7 Ways to Tell if a Relationship Is Built to Last

When you’re in the early stages of a relationship, it can be intoxicating. Attraction can cloud your brain and blind you to a partner’s faults. We are programmed to fall in love through the basic drive to support the survival of the species — whether we want to procreate or not. It’s only as you get to know your partner after the glitz and afterglow wear off that you’ll be able to determine if they are truly long-term prospects.

Although it’s almost impossible during the height of an infatuation, it can be a good idea to check yourself before going all-in on what could be a lose-lose relationship — emotionally, financially, sexually, or just in terms of your time.

Here are seven questions to ask yourself if you feel like you’re falling too hard too fast:

1. Do you find yourself having to bite your tongue to avoid conflict more often than you should? If so, this can be a long-term problem for a long-term relationship. Couples who are able to express their emotions freely with one another enjoy happier relationships and are happier themselves (Han et al., 2023).
2. Does this person have long-term goals in life? If the answer is yes, ask yourself if their long-term goals make sense to you. If their long-term objectives, whether they are materialistic, altruistic, or idiosyncratic, are ideals or aspirations that you just can’t get behind, then this person might not have the long-term relationship potential you’re seeking.
3. Does this person value the things that you value in your day-to-day life? Most people can benefit from trying new activities or doing things a little differently, but if you need to totally re-organize your life and give up your favorite hobbies or pastimes, this can be a problem. If a partner’s priorities get in the way of your own priorities, you might want to consider the longevity potential of the relationship.
4. Does this person have the same "big-picture" values in life that you do? Shared values are part of the glue that supports relationship durability (Li et al., 2022). Our values are usually visible to others by the actions we take, and our values include everything from spiritual beliefs to financial practices to environmental concerns or basic practical beliefs. Some questions you might ask yourself about your partner include things like: Do they believe in the value of an honest day’s work? The need to be environmentally conscious and leave the world a better place than it was when you entered? The value of doing a good deed or putting yourself before others? If a potential long-term mate doesn’t value the things that you value, the relationship is going to either be a continual struggle for dominance or come to a quick end.
5. How does this person spend their leisure time? Do you feel good about their choices or are you already thinking of ways that you’d need to cover for or explain their behavior? If you’re not totally okay with their personal hobbies, habits, or behaviors, chances are that once the passion fades, the respect will fade, as well.
6. Would you respect this person even if there was no chemistry or passion between you? If not, this relationship is likely based on qualities and expectations that are not likely to last long-term.
7. Do you laugh at the same things and see the world from a similar perspective? Couples who respond to things in a similar way have been shown to exhibit neural synchronization, which is a predictor of satisfaction with a partner (Li et al., 2022). While you might never find your partner’s jokes as funny as they think they are, sharing a laugh at the same point in a movie or getting choked up about the same romantic scenes is a good sign.

A lot of potential mates can seem like “the one” early in a relationship. The emotional and hormonal blitzkrieg that attraction creates clouds people’s vision for a while. Then sometimes you change, sometimes a partner changes, or sometimes we both just show up as who we really are. And that is when reality can come crashing down on these imaginarily perfect relationships and people see their partner as the imperfect human they are. That’s also when the true test of a couple’s relationship happens.

While there is not likely to be a single person who will be “the one” for most people, there will indeed be potential partners who are worth the investment of time, patience, and acceptance. None of us are perfect partners, although many of us would like to believe otherwise. It is the combination of our ability to accept that a long-term partner has their own flaws and shortcomings, and our decision to accept that these qualities are not deal-breakers, that allows us to establish and maintain long-term relationships.

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