What Is the Biggest Mistake Gift-Givers Make?

Gift-giving can be a part of a time-honored tradition or ritual or it can be a spontaneous event that arises out of the connection between two people. Branco-Illodo and Heath (2020) noted that there are unwritten rules of reciprocity regarding the exchanging of gifts that spring from ancient traditions. The purposes of gift-giving have traditionally been to regulate bonds with others and to convey status, identity, and control. The person with more status can generally afford to gift others with more valuable gifts, thus symbolizing their greater status. Being the recipient of a luxury gift, even today, can leave the recipient feeling as if they are under the control of the other. The goal of exchanging gifts, however, was the integration of society and the creation of bonds that were evidenced by the exchange of gifts.

Gifts continue to serve as symbols of someone’s feelings towards the recipient. While we may like to imagine that gifts are freely given and are a token of another’s esteem, often gifts are given because of cultural or relational expectations. Whether we are celebrating someone’s birthday, our own anniversary, a religious or cultural event, or individual accomplishments or milestones, gift-giving can feel prescriptive and perfunctory.

Why Do Some Gifts Fail So Miserably?

Gifts are given as symbols of our sentiments towards a person and problems may arise when there is a mismatch between the sentiment language that the gift giver uses and the sentiment language that the recipient is fluent in using. While gifts are symbols of feelings and emotions that we may not have words for or may have difficulty expressing (Branco-Illodo & Heath, 2020), sometimes our message may not translate as well as hoped when our gift is viewed as off-the-mark by our recipient. For instance, sometimes romantic partners choose gifts that communicate a sentiment that is completely opposite of what was intended. Receiving a robotic vacuum when you hope for something more personal can lead to disappointment and the feeling that your partner just doesn’t get you.

The Best Gifts

The gifts that people treasure the most are those that provide an experiential element, are unforgettable, or are life-changing (Branco-Illodo & Heath, 2020). The gift isn’t just what was wrapped in paper, it is an embodiment of something more than just a material thing. These are the gifts that reflect the care that someone has for our own experiences — gifting the perfect gift requires an investment of more than just cash by the giver. It’s been described as a sacrifice by the giver of resources, such as time, money, energy, labor, and thought. From the selection of the gift to its wrapping and presentation, the giver has fueled the exchange with sentiment and care. These are the gifts that come from the giver’s heart and are intended to move the heart of the recipient.

The Worst Gifts: Avoiding a Gift Rift

Gifts that are chosen perfunctorily, just to “give a gift,” or those that are chosen by someone other than the giver are often disappointing gifts. When the sentiment is lost or overlooked, the gift’s power to please — regardless of its objective value — is minimized. Gifts that are far more costly than a person can easily afford also can create trouble. Feelings of guilt for accepting a too-valuable gift can arise.

There are three other gift types that can be problematic and these all reflect the over-involvement of the giver’s ego:

1. Show-Off Gifts: These are gifts that are designed to be flashy or attention-getting, which play to the ego of the giver. They are the “Look at me!” type of gifts that say more about the giver’s ego than they do about the sentiment the giver feels for the recipient.
2. Quantity over Quality Gifts: These are gifts that are more about giving a lot of something of less quality, instead of a single gift of greater inherent quality. This can be a reflection of ego, as well. The gift is about how many or how big, not about what matters most.
3. Material Gifts versus Experiential Gifts: These gifts may have value, but may not be as pleasing as an equivalent experience might be for the recipient. These may be gifts that are more perfunctorily selected and that require nothing more from the giver than a bow, rather than something that involves spending time together or allowing the recipient to engage in an adventure, such as skiing, going to a play, or a sporting event that they would prefer.

Other misfires in gifting include these mismatches between what people might want versus what the giver wants to give:

1. “Out of the Blue” gifts that can’t compare to the “Just What I Wanted” gifts that require observation of the recipient and listening to what they may share about their needs.
2. Big Ticket Gifts when what is preferred is something more sentimental, intimate, or meaningful. In an effort to prove their affection, a person might not think about the recipient’s preferences and rather choose something big and ostentatious rather than something simple that would be more appreciated.
3. Unique Gifts versus the Gift that Reflects the Recipient’s Uniqueness. While a one-of-a-kind item might be cool and something that you’d love to own, thinking about the one-of-a-kind recipient and their preferences could lead you to a more appreciated and appropriate gift choice.
4. Making a Donation versus Giving a Material Gift. Sometimes people don’t want a star named after them or to have animals adopted in their names. In some situations, individuals may prefer a more tangible, if less expensive, gift, especially when they are struggling financially.

The best gifts are always those that speak to the heart of the recipient in a language that they understand. Listen and observe your intended recipient. Invite them to share their thoughts on what a “perfect gift” would be. Even if you can’t get them exactly what they want, you’ll have an idea of the kind of gift most likely to please. By learning their language, you’ll be in a much better position to let your heart speak to the heart of your recipient.