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When I coach parents of adult children I help them set healthy boundaries and stop enabling behaviors. As described on the website, Good Therapy, enabling is a pattern of behavior that becomes organized among the family and friends of any person who is exhibiting poor choices that harm themselves or others and for which they are not being held responsible.
Often when parents consult me it's because they get stuck in being able to distinguish between their adult child's "Cannots or Choose Nots". Here are common ones I hear about when coaching parents.
- Cannot hold a job or chooses not to?
- Cannot take responsibility or chooses not to take things on?
- Cannot focus on college classes or chooses not to?
- Cannot make good decisions or chooses not to?
- Cannot manage anxiety or chooses not to?
- Cannot stay free of drug use or chooses not to?
- Cannot hold on to meaningful relationships or chooses not to?
Fast Action Crisis Team To The Rescue---YOU!
Figuring their adult child cannot do these things, parents often reflexively throw on SWAT team rescue gear and bail the adult child out of the crisis of the day. My SWAT metaphor stands, in this case, for:
S-----Struggle when you find out about your adult child's latest crisis.
W----Worry, worry, and worry.
A----Allow yourself to get sucked in.
T----Try to fix your adult child's problems with time, money, and worry!
The parent then struggles in the aftermath to understand if the adult child manufactured the crisis or just cannot cope and make good crisis prevention choices! The parent, of course, is now the hero--until the adult child rips the parent for not doing enough or until the next manufactured crisis!
So are YOU enabling your adult child? It can be challenging to know the answer because parents and adult children come in all types of personalities, interpersonal dynamics, and family histories.
All that said, check out the following questions. Even one yes suggests you may be enabling your adult child.
1) Are You Acting out of Fear?
When your adult child is struggling, do you fear that if you don't put on your SWAT team parenting gear she will lose her job, never get a job, fail out of college, or become homeless?
Are you afraid of starting another nasty argument if you deny him or her?
Are you worried he will break off contact their relationship with you if you say, "No."?
2) Do you do whatever you can to avoid conflict because you believe doing so will solve problems?
Do conflicts with your adult child leave you feeling powerless?
Are you hopeful that her self-defeating behaviors (including drug or alcohol use) is just a phase and will go away on their own if you just keep her out of trouble?
3) Do you have a hard time expressing your true thoughts and feelings?
Maybe you know what you want to say to your adult child but then in "real time" you choke on your words?
Or, do you hold in your thoughts and feelings putting yourself on the "bottle it up and implode later plan" (resulting in lost sleep, ruminating, and feeling miserable with worry)?
4) Do you take over the responsibilities of your adult child?
Do you cover for and pick up his or her slack to minimize the negative consequences? Do you repeatedly come to the rescue — giving out "loans" ("Mom, dad, I swear I'll pay you back this time!") bailing him or her out of jail, out of financial problems or other tight spots?
CONCLUSION
As I say to my phone coaching clients, "Remember that the only perfect people are in the cemetery!" You are only human as a parent of a struggling adult child. Don't beat yourself if you have been enabling. But do consider that you and your adult child will likely both be in a better place if you finally lose your SWAT team gear! By earnestly reviewing the above questions you are taking the first step in doing so. Remember, "Give a person a fish and you feed her or him for a day; teach her or him to fish and you feed them for a lifetime!"
For more about Dr. Jeff, please visit, drjeffonline.com
