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Key points
- Many survivors of family trauma and violence find that their caregivers and others deny their history.
- Many of these denials appear in the form of dismissive or even victim-blaming messages.
- Despite these victim-blaming messages, victims of abuse and neglect are never to blame for their experiences.
Clay grew up in a chaotic home environment where psychological abuse and emotional neglect were prevalent. When he was 16, his mother moved out of state, leaving Clay to fend for himself. With nowhere to turn to for support, he sought comfort in a new relationship with a much older man, hoping to fill the emotional void.
Clay experienced victim blaming from society and extended family in several ways after his mother left. Many adults suggested that his mother’s abandonment was a result of Clay’s "rebellious" behavior during his teenage years, implying that if Clay had been more compliant or easier to manage, his mother would have stayed. Extended family members would often comment that Clay needed to "act more like a responsible adult" to keep his family intact, placing the burden of abandonment squarely on his shoulders. This narrative reinforced Clay’s feelings of shame and inadequacy, further complicating his emotional healing and trust in relationships.
Victims of abuse and neglect are often subjected to blame in various ways, both overt and subtle, by society, individuals, and sometimes even by themselves. Some common ways victims are blamed for their experiences include the following:
1. Blaming the child. This occurs when individuals or society attribute the abuse to the behavior or actions of the victim—for example, suggesting that a child was "asking for it" or "provoking" the abuse through their clothing, behavior, or demeanor. Cultural or religious beliefs may perpetuate victim-blaming attitudes by emphasizing obedience, submission, or forgiveness, even in the face of abuse. This can pressure victims into accepting blame and maintaining silence about their experiences.
This can also happen when children who are mistreated grow up to become adults and are suddenly assigned equal blame to the parent who abused them. Phrases from external family members such as "they never did get along," blame the victim—who was a child—for being mistreated.
It took Clay many years to acknowledge his mother’s departure as abandonment. Friends and family referred to it as “Clay and his mother don’t talk,” or "They don't get along," reinforcing the self-blame he cast upon himself.
2. Minimization of abuse. Downplaying the severity of the abuse or neglect can shift blame onto the victim. Phrases like "It wasn't that bad" or "Others have it worse" diminish the victim's experiences and invalidate their pain, making them feel guilty for feeling traumatized. When experiences are minimized, or even denied outright, it can gaslight victims, making them doubt the validity of their own feelings and memories.
Because of his age, Clay often experienced denial and gaslighting from friends and extended family who didn’t understand the dynamics of the situation and continued to refer to the situation as him and his mother “not getting along.” It was as if two peers simply had a falling out, rather than a parent abandoning her child. This lack of referring to what happened as abandonment fueled the confusion and pain he carried with him for decades, and crept up often as he tried to heal and live his life.
3. Stigmatization and stereotyping. Victims may face stigma and prejudice due to societal misconceptions about abuse and neglect. For instance, labeling victims as "troubled" or "damaged goods" can reinforce negative stereotypes and further isolate survivors, exacerbating their feelings of shame and self-blame. When victims do not receive adequate support from family, friends, or institutions, they may internalize the belief that they are somehow responsible for their own suffering. The absence of validation and empathy can reinforce feelings of guilt and self-blame.
This experience shaped Clay’s understanding of relationships and contributed to his ongoing struggles with self-worth and trust. In therapy, he is working to unpack these layers of trauma, aiming to develop healthier relationships moving forward.
Sometimes, victims are blamed for not being able to protect themselves or escape the abusive situation. This overlooks the power dynamics and complexities involved in abusive relationships, placing undue responsibility on the victim for their own victimization. This can happen when children come forward about abuse and are dismissed or shamed, or even punished. It can also happen when adults disclose their experiences of childhood maltreatment and are met with statements from other caregivers such as "Well, I didn't know," or suggestions to move on.
Blaming victims of childhood abuse and neglect perpetuates a harmful cycle of shame and self-blame, compounding the trauma they've already endured. When society or individuals assign fault to those who have suffered at the hands of abuse or neglect, it not only invalidates their experiences but also undermines their journey toward healing. Victims are burdened with a heavy weight of guilt, as if they somehow deserved or invited the abuse upon themselves. This toxic narrative further entrenches feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy, making it incredibly challenging for survivors to confront their past and seek the support they desperately need.
Ultimately, blaming victims shifts the focus away from the true perpetrators of abuse and neglect, allowing them to evade accountability for their actions. Instead of holding abusers responsible for their behavior, society may inadvertently absolve them of guilt by shifting the blame onto the victims. This not only enables continued cycles of abuse but also reinforces power dynamics that perpetuate systemic injustices. It's imperative to recognize that victims of childhood abuse and neglect are not to blame for the harm inflicted upon them; rather, the responsibility lies squarely with the perpetrators and the systems that fail to protect the vulnerable. Even if all members of the family are now adults, this does not change the power dynamics and the abuse that took place when these power dynamics were most at play. Only by acknowledging this truth can we begin to break the cycle of victim blaming.
