Honoring Grief and Coping With Loss

Celebration of Life Flowers

Source: Adrian Fletcher

In the 18 years that I have worked in mental health, grief seems to be an often misunderstood and underrepresented emotion. It is an emotion that many do not take the time to process, nor are they encouraged to do so.

The average leave time for bereavement in the United States is one to three days. When I think about this, I think about the subtle message that can be implied: “You have one to three days to attend to your family, arrange services, bottle up those emotions, and get your children situated, and we will see you back here at work on Monday morning.” This doesn’t take into consideration the heavy feelings that grief can bring about and its impact upon a human being's functioning. I came across an image of a human sculpture filled with rocks that was used to capture what grief feels like in art form. If we are carrying around boulders of rocks within, we probably are not in a place to even think about all of the responsibilities we have in a given day during the grieving process.

I believe grief in our culture is not talked about as often as it could be, leaving us to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and trudge on during what is for most of us a profoundly life-changing experience. Speaking from experience as having two deceased parents and no living grandparents, I can say with certainty that losing my parents was two of the biggest life-changing situations for me and for different reasons. Every year as my birthday approaches, I am reminded that I am parentless, and even though I know as a psychologist that from an attachment theory perspective we are hard-wired to long for connection with our primary caregivers, it doesn’t make the reality of being parentless any less painful. I never really understood the impact these profound losses had on my life until exploring each of them in therapy.

Many Reasons We Experience Grief

It’s important to note too that grief is not just experienced after the physical death of someone. Grief can be experienced for many reasons such as growing older and experiencing changes in friend/peer groups; relocating and having to say goodbye to friends, family, or coworkers; the loss of a beloved pet; a change in your identity; divorce or separation; the loss of a job or home; a change of school; changing career paths; or loss due to a tragedy or natural disaster. Grief is experienced because of loss even when some of those losses are the result of a personal choice such as in the case of quitting a job to obtain a new one.

Therefore, it is important to make time to slow down and allow yourself time to process through the emotions, acknowledge your pain, and grant yourself time and permission to feel your feelings and adjust to life post-loss.

Grief With Dissociative Identity Disorder

If you are a person like me who is living with dissociative identities, processing through a multitude of experiences with your parts and their experiences of grief can be overwhelming, so please be kind to yourself as you navigate grief as a dissociative identity disorder (DID) system.

Experiences of grief can also mimic symptoms of depression, which include but are not limited to fatigue, crying spells, loss of interest in activities, difficulties with focus and concentration, restlessness, increased or decreased appetite, and disrupted sleep.

Processing through grief may encompass going through five stages of grief as defined by Kubler-Ross (1969): denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The journey through grief is very individualized, and people can fluctuate in and out of these stages before arriving at a place of acceptance.

Many people place pressure on themselves to “get over” the loss, and doing that tends to keep people in their grief much longer than granting themselves loving permission to have all the feelings they have about the loss or situation. Even after reaching a place of acceptance, you are still human and will likely experience appropriate sadness or grief on anniversary dates, holidays, personal milestone events, and just because you may be missing that person, place, or thing at any given time for no particular reason.

Be gentle with yourself as you grieve changes in your life.

Tips for Coping With Loss

1. Practice breathing exercises.
2. Obtain support through a support group, counseling group, or individual therapy.
3. Ask for help from your friends, family, or community organization with things such as childcare, house chores, and meal planning.
4. Renegotiate your priorities by only attending to things that need immediate attention—taking as much off your plate in the beginning of coping with a loss can help alleviate unnecessary distress.
5. Cry and let yourself feel all the feelings without judgment of yourself and without judgment of the feelings. There can be a wide range of feelings, including guilt, anger, sadness, and relief, and all of them are valid.
6. Journal or express yourself through writing.
7. Coloring, painting, crafting, or any other form of art can be great way to emotionally process and feel what you might not otherwise have the words for.
8. You can honor your loss in some way that feels aligned with your beliefs and values such as to plant a tree, name a star, make a collage, or dedicate a special day and time to honor yourself, the loss, or the deceased person.
9. Talk to a health care provider and let them know how you are feeling so they can make appropriate recommendations such as nutrition support, medication, a support group, or a class, or obtain referrals to support you, a loved one, or a friend. Seek emergency services if you are having thoughts of harming yourself.
10. Give yourself time to grieve.

Breathe deeply and know that you are not alone. Take care of yourself and your grieving heart. The grieving heart in me honors the grieving heart in you. Be kind to yourself. Loss is hard.

The information shared in this blog is not a substitute for therapy or any other form of professional mental health or medical care. It also does not constitute a doctor/patient relationship with Dr. Fletcher. The information provided is for educational and informational purposes only. If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.