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Relationships
The 4 Biggest Lies That Destroy Love
These deceptions can shatter even the strongest relationships. Here's how.
Posted September 4, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Minimizing your feelings or your partner's actions is a lie that can wreak havoc on a relationship.
- The belief that you can change your partner is a dangerous lie that sets both of you up for disappointment.
- "We don’t need to talk about that" is one of the most destructive deceptions in a relationship.
Lying is often seen as the ultimate betrayal in a relationship, but the most destructive lies are not always the obvious ones. These subtle, insidious deceptions can slowly erode the foundation of trust, leaving even the most vital relationships in ruins. Here are four of the biggest lies that destroy intimate relationships and scenarios that illustrate how these lies can lead to heartbreak.
1. “I’m Fine.”
Scenario:
Sandra and Abe had been together for three years. Lately, Sandra had been feeling overwhelmed by work and the lack of intimacy in their relationship, but whenever Abe asked how she was doing, her response was always, “I’m fine.” She believed that by keeping her struggles to herself, she was protecting Abe from stress. Over time, her resentment grew, and Abe became increasingly distant, sensing that something was off but not knowing what it was.
The Lie:
The “I’m fine” lie is a silent killer in relationships. It’s often used to avoid confrontation or maintain peace, but it creates a chasm between partners.
By denying your true feelings, you deny your partner the opportunity to support and understand you. The façade of everything being “fine” only postpones the inevitable explosion where suppressed emotions finally surface, often with damaging consequences. True intimacy requires vulnerability, and that means being honest about when things are not OK.
2. “It’s No Big Deal.”
Scenario:
Tom and Rhiana had always prided themselves on being a low-drama couple. Whenever Tom flirted with other women or spent excessive time on his hobbies, Rhiana would tell herself, “It’s no big deal.” She didn’t want to appear needy or insecure, so she buried her discomfort.
However, this lie began to eat away at her self-esteem, and the more she convinced herself that it wasn’t a big deal, the more disconnected she felt from Tom. Eventually, the minor grievances Rhiana had ignored snowballed into a much larger issue that became impossible.
The Lie:
Minimizing your feelings or your partner’s actions is another lie that can wreak havoc on a relationship. Telling yourself, “It’s no big deal,” when something genuinely bothers you leads to unresolved issues and resentment.
Over time, these small lies accumulate, creating an emotional distance that can be difficult to bridge. In healthy relationships, even the “small deals” are addressed and respected because they reflect deeper needs and boundaries.
3. “I Can Change Them.”
Scenario:
When Lisa met Mike, she was immediately drawn to his charm and adventurous spirit. However, she also noticed his reluctance to commit and his habit of avoiding difficult conversations. Despite these red flags, Lisa convinced herself that she could change him over time—that with enough love and patience, Mike would become the partner she wanted him to be. After years of trying to mold him into her ideal, Lisa was frustrated and heartbroken as Mike remained elusive.
The Lie:
As I wrote in my book, Why Can’t You Read My Mind? , the belief that you can change your partner is a dangerous lie that sets both people up for disappointment. People can grow and evolve, but change must come from within, not from someone else’s efforts or expectations.
When you enter a relationship hoping to change fundamental aspects of your partner, you’re not truly accepting them for who they are. This lie leads to frustration, resentment, and, often, the realization that you’ve been in love with an idealized version of someone rather than who they are.
4. “We Don’t Need to Talk About That.”
Scenario:
John and Allie had been married for 10 years, but John started feeling disconnected from Allie. He thought about bringing it up but then said, “We don’t need to talk about that. It’ll work itself out.”
Meanwhile, Allie notices John’s withdrawal and wonders if she has done something wrong. Instead of addressing their growing emotional distance, they avoided the conversation, hoping that time would heal whatever was wrong. But the distance only grew, and the damage was too severe to repair by the time they finally confronted the issue.
The Lie:
Avoiding difficult conversations with the excuse of “We don’t need to talk about that” is one of the most destructive lies in a relationship. Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and when you choose not to address issues, they don’t go away—they rot.
This lie often stems from fear of conflict or hurting your partner, but the truth is that avoidance only leads to more significant misunderstandings and emotional distance. The sooner you address the tough topics, the stronger your relationship will be.
The Take-Away
These four lies—spoken or unspoken—can slowly dismantle the love and trust that holds a relationship together. Commit to honesty, vulnerability, and open communication to protect your relationship, no matter how uncomfortable. Only then can you build a love that is resilient and true.
