The Heartbreak of Dissociative Identity Disorder

It’s been just over a year since I publicly came forward with my lived experience of dissociative identity disorder (DID), what used to be referred to as multiple personality disorder, which now (if we could only get the entire mental health profession on board with) would be more appropriately referred to as dissociative identities—leaving out the disorder. Few have come to appreciate the brilliance behind this remarkable coping strategy and yet instead remain fascinated with the “disorder.”

There is a lot of heartbreak in living and coming to terms with DID. I was reminded of that today when meeting with a friend who is also a colleague, after having a discussion of how hurt they felt by the abrupt disappearance of a PART and their friendship. While Dr. Fletcher has continued to coordinate care and our collegial relationship is solid, our personal relationship was ruptured when a protector PART distanced the other PARTS from contact with them after feeling the need to protect me and the other PARTS of my dissociative system from further hurt and disappointment due to the persons’ lack of understanding of DID.

People, including therapists treating DID, forget that while you think you are visually looking at, treating, interacting, and relating with as ONE person they are forgetting that people living with DID are more than one. They are PLURAL and I know this because I am plural—and I prefer the term MULTIPLE. I sometimes wish the condition was still referred to as multiple personalities for the mere fact (and only speaking for my system) that "personalities" is in fact what my experience of living with DID feels like. Singletons (people living without dissociative identities) often refer to different parts of themselves and that language is used all too often, as are therapeutic terms such as “parts work” which stems from an Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy.

However, this leaves providers in the mental health field (and one could argue the general public too) confused as to what are PARTS exactly. As a result, people like myself are not being properly attuned to and providers are flat out missing the diagnosis. While I am not a fan of diagnostic labels, we do need providers to understand the criteria but we need to not arrive at this label with not just the diagnostic manual of mental disorders but by listening to others with lived experience. Dr. Jamie Marich’s new book publishing in January of 2023 entitled Dissociation Made Simple: A Stigma Free Guide to Embracing Your Dissociative Mind and Navigating Daily Life, captures the reality of others' experiences like what I am describing above. It’s both comforting and disturbing to know I am not alone—comforting to know there is community, disturbing that so many of us have been misunderstood for so long.

I get that it sounds unusual to refer to another human as multiple or plural, but I and others have suffered a great deal of consequences as a result of living with DID. I personally have experienced nightmares, panic attacks, finding myself places I have no memory getting to, finding clothes or items in my home I don’t remember buying, people recognizing me but me not recognizing them—I literally just had that experience at the nail salon last week—and the list goes on and on. I don’t mind switching. It is literally how I have managed my entire life. Each PART serves a purpose, each PART contributes to managing my life. It saved my life. It’s not scary anymore; I love my PARTS. For me, though, the most distressing, the most heartbreaking, and the most devasting component has been the struggle to remain in relation with people I/we love and having to take accountabilities for all PARTS of my DID system in hurting someone’s feelings while another PART of me wasn’t present for it.

While most of the world doesn’t understand, my husband does. He has talked to other PARTS of me, knows their names, ages, genders, characteristics, likes, dislikes, who is friends with who, which PARTs like which foods and physical activities. But the reality is the majority of my own friends do not, and I myself would have never come to know my own DID system as well as I have without my husband’s patience, love, understanding, and gathering of “data” on my alters/PARTS. So why is it that my friends don’t? Because the majority of people in my life know and love Dr. Fletcher, who they also refer to as Adrian, but what so few in my world truly get is that behind Adrian and behind Dr. Fletcher is an entire system of other PARTS that I have come to know and love. Some of them I am still getting to know.

I have come to respect switching into another PART as that is literally what needed to happen for me to survive being a victim of familial child sex trafficking by my own father. When he passed, I left a dozen red roses at his gravesite with a ribbon that said "I love you father." I did not know about my abuse at the time. Thank you dissociative amnesia and dissociated and fragmented PARTS for saving me from that reality. While every human has the capability to dissociate, those of us who live with dissociative identity disorder manage life by switching, which can heartbreaking, exhausting, and painful for us, and others. I have found that people are interested in the disorder versus what occurred in the first place, which for me was familial child sex trafficking. A hard reality for people to understand.

I have stepped forward to educate, to help others feel less alone, and to help therapists and treatment providers through consultation. While I have finally come to appreciate the beginning of walking in my true purpose, I know that I am not just here to serve the field of mental health.

Source: Adrian Fletcher

Living life as a multiple/plural is challenging at times and being in relationships is complex. I am used to feeling misunderstood and it hurts even more so when you see someone you love so sad over something that is almost a regular occurrence for someone living with DID. I have both empathy for the person impacted and for the PARTS. For someone who spent years hiding, even from my own self, I had hoped that by coming forward, those closest to me would understand most of all. Then I remembered all the people I have started to get to know with DID who report similar experiences and I felt an overwhelming amount of gratitude for the community I am getting to know. I have chosen simply to just accept that I/we are different and that is what makes me me and me is we. What I/we say about how I/we feel on being multiple: confusing, empowering, lonely, and comforting.

If you have the honor to connect with another person living with dissociative identity disorder/dissociative identities, please just remember we are not one but many.

The information shared in this blog is not a substitute for therapy or any other form of professional mental health or medical care. It also does not constitute a doctor/patient relationship with Dr. Fletcher. The information provided is for educational and informational purposes only. If you are experiencing a crisis or need help, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.