How to Cope When Dealing With a Loved One's Addiction

The hardest thing about wanting to help an adult child or another loved one who is struggling against addiction is that the person themselves can seem hidden by the addiction itself. No one is able to reason with addiction—and until your loved one is able to fully take control of the addictive urges, it can be impossible to reach them or even feel that your support has value.

• Remind yourself that good and caring parents can only do so much; they can’t force a child to change.
• Remind yourself an addict’s choices are driven fully by the addiction’s urges to feed itself. Until your child detoxes completely and becomes ready to actually end their using, there is little anyone can do to stop them from finding a way to do so.
• When you’re feeling overwhelmed, be kind to yourself and remind yourself of who your child was when they were young and the happy memories you have of the family then. Know that there is nothing that a parent can do to go back in time to do differently then or now to reshape the past.
• If you and a partner are working together to support your child, being patient with one another, leaning on each other, and recognizing the value of keeping the strong foundation of your own relationship shored up is essential now as you both face the struggles of parenting an adult addict.

Maintaining a united front with your partner and other caring and invested family and friends is important. This sends a message of support and may keep your addicted child from playing one person against another. It also provides everyone with a sense of support and connection during these difficult times.

In the Depths of the Addiction

In the throes of an addiction, remind yourself that it is the addiction that is driving your child’s current behavior—their inability to satisfy this overwhelming need to feed the addiction may drive your child to make increasingly poor choices. The choices of your addicted child will not look rational or reasonable to you because they are driven by the addiction.

Addicted individuals may compromise important relationships with family or partners; they may blow off responsibilities related to their jobs; they may pick fights with their support network; they may try to convince others to help them feed their addiction. Eventually, they may run out of viable options as the addiction’s hold on them leads them into increasingly dangerous territory. Know that their choices are made from desperation, not from reason.

Remind yourself that the addiction and lies are controlling the narrative right now—you are only hearing from your child what they want you to believe. Until an addicted person is able to speak the truth and allow the truth to control the narrative, expect that much of what they share is untrue. An addicted person may go to great lengths to have their lies control the narrative.

If Your Child Reaches Out to a 12-Step or Support Group

For some, 12-step groups or other support groups can be enough to help a person get sober and stay sober. For many addicts, daily (or multiple daily) attendance at meetings can be exactly what frees them from the addiction—it provides accountability and group support, which are so helpful to so many addicts of all types. For others, groups can be good places to begin.

Seeking Group Support for Yourself

Consider attending a support group yourself. Whether you attend in person or virtually, being among those who have walked the same path that you are now on can be immensely satisfying, encouraging, and normalizing. If you feel unable to reach out to friends and family for fear of being judged, finding group support can feel like being able to breathe again.

Al-Anon, GamAnon, and other similar groups can normalize your own experiences and help you feel less alone or isolated. However, don’t allow yourself to become overwhelmed with the “unhappy endings” that group members may share. Train yourself to listen for the “happy endings” and recognize that there is hope that your child will be able to turn around their life and get back on track in the future.

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Never lose hope that things can improve—life does get tricky and dark at times, but the dawn always comes. Sometimes, the outcomes are not what we’d hoped, but there are always lessons that we learn about our own strengths as we navigate difficult times. Don’t lose sight of the person trapped by the addiction—sometimes, holding on to that image is what provides the fuel to keep going.

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