18 Questions to Get to Know a Single Person

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What you get to know about other people depends a lot on the kinds of questions you ask them. That’s true in the conversations we have in everyday life, and it is true of the questions that social scientists pose in their research. As a lifelong single person and a scholar of single life, I’m mostly disappointed in the questions that single people get asked and the questions that get asked about them.

In the first section, I’ll suggest some better questions. In the second, I’ll explain why those questions are better than the typical ones, pointing to relevant research when it is available. I had single people in mind when I wrote these questions, but I think you can get to know a lot about anyone by asking them.

Getting Beyond the Superficial and Predictable

What your life is like

1. Tell me about what you find most meaningful and fulfilling in your life. Do you think those things reflect who you really are and what is most important to you?

2. Have you had a variety of interesting experiences, including some that changed the way you think? What are they?

3. Tell me about the time you have to yourself. Do you get enough of it? What do you do with that time? How do you experience it? How, if at all, do you try to make sure that the time you have to yourself is just the right amount? How, if at all, do you try to ensure the quality of that time?

4. If you have a stretch of time with no work or other obligations, how do you most enjoy spending that time?

5. If you continued to stay single and you had the money you needed to pursue whatever meant the most to you, what would you do?

6. What do you like most and dislike most about your work? What would you change about it if you could?

7. Are there life experiences you would like to talk about that hardly anyone ever asks you about? What are they?

Curating your life

8. Do you get to spend your money however you like?

9. When you are not working, do you get to arrange your schedule however you want?

10. Do you get to arrange your living spaces however you like?

11. Do you feel free to socialize with as many or as few different people as you like, whenever you like?

12. Tell me about the place where you live—the country and town, the neighborhood, the particular house or apartment or another living situation. Did you get to choose those places based on your own tastes and needs and resources?

13. If you want to make a big change in your life, such as making a big move or pursuing education or training or a new career, do you get to decide for yourself whether to do so?

14. If you live alone, have you developed any skills or perspectives that you may not have honed if you lived most of your life with another person?

The humans and nonhumans in your life

15. Tell me about the people who mean the most to you. Include the people who have been important to you at different times in your life, even if you are no longer in touch with them. Include people who have inspired you or served as cautionary tales, even if you never met them.

16. Think beyond humans or humans who are still living. Who or what else matters to you in ways that are not just superficial (e.g., ancestors, spiritual figures, nonhuman animals, the natural world)?

17. What kinds of experiences have made you feel close to another person?

18. Who will be your beneficiaries after you die? What will your legacy be?

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Why Those Questions Matter

Consider the questions I listed and compare them to the typical questions lobbed at single people. In everyday life, they include: Are you (still) single? Are you seeing anyone? Do you have kids? In the social sciences, researchers love asking single people about loneliness and other presumed deficits in their lives, without bothering to ask about what makes their lives meaningful or fulfilling.

That’s becoming more and more misguided. In recent years, when adults are asked what makes their lives meaningful or fulfilling, the number of people mentioning romantic partners or spouses or romantic love has been decreasing, and the number mentioning freedom and independence has been increasing.

In the first question, I asked not just what you find meaningful and fulfilling in your life, but also whether those things reflect who you really are and what is most important to you. People who are "Single at Heart"—single life is their best life, and they invest in it rather than trying to escape it—are likely to be living authentically, according to their values. By investing in their lives, they also develop skills and perspectives less likely to be honed by people who count on a partner to cover certain tasks (Question 14). That’s probably one of the reasons why lifelong single people often fare better than divorced or widowed people in later life.

Questions 4, 5, and 7 also let single people speak for themselves about what matters to them. Those questions do not presume that a single person’s life is bereft of joy or purpose or meaning. In Question 5, I asked specifically what you (the single person) would do if you had the money you needed, because single people are often massively disadvantaged financially by laws and policies that only benefit married people. If they live alone, they have to cover all their expenses themselves. And, yet, compared to people who marry, people who stay single are more likely to choose work that is meaningful, even when that means getting paid less. Question 6 invites them to talk about that.

The second question, about having a variety of interesting, perspective-changing experiences, defines what it means to have a psychologically rich life. That kind of life, and not just a happy life or a meaningful life, is what many people see as a good life. There are some indications that single people, and perhaps especially the "Single at Heart," are more likely to lead psychologically rich lives.

The third set of questions is the kinds of questions single people (and everyone else) should be asked all those times when they are only asked about loneliness. People who are "Single at Heart" overwhelmingly see the time they have to themselves as sweet solitude; they rarely worry about being lonely. In recent years, scholars have been turning their attention to solitude and documenting the profound benefits it can offer, especially to those who seek it for positive reasons.

Single people, particularly the "Single at Heart," love the freedom and autonomy of their lives. People who value freedom and self-expression more are happier, whether they are single or coupled. But single people get even more happiness out of their embrace of freedom, research shows. Questions 8 through 13 invite people to talk about many of the ways they enjoy freedom and autonomy in their lives.

Now look at Questions 15 and 16. Notice how respectful they are of all the different kinds of humans (and nonhumans) who may matter to us. They are so much more openhearted and open-minded than the usual conversational patter about spouses and children.

Question 17 is about intimacy. But instead of taking a view of intimacy that boxes it into the narrow confines of sex or romance, it welcomes discussions of all sorts of experiences of closeness.

The last question is potentially about all the big topics the other questions covered—people and freedom and meaningfulness. If you are single and you don’t have kids, you may not feel an obligation to designate particular people as beneficiaries in your will. You can choose anyone you like. You can also give to the causes you want to support or create your own cause or fund or foundation. You get to leave a legacy.

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