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Leadership
Having Thanksgiving with Members of the Other Party
Keep in mind they may differ in what makes them feel safe.
Posted November 25, 2020
As we sit down to Thanksgiving dinner, we may struggle to understand how family members who voted for the other side could have voted the way they did. The answer may lie in the different leadership styles that give each of us a feeling of safety. The election has shown us that our country is pretty close to evenly divided on what gives us security.
Political and policy differences aside, we know that people often vote for the person they would prefer to have a beer with, the candidate they feel they can relate to—who fits with their experience of what a strong leader looks like. The one who resembles what they are most familiar with is more likely to gain their trust and get their vote.
In families, fathers traditionally provide for and protect the family, much like a president does for the country. And the father is usually the de facto role model for masculinity in the family. When the candidates are both men, it follows that we choose the one who fits our image of how we think a father should present himself—who embodies the particular notion of masculinity that gives us a sense of security. In this sense, the 2020 election can be seen as a referendum on the father figure we want to lead the country and the free world.
The dominant father
The dominant father is the undeniable head of the family—he has the final say. This type of masculinity demonstrates strength by acting with unflinching certainty. He doesn’t second guess himself, and he does not apologize. Any admission of being wrong opens up the potential for us to doubt his ability—it is seen as a sign of weakness. This type of father provides security by providing an unquestionable sense that he is in charge and can fix the problems. He leads by giving us someone to follow.
In childhood, between the ages of one and two, we begin to become aware of how small we are relative to the world around us—we begin to feel our vulnerability. Having a father who is forceful and authoritative makes us feel safe. Feeling threatened on the playground, this father’s child might bolster his courage with thoughts like, “my dad isn’t scared of anything, he can beat you up.” The father’s strength is experienced as an external part of the child’s self.
When we feel like we live in a dangerous world, we might find a candidate who embodies this type of father figure reassuring. Feeling open to attack, we appreciate an aggressive leader who insists that he will protect us and lead the charge, reassuring us that our concerns are being addressed. The certainty with which this leader asserts his position also offers a sense of clarity and fosters loyalty. As loyalists, we share in his strength and feel stronger ourselves as a result.
The understanding father
The understanding father invests energy in learning who we are as individuals and how we experience the world around us. He is empathic. He provides us with a sense of security in that he reassures us that we are being heard and more importantly, that we are accepted. This father displays masculinity and strength by being able to openly admit his fallibility, share his vulnerability, and yet, persevere in his efforts.
As children of this type of father, we develop an inner sense of security from feeling understood and accepted—seen and affirmed. Knowing that we will be accepted, we develop a sense of inner-strength. It is ok to make mistakes, so we can take risks without fearing losing our father’s love. In the form of a bolstered self-esteem, we carry this father with us wherever we go.
Being able to admit to vulnerability, not knowing, and having doubts, allows us to feel the strength that comes from being resilient—we might not know what to do, but we can figure it out. If we don’t impose on ourselves the need to have all the answers, we can escape the rigid confines of feeling we have to have it all figured out ahead of time—the fragility of having to be right. If we can admit to mistakes, we free ourselves of the fear of being exposed as a fraud.
How they compare
Each of these fathers provides a different type of security. The more dominant father provides a sense of safety by being a strong external presence who we can rely on to protect us from external threats. The more understanding father nurtures an inner sense of security by providing us with the sense of being accepted and increased self-esteem.
When we are preoccupied with external threats, the traditional father might be more appealing—he allows us to feel that someone has got our back. When we are concerned about being included, feeling accepted, the understanding father fortifies us with a sense of inner-security.
When these two types of fathers are represented as polarized opposites, each can be experienced as a threat. The dominant father can cause us to feel that we are being controlled. The understanding father can cause us to feel that we are not sufficiently protected from external threats that we are incapable of handling ourselves.
Ultimately, we need a father, and President, that does both—keeps us safe from external threats and helps us evolve a healthy and realistic relationship with our own humanity.
