How to Respond When Your Adult Child Says Hurtful Things

Melanie could not believe how her 28-year old son, Colin, was suddenly screaming and going off on her. Just an hour earlier they were having a stimulating discussion about commonly liked popular movies. Now, she felt overwhelmed and hurt by his rant, loaded with cursing, about accusations that she was "the worst parent on the planet."

The Impact of Hurting Adult Children Who Lash Out

Parents who have struggling adult children who lash out in mean ways end up feeling like the walking wounded. That's because adult children who are hurting often take their angst out on their parents. They know there is a short list of people who will love—and put up with them—no matter what, and their parents are at the top of that list. This often leaves the parents overly blaming themselves for an adult child's struggles.

Yes, some parents may have said or done hurtful things to their children. If you are an adult child reading this, know that I understand that. At the same time, wouldn't you and your parent benefit most by having calm, constructive conversations instead of hurtful, fruitless arguments?

Stories Filled With Pain

The stories I'm told when I coach these parents are often heart-wrenching. They include details of adult sons, daughters and non-binary adult children who never really thrived academically, vocationally, or socially. At the same time, I hear of adult children who had been doing well academically, socially, and even in the world of work who became waylaid by traumatic events, health conditions, or getting mixed up with an unhealthy intimate partner.

Regardless of the circumstances, the persistent reality is that parents tend to feel rocked by the mean things they hear from struggling adult children. Let's take a look below at some representative examples that my coaching clients share with me about what happens to them.

Examples of Feeling Hurt by a Challenging Adult Child

• Unfavorably comparing you to other parents or grandparents. You feel tired, shamed, and emotionally drained and think that maybe you are the problem after all.
• Bringing up a decision you made years ago and dwelling on the past with a "woe is me" mindset. You fail to be assertive because you feel guilty, though it is not really justifiable.
• A text or call out of nowhere asking for money. You feel worn down, so you give in without really discussing the matter.
• An accusation over something you did or did not do, or that you weren't doing enough compared to what you did/do for their siblings. You feel as if you are used to being accused of things like this, but deep down you wonder, "Can anyone really put up with this kind of emotional abuse?"
• Telling you that you have not been supportive toward their toxic, manipulative relationship partner—and yet they call you and complain about them. You worry this toxic partner may be there for the long haul so you just take this wrongful accusation.
• Being blamed by them for their relationship problems. You marvel at how distorted this is, yet don't have the energy to speak your own truth that this is not the case.
• Denying a substance abuse problem or full-on addiction and blaming you for stressing them out and "making" them use alcohol or drugs. You have tried in the past to mention substance abuse and your adult child has been in denial and has now pulled you in too.

Keeping Your Cool by Being a Voice of Reason

If you get pulled into these crises, it is time to stop fueling the madness. My book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, includes the following parent coaching tips that are highly applicable to these power struggles:

• When your adult child is otherwise disrespectful, say, "You'll likely feel better about yourself when you speak to me in the respectful manner that I am trying to speak to you."
• To sidestep a heated argument, say, "I hear that is how you see it; I see it differently."
• To counter when your adult child manipulatively says, "You don't care about me," you can say, "I appreciate you telling me you feel this way. What am I doing that is getting in the way of showing how much I value and love you?"

Bearing in mind the strategies above, don't forget to hold a mirror to your adult child when they do speak and act in more reasonable ways. So, when your adult child does regulate their emotions and open up to you in a constructive way, make sure you "catch them" positively engaging you and let them know you appreciate it.

Final Thoughts

Clearly, parents need to be sure to apologize for their past shortcomings, within reason. Remind your adult child that you are still learning to be their parent. After all, Isn't that true? In this spirit of a growth mindset, you can further share that the best way for you to keep learning and growing is to have constructive conversations with them. Even if they are not ready to do this, you can find comfort in knowing that you will be always be a solid voice of reason.