Verified by 
Mark Twain once suggested that at the age of 12 a boy starts imitating a man and just keeps on doing that for the rest of his life. Boys don’t get a lot of help in figuring out what it means to be a man and how to be comfortable with the man they are becoming.
The situation has only gotten more complicated for white boys in today’s changing world. In my work with teachers over the years, I have had many conversations about the social-emotional development of their white male students. In what follows I’ve put together some thoughts on what I’ve heard and what I’ve learned from my own experiences growing up male—a sort of wish list of those things white boys might learn to help them grow up to become vibrant and confident men.
Hey Guys!
Life’s not easy for anyone, of either gender and no matter the color of your skin. While life may be harder for some people, that doesn’t mean things are easy for white boys. There are some specific challenges if you are white and male, so I’ve put together some tips on navigating through the complicated adult world of relationships.
–There are different timetables for development. Everyone does not mature at the same pace and in the same way. It’s ok to not feel as mature as some of the people around you. Guys sometimes try to act like they’re a lot older than they feel. Try not to—you can avoid some bad choices if you do.
–As a white male, when you walk into a room other people are going to make some assumptions about you that may or may not be correct. Some common assumptions include that you are dominating, that you are racially insensitive, that you have an easy life, and that no one really judges you as you go about your life. These assumptions may seem ridiculous to you, unfair, and way off the mark, but being a white male carries with it certain stereotypes. (That’s sort of how the world works—consider what assumptions you make about people who look differently than you.)
–Remember: Being “White” is just one identity among many others in this world. You may have more in common than you think with someone who looks different from you. Learning how to get along with people from different backgrounds is a great talent to have and will serve you well as you make a career in the larger world. So, don’t shut down other people—learn from them. Ask questions, show interest.
–Hey, this is important! Learning how to create fulfilling relationships really matters—research shows that white men as they get older become more isolated and lonely. This can affect your mental health and success in life.
–You can create fulfilling relationship by:
Reaching out to other people and showing curiosity about them.
Looking other people in the eye when talking with them and showing interest in what they are saying.
If you are curious about another person, don’t ask, “where are you REALLY from?” You might instead ask, “Who are your people?”
–Life is hard for everyone: It’s not because something is wrong with you. There is no shame in reaching out for help if you are feeling sad or down or at the boiling point. People who get help when they need it are smart. A big trap for men is that they wall themselves off or “armor up” when they are having difficulties. Don’t isolate—reach out for help.
–Let’s talk about sex. First thing is: You can talk about it. Regardless of where you are on the gender continuum, you need to know that you and your partner can talk about what you want, what you like and what you don’t like. What gives you pleasure, what gives your partner pleasure and what doesn’t? Talk to each other at each step in the experience of sexuality, including whether you are ready for that step or not. As a sexual encounter is happening, ask things like, “What did you like about that?” “What are you enjoying right now?”
–About girls: There’s more than sex available. Don’t be afraid of learning about how the world works and about who you are from girls and women, not just from other guys. Have you ever asked a girl a question, and truly cared about the answer?” Hopefully, the answer is and remains, “yes.”
–You may feel you’ve heard more than enough about “white privilege,” yet…Consider this: Understanding what “white privilege” really means can help you connect with other people. The term doesn’t mean that you have an easy life or that you don’t have to work hard for what you achieve. It means simply that white people have certain advantages in this society denied to people of color simply because of skin color. For example, you are statistically far less likely to experience violence from the police for a simple traffic stop or to be suspected of shoplifting in a designer clothes store. It’s not your fault that white privilege exists, but doing the inner homework of understanding what it means for people of color will be connective with others and can help you succeed as an adult. Men who can understand and relate to other people are highly desired in the work force.
–Our culture is becoming more diverse. This is not an “attack” on white culture. Most people of color simply want “a place at the table”—an opportunity to live free of fear and with a sense of well- being so as to participate in being Americans. Still, it can feel disorienting to have cherished beliefs and familiar heroes be scrutinized. You can be curious about American history and love your heritage while also questioning some of the attitudes and behaviors of past generations.
–There’s a difference between belonging and “fitting in.” We all want to belong to something, a group that defines and supports us, that gives us a sense of feeling at home. Belonging brings a sense of trust and safety. “Fitting in” is different: Sometimes we edit out parts of who we are or make compromises about our values and beliefs in order to “fit into” a group. If all we are doing is “fitting in” then we are lacking something important in our lives. An assumption people may make about white boys is that they already belong and fit in wherever they go, without any effort. This is often not the case. Define your own values; don’t just go along.
–Get to know what you are feeling. As boys and men, we get a lot of messages to ignore our feelings, particularly feelings of sadness, shame, vulnerability, and empathy, but also feelings of pleasure. We can be told to “tough it out,” “man up,” “don’t be a pussy.” This is bad advice. There’s a place for being able to tough things out, but there is also great value in getting to know what you’re feeling—it can strengthen you to deal with life’s hardships and avoid the loneliness and frustration that can characterize some adult men’s lives.
–So, that’s it for now. I’m sure there’s more we could add to the list, and I’d welcome hearing what you would add to it. I hope this is helpful to you in becoming the kind of man you can feel proud to be.
All best,
Sam
