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I am writing in December 2019 and my youngest child will graduate from high school next June, just six short months from now. I know that every parent whose child grows up and moves away has gone through the empty nest phase of life, but honestly, it is all new to me. And let me tell you, it is very different from when my other two sons left and there was still “some son” at home. Already I am aware that this is a tender time of life and kindness to myself is going to be critical. With this in mind, I am preparing for the shift in emotional and concrete ways.
This is what is alive in me now that seems to be helpful.
Emotional Preparation
Drawing on my knowledge of psychology and from my own readings of spiritual practices, I have decided to focus on the following three things as I deal with the emotion of letting go of this phase of my life as a mother.
- Shifting from sadness to gratitude. As the holidays come around the corner, I find myself noticing that this might be the last year of putting up the tree with a child’s help or sharing the writing of the Holiday cards. Instead of feeling sad, I am feeling grateful for the many years I have had accompaniment from my boys and the strong (and kind) young men they are now. I am finding truth in the research showing that a grateful disposition is highly correlated with vitality, hope and satisfaction with life (McCullough et al., 2002).
- Feel into a new way to succeed. When I was younger, success meant financial stability and prospects. Get an education. Get a new job. Get the house, furniture and “good” neighborhood. But now I think success has to do with having strong and loving relationships, community, and purpose. Success is not about having excess money. I recognize now that success is being able to live in integrity with the truth that is in me and with a loving attitude towards those who cross my path. Success is not out there, it's in me. Or, as Pablo Picasso says, “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.”
- Feel sad sometimes. As powerful as gratitude can be, there are times I just need to be sad that a phase of life is going to pass away soon. I love my sons and am grateful they are finding their lives beyond the frame of my house. I want them to flourish. And, at the same time, I miss two already and will certainly miss the third next year. I miss them because I love them and that too is a gift.
Concrete Preparation
After listening to too many youtube videos on people who empty nest, I have come to the conclusion that this is a time to seize the day and make some concrete changes happen.
- Remembering I have enough (aka, boycott buying stuff). I have been walking around with the motto “I have enough” as I am doing all my holiday shopping this year because honestly, it is time to downsize, not upsize. The days of accumulation are over and the days of letting go of stuff are upon me. There is a sense of freedom in this process of not needing more and in giving away stuff that no longer serves the person I want to be.
- Less stuff = less to move. The biggest concrete shift to come will be moving out of the house, in which I have lived for the past 19 years, to a new place. And yeah, I am not sure where that will be yet! But I am preparing anyway. This means actively reducing by giving away, selling and sorting. I am reading tons of good books on this for motivation (e.g., The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up (Kondo, 2014) and Soulful Simplicity (Carver, 2017)).
- Plan to visit. My last concrete preparation idea at this time is putting money aside to take trips with my sons at least once a year when we can laugh, have fun, and do something different. I have found that having days together to explore the world is good for our souls.
I am sure there is more to come, but perhaps this will be helpful to others going through this stage of life with me and I welcome your ideas as well.
References
Carver, C. (2017). Soulful Simplicity. New York: Penguin Random House.
Kondo, M. (2014). The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. New York: Ten Speed Press.
McCullough, M. E., Emmons, R. A., & Tang, J. (2002). The grateful disposition: A conceptual and empirical topography. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82, 112-127.
