How to Face Any Challenge

Yogi Berra said, "When you come to a fork in the road...take it."

Source: lightsource/Depositphotos

Daily, in my clinical practice, I hear about my clients’ challenges. Here’s a small sampling: getting laid off from work; competing in a world-class athletic tournament; mourning the death of a close relative; caring for a child with learning disabilities. Each of us has a list. What challenges did you face today?

What I’ve noticed—in my clients, my friends, and myself—is that when we’re confronted with challenges—what I call “the tests of life”—the two most typical responses are: “Why is this happening to me?” and “I wish this wasn’t happening.” This is especially true when the test or challenge is unexpected or particularly unpleasant.

Both responses are expressions of resistance. When you don’t like what’s happening you want to push away the unpleasantness, you don’t want to deal with it.

Have you noticed that when you react this way what tends to happen is that your discontent intensifies, gets worse, and can even become intolerable? “Please,” you ask (or pray). “Stop this! Take it away!”

I’m going to suggest that when life throws you a curveball you didn’t expect (or want), you take an entirely different approach. I call it the “three steps to acing life’s tests.” The steps are simple:

1. Accept
2. Grow
3. Serve

Let me explain.

The first step is to accept what is happening. Basically, there are two options when anything unpleasant or undesirable comes your way: (1) you can wish it wasn’t happening, or (2) you can accept it. This response, as I said above, is resistance, and when you resist something, the difficult or unpleasant feeling usually multiplies—you feel worse and worse.

Let me quickly say that to accept doesn’t mean to “like,” “love,” or “embrace” what’s going on—it just means to “accept.” The dictionary defines “accept” as “to take or receive what is offered.” True, your first response to an unwanted event might be intensely negative. But once you register that, what do you do? You’re at a fork in the road. Which path do you take? Do you resist, or do you accept? If you choose to accept you simply receive what’s offered.

Once you accept, rather than resist, a whole new possibility opens up. This is the second step: you can grow. Instead of asking “Why is this happening to me?” when you take the second step you ask yourself, “How can I grow from this?”

Everything that happens in life is an opportunity for you to grow—to learn, to enlarge your field of experience and knowledge. Notice, I’m not suggesting you ask yourself, “What am I supposed to learn?” “Supposed to” suggests that what is happening has some hidden meaning. It also implies a “must do.” Neither is the case. Once you choose to accept, then you can choose to grow. The choice is up to you.

Late one night, years ago, I was crossing the street in New York City when I was struck down by a speeding taxi cab. After I flew up in the air, smashed the windshield of the cab, and then somersaulted over the car, I landed in the middle of Broadway on my back, in severe pain. The first thought that came to my mind was “This just happened.” No amount of replaying what I should have done or what could have happened would change the reality. I was hit by two tons of steel ramming into my body and I was critically injured. Once I accepted this horrific event, and throughout the long period of rehabilitation of my body, mind, and spirit, I considered “How can I grow from this?” The answer came in stages: “To get myself healthy, so I can help other people to be healthy.” I had many months to consider what happened, why it happened, and what I learned from this terribly traumatic event, and all of that led to the third step: How does my growth lead the way to how I can serve the lives of others?

This third step, serve, may seem a bit surprising. It speaks to the ultimate reason we are all on this planet: to contribute to the lives of others, to each do our part in building the greater good.

I once heard a philosopher say, “We are built to be givers, not takers.” When you see your experiences in life as ongoing opportunities for you to grow, and that your growth means you can make a greater contribution to serving others, you will more readily accept what life offers. Acing life’s tests doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. Rather, it means you accept your humanity and all of the ups and downs, the wanted and unwanted experiences life brings, with equanimity, and even gratitude. We can all grow stronger, together.