myth of the perfect family and start acknowledging the pain and trauma that many of us have experienced.
You are not defined by your past or trauma and have the power to create new legacies for yourself and others.
This process may not be easy, and it may take time, but it is worth it.
References
Atkinson, J., Nelson, J., Brooks, R., Atkinson, C., & Ryan, K. (2014). Addressing individual and community transgenerational trauma. Working together: Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander mental health and wellbeing principles and practice, 2, 289–307.
Knox, J. (2007). The fear of love: the denial of self in relationship. Journal of Analytical Psychology, 52(5), 543–563.
Menzies, P. (2010). Intergenerational trauma from a mental health perspective.
Ozturk, E., & Sar, V. (2006). The “apparently normal” family: a contemporary agent of transgenerational trauma and dissociation. Journal of Trauma Practice, 4(3-4), 287–303.
