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Key points
- An adult child who feels stuck will have a hard time getting to a better place.
- Switching lanes from overly reactive, intrusive parent to empowered emotion coach will help you escape fruitless power struggles.
- The more your speak in a constructive manner, the more likely you will be heard.
Based on my work coaching parents of adult children in the U.S. and many other parts of the world, I hear many stories of major frustration about shut down, struggling adult children. In this post, I share how to respond to some common themes of denial, anger, and helplessness.
The soundbites that I will share below come from the trenches of parents adopting the Calm, Firm, Non-Controlling approach, as detailed in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, 2nd Edition. This empowering, action-oriented mindset helps parents bypass their own and their child's emotional reactivity and the resulting power struggles. This approach is very helpful for managing adult children with whom it is tough to have constructive conversations. After all, isn't that the goal?
As you will see below, there are three parts to each soundbite:
- What the adult child says.
- My description is in brackets of what the adult child's comment means.
- Sample parent responses that my coaching clients find empower them to sidestep fruitless power struggles and have a voice that most likely sinks in and resonates.
Switching Lanes From Vulnerable Parent to Empowered Emotion Coach
Seeing yourself as your adult child's emotion coach helps you break from being typecast as a nagging, adversarial parent. A sample soundbite may be something like: I hear you're annoyed that I asked again if you got a job. I'll keep working on backing off. I realize that putting yourself out there to get a job can feel overwhelming. At the same time, we both know you'll feel better having more independence and structure in your life. Just know that I am here to be supportive of you.
More Sample Adult Child Statements and Effective Parent Responses
Adult Child: I know you can afford it; why don't you help me? [This reflects an expectation rather than truly appreciating their parents subsidizing costs such as purchases, an apartment, car insurance, or college tuition].
Parent: You are right; I could afford to spend more money to help you. I can certainly understand the pull to have me provide more support for you. At the same time, I think you will feel better about yourself by being less dependent on my financial support.
Adult Child: Why should I have to take some soul-sucking job that I hate doing? [This suggests denial and magical thinking by being disconnected from managing adult responsibilities].
Parent: I hear you; any job can feel depleting and leave you feeling drained and unhappy. I'm wondering, though, if you'd agree that having structure and earning your own money may also be good for your soul as well?
Adult Child: Everyone in this family is a high achiever except me. [This points to the adult child having low self-esteem and making themself vulnerable. There is a palpable victim mindset as well, which often goes hand-in-hand with low self-esteem].
Parent: It is tempting and easy to compare ourselves to others. Would you agree that if you really took the time and focused on your past personal victories, I can name some for you, that this would be more empowering for you?
Adult Child: You ruined my self-esteem by always putting me down. [This is destructive all-or-nothing thinking mixed in with a victim mentality. Even if the parent was/is awful, isn't it still best for the emotionally injured adult child to use self-sufficiency as a healthier way to heal and grow?]
Parent: I appreciate you being open with me. I apologize for my past mistakes. At times my anxiety about you got the best of me, and I came off in ways that were controlling and unhealthy. Still, I believe we are all learning and growing and that if you focus more on helping yourself versus saying hurtful things to me, you will find yourself in a better place.
Final Thoughts
I hope you find the above soundbites helpful. Keep in mind they are intended as a guiding, healthy, mutually empowering mindset versus a set script. Some frustrated and hurt readers may understandably want to weaponize this post by sending it to their adult children. That is not the intended purpose, and, tragically, you will be truly undermining yourself by doing so.
References
Bernstein, J. (2020), The Anxiety, Depression & Anger Toolbox for Teens: 150 Powerful Mindfulness, CBT & Positive Psychology Activities to Manage Emotions, PESI Publishing, EuClaire, WA.
Bernstein, J. (2003). Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship Paperback, Perseus Books, New York, NY
Bernstein, J. (2015). 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, second edition: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior Paperback, Hachette Publications, New York, NY.
