After the Break-Up: What if He Wants You Back?

After the break-up, what if your former beloved wants you back? This can be tempting, especially if you are still emotionally invested. But is reconciliation really in your best interests? Dare you risk repeating past mistakes or falling into familiar dysfunctional patterns again? Have you grown beyond what this relationship can possibly offer you?

Related to the blog post “Coping with Distress and Agony After a Break-up,” a dear reader inquires:

What if your ex keeps contacting you? I need some advice: it has been almost a year since we have separated. Just recently, he married his new girlfriend. He keeps on saying he loves me still. And it makes me angry. I keep on saying "If you love me why did you leave us and marry your girlfriend?" and he no longer has an answer. I tried so hard to save the relationship but he threw me so many times until I finally gave up. We have a one-year-old baby and a toddler, who I don't show to him for fear of hurting their feelings as well. I have plans to tell my kids the truth but it is not yet the time. Though it is really hard in all aspects, I even refrain from asking any help, even financial, for the desire to live a new life without him. But it was him who contacted me again. Please enlighten me.

Response: Dear Enlighten,

Based on what you've described, several ideas come to mind. See if any resonate for you.

1. Your most pressing question appears to be "why is he continuing to contact me?" As you already know far too well, he is extremely talented at avoiding commitment and emotional intimacy. Perhaps now that he's married, he can’t handle the commitment and intimacy a good marriage requires. To soothe himself, he is seeking an outside relationship.

2. Because you tried so hard in the past to make this relationship work, he probably assumes that he can convince you to give it another shot, all the while knowing that you'll put up with his old patterns of infidelity and neglect.

3. Or perhaps he’d like to take advantage of you again, to feed his ego and sense of power. He tells you he loves you so that he can manipulate you into falling under his spell. But you’ve been there, done that, and now you’re too smart to fall for him. You know you deserve better.

4. Have you considered cutting off all contact? Wanting a new life without him, you owe him the courtesy of not stringing him along, appeasing him, or making him think there’s hope. He needs to know for sure that you are absolutely uninterested and unavailable. He might not get the message until you refuse to communicate any further.

5. When he says he "loves" you, what does that really mean? If he truly loved you, he would want what is best for you. And what's best for you is to be involved with a man who is NOT married to another woman. What's best for you is to be with a man who would not reject you. What's best for you is to be with a man who is capable of having a consistently kind, loving, caring, and intimate relationship. What's best for you is to be with a man who is capable of being a father to your children.

6. If he truly loved you, he would not emotionally or sexually harass you. He would not burden you by putting you in the position of refusing the advances of a married man.

7. If you are tempted to give in, consider too what is best for him. Your moving on and setting firm boundaries could be the best thing that ever happened to him, as it gives him the opportunity to grow and either turn to his new wife or seek a better match.

8. You are wise to resist this man's advances and manipulation. Though you say breaking up has been "hard in all aspects," you likely realize it would be even harder if he were in the picture. You are smart to dodge that bullet.

9. The time to tell your children about their father will be when they start asking about him. The most important aspect of telling them "the truth" is to reassure them that his abandonment is not a reflection on them, their value, what they deserve, or how lovable they are. You might say something like, "Some fathers don't know how to give love and attention to their children, and that's a problem your father has. There's nothing anyone can do about it, it's nobody's fault, that's just the way he is. What's important is that you have lots of people who love you, like me and ....and ... and..... You are so lovable and so very special. It's his loss." As long as your children feel loved and secure with you and the other adults in their lives, they'll be spared the chaos or confusing messages he would bring. If they want to approach him when they are older, this will be their choice.

11. Here is a link for inspiration... an audio clip from an Abraham-Hicks workshop. It features a young mother struggling to accept that the father of her child is unwilling to be a part of the family unit she so eagerly wishes for. In a mere 13 minutes, an awe-inspiring transformation occurs in her thinking, her self-confidence, and her hope for the future.

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What Does Money Mean to Your Relationship?

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12. If you’re interested in more support around accepting “what is” and moving forward with the lessons you’ve learned and blessings you’ve acquired, I highly recommend Byron Katie’s website, where you can do the meditative inquiry she calls "The Work."

This may be more than you asked for, but perhaps it inspires enlightenment. You already have the courage, strength, and ability to move forward in ways that are more in alignment with your best interests.