When It’s Abandonment, Not Estrangement

There is a lot of talk right now about estrangement, particularly as it relates to parent-child dynamics within families. More and more people are coming forward about their family history that led to cutting off toxic or abusive family members.

Recently, there has been some pushback from those parents who were cut off, claiming that what happened to them was unfair and unwarranted. There is a lot of excusing of their behaviors, and society is quick to judge the adult child: "Well, they must have done something... there are two sides to every story."

I myself hear these victim-blaming statements when extended friends and family discuss my father's abandonment of me. Hearing others refer to it as us being estranged always felt wrong to me somehow, yet I did not have the ability to articulate why. The word "estranged" did not feel right, as I was not the one who cut off the relationship. I have many clients, friends, and colleagues whom I would describe as estranged from a parent, as they had made the decision to cut contact with someone who was harmful or abusive. This description made sense to me. But for years, I had yet to meet another person who had been cut off by a parent.

Then, I spent several years working with teenagers and young adults in an alternative school. Many of these kids came from traumatic families and had personal struggles as well as legal troubles. Many used substances to cope, engaged in unhealthy relationships (both platonic and sexual), and struggled to self-regulate due to unrecognized and untreated mental health symptoms. Many had parents who had thrown their hands up. "I can't handle him anymore; I'm done," mother after mother would shout in my office. "Look at how she is treating me," parents would gripe during family sessions. All of these moments left me scratching my head, thinking, "Huh? You're the parent. You're not the victim here." But still, many parents saw themselves as being on the receiving end of their kids' behaviors.

Many kids were eventually kicked out or left on their own. "She's 18; she's not my responsibility," one mother said, throwing her hands up. Parent after parent just gave up in similar ways. The kids were abandoned.

I saw myself in many of them.

My experience resonates with many individuals who have faced parental abandonment yet struggle to find the right terminology to describe their situation. It's common for victim-blaming statements and misconceptions to arise when discussing abandonment, often leading to feelings of invalidation and confusion. The distinction between abandonment and estrangement is crucial, as it reflects the power dynamics and responsibility within the parent-child relationship.

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If a parent chooses to cut off their child, no matter the age of the child, this is abandonment.

It is important to understand that while estrangement is often used to describe individuals being cut off from each other, estrangement can only work one way in parent-child relationships: a child choosing to cut off a parent. The parent cannot become estranged from someone with less power than them. When one person has the responsibility to care for and support the other, this is abandonment.

It is for this reason that survivors of parental abandonment often struggle with feelings of isolation and self-blame—because there is such limited understanding of this experience that the term "parental abandonment" has only recently even been used.

A father who abandons his son is indeed not experiencing estrangement but rather perpetrating abandonment. In contrast, if the son chooses to cut off contact with his abusive father due to the harmful behavior, it constitutes estrangement. The distinction lies in the power dynamics and responsibility within the parent-child relationship. Abandonment involves the unilateral act of desertion by the parent, resulting in the child being left without necessary care or support. In contrast, the son's decision to cut off contact with his abusive father is considered estrangement, as it reflects a deliberate choice to create distance from a harmful relationship rather than an act of abandonment.

Abandonment arises when a parent neglects their duty to care for their child, regardless of the child's age or circumstances.

Estrangement in parent-child relationships typically involves a child choosing to cut off contact or establish distance from a parent. In this dynamic, the power dynamic often places the parent in a position of authority and influence. However, if a parent chooses to sever ties with their child, regardless of the child's age, it constitutes abandonment rather than estrangement. The imbalance of power and responsibility underscores the gravity of parental abandonment and its profound impact on the child's emotional well-being and sense of security.

Due to a lack of understanding of this form of abandonment, many survivors feel isolated.

Many individuals who have experienced parental abandonment may feel a sense of isolation in their experiences, especially when surrounded by those who do not fully understand or acknowledge the impact of abandonment. It's essential to validate your feelings and experiences, recognizing that abandonment is a traumatic event that can have profound and lasting effects on an individual's well-being. Seeking support from understanding friends, colleagues, or professionals who can empathize with your experiences can be invaluable in navigating the challenges of parental abandonment and finding healing. By sharing your story and advocating for accurate language and understanding, you can help raise awareness and support others who may be facing similar struggles.