5 Ways to Show Love in a Hospital Context

Source: geralt/pixabay

Recently my husband entered the hospital for a joint replacement. Complications following surgery have kept him there as he has made his way through medical, physical, and psychological challenges.

Because of my beliefs about showing and experiencing love, I have been exploring ways that he can benefit from the commitment, understanding, and history that we share as well as unique ways we have developed of communicating with each other throughout more than a quarter-century together.

I draw on my personal experience as a woman who has loved deeply in roles as close as being a wife and parent and as broadly as coming to love those of my patients or students who have allowed themselves to be known. As a researcher, I co-authored studies documenting the benefits of a style of loving that can protect against depression and even mortality. (See reference below.)

As the author of this page, I have described 52 ways of showing love: I published a post on a different possibility every Sunday throughout 2017. Several of those approaches seemed especially useful in providing love and social support during hospitalization, with perhaps a bit of tweaking or personalizing for our specific situation. I share them now for those who might benefit from asking, “How can I help?”.

Sharing. By far, the most important way of showing love has been sharing. Simply being present to share the journey that he is on has allowed us to continue our deepest connections: bearing witness to and being a part of each other’s life. Again, I underscore the value of the Swedish proverb: Sharing doubles joy and halves grief. It can also be practical.

Having a separate human being to hear doctors, nurses, physical or occupational therapists, observe what is happening, record while grasping what is being said, and pay attention when the patient cannot, for whatever reason, provides instrumental support of great value.

One thing I learned is that, by law in our state, a patient cannot provide written consent for a second surgery within 24 hours of having consented to a first under anesthetic. Being available to fulfill the role of health care proxy, I could sign permission during a medical emergency, an urgent and timely benefit.

An invisible string. When the connection between two people is strong enough, information can sometimes transcend time and space. We had a two-year transatlantic courtship during which we practiced staying close to each other when we were embedded in very separate professional and cultural worlds. That invisible string has only become stronger through the years. It has made the separations when I need to leave at the end of visiting hours so much less problematic than they might have been.

One night I awoke with a start, feeling I needed to convey information to a night nurse at 2:00 a.m. Following my intuition, I made the call. Only moments before, my husband had pushed the nurse-alert button to get himself the intervention he needed.

Silence. One of the benefits of a long and loving relationship is comfort with each other’s silences. Across time, they are understood and freed from the projections of childhood scripts and expectations, and social conventions. Thus full presence becomes possible, without the demand that “dead air space” be filled or that one person needs to entertain or distract the other.

Rather, the attention of both the patient and the one who loves them can be allowed to freely wander and thus, again, to allow floating in and out of drug-induced alterations of consciousness or permitting conversations to arrive in their own natural time.

I have used my meditation skills to be able to be available and transition in and out according to the situation.

Adapting rituals. Maintaining meaningful rituals when daily life and biological rhythms are so distorted can be reassuring to both the patient and the supporter. Cellphones, a modern way to maintain contact in the face of physical separation, can be a blessing, allowing two people’s traditional ways of saying hello in the morning or sweet dreams at night to continue. As another example, we have a longtime tradition of celebrating each meal that we are able to share, no matter what, when, or where.

Relationships Essential Reads

Which Is Worse: A Bad Relationship or Being Single?

I Love You, But I’m Leaving: When Relationships Cost Too Much

Source: /Roni Beth Tower

Our bedside picnics can replace those we have created in many places across the years. When I visit with my hard-boiled eggs, salt shaker tucked into my pocketbook, I can always assure us that I am nourishing myself while my husband follows hospital demands or eats those things allowed by his diet.

I have contributed three posts about sharing food as a way of showing love — and the ritual remains a powerful one even when the same choices are not available to both people.

Provide surprises. One of the most overlooked ways of showing love is providing surprises. When a person’s level of tolerance for the unexpected or change is taken into account, the appearance of something familiar but out of context, perhaps jogging pleasant memories from the past, can bring a jolt of joy, and those positive hormones are always good for health.

I try to arrive each day with a surprise treat—something not on the hospital menu but allowable, a new type of toothpick for dealing with challenging hospital greens, news of a grandchild’s triumph during a volleyball game, or acceptance into a coveted program.

Possibilities abound. Perhaps next time, I will add more. Be creative, innovate, and adapt. Loving should never be limited by context.

Copyright 2022 Roni Beth Tower.