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Key points
- Childhood abuse disrupts the fundamental trust and security needed for healthy emotional development.
- Those raised in abusive or invalidating environments may struggle to develop self-esteem and self-worth.
- Low self-esteem and high levels of self-blame can cause survivors to worry that others are upset with them.
"Are you mad at me?" I asked my friend the other day, to which she looked at me quizzically before responding, "Why would I be mad at you?"
I couldn't answer that. I assumed things had changed over the past couple of days. But why? She hadn't responded back as quickly? Maybe. She didn't like as many of my posts? That seemed petty and childish. There was a lack of excitement in her voice when she saw me? I couldn't think of an acceptable answer. It was just a feeling I had.
This feeling is nothing new for me. In fact, I often joke with my friends that I don't consider you a friend until I've asked you if you are mad at me at least two or three times.
But joking aside, this is actually a common phenomenon for survivors of childhood trauma, especially those of us who grew up in narcissistic and abusive households where we—and our feelings—were invalidated, ignored, or dismissed.
Being invalidated in the developmental years causes children to internalize their experiences, believing they are to blame for their abuse and trauma. When children express their feelings or recount experiences of abuse or trauma and are met with dismissal, ridicule, or minimization, they begin to internalize these messages. Over time, they may come to believe that their feelings are not valid, that their perceptions are misguided, and, most damaging of all, that they themselves are to blame for the negative experiences they endure. This can lead to chronic feelings of self-blame and self-doubt, low self-esteem, and struggles with communication. Not surprisingly, this can lead to struggles maintaining interpersonal relationships — and always being worried that others are upset with you adds to that.
Childhood is a formative period when our emotional foundations are laid. Ideally, this time is marked by love, support, and validation. However, for those raised in environments characterized by abusive and narcissistic parenting, these experiences may have been few and far between, if they happened at all. Abusive and narcissistic parents often dismiss their children’s feelings and experiences, leading to negative impacts on their self-esteem. One common manifestation of this trauma is an overwhelming anxiety that others are angry with them. In childhood, worrying that your caregivers were perhaps upset with you was an essential tool: Being able to anticipate and, thus, navigate or escape their wrath was an essential skill. However, in adulthood, that overdeveloped "skill" no longer serves you, instead creating unnecessary hypervigilance and worry.
Abusive parents, who often prioritize their own needs and emotions over those of their children, can create an environment in which children feel as though their feelings are not valid. Statements like “You’re too sensitive"; "That never happened”; or “Stop making a big deal out of nothing" undermine a child’s emotional responses, instilling a sense of confusion about their own feelings. This invalidation can lead to internalized beliefs that one’s emotions are wrong or unworthy. As these children grow into adults, they may carry this sense of emotional illegitimacy into their relationships, constantly doubting themselves and fearing the disapproval of others.
Individuals raised in invalidating environments often develop heightened anxiety about interpersonal relationships. They may live in a perpetual state of worry, fearing that their actions will provoke anger or disappointment in others. This anxiety can manifest as a chronic need for reassurance, leading to behaviors such as overapologizing or second-guessing their interactions. We all know someone who constantly says "I'm sorry," perhaps followed by a slight giggle. Maybe you are that person? I know I can be sometimes. When we experienced emotional neglect, we may become hyper-vigilant, watching for signs of anger or displeasure in others.
Heightened Sensitivity to Others' Emotions
For individuals affected by childhood trauma, social situations can be stressful to navigate. Many of us interpret neutral or even positive expressions as signs of anger or dissatisfaction. This hypersensitivity often results in a self-fulfilling prophecy; by assuming others are upset, we may act defensively or withdraw, inadvertently causing further stress or conflict.
Common thoughts in these situations include “Did I say something wrong?” or “They must be mad at me.” These internal dialogues can create significant distress, making it challenging to engage authentically with others. A constant need to read emotional cues can lead to exhaustion and isolation, as the individual feels disconnected from peers.
The effects of this anxiety can be particularly damaging to personal relationships. Friends and romantic partners may feel bewildered by someone's constant need for reassurance or the tendency to misinterpret their emotions. This can create a cycle of emotional pain, in which we continue to seek validation that was never provided in our formative years.
What Can We Do?
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. Therapy can provide a safe space to unpack these feelings and challenge negative thought patterns that reinforce this cycle. But therapy is not mandatory for healing; many survivors find support and healing through practices such as mindfulness and self-compassion, journaling, and reading about their history like you are doing now.
