5 Ways to Support Someone With a Mentally Ill Parent

Growing up, Doreen witnessed her mother's struggles with bipolar disorder, which often manifested in erratic behavior and mood swings. As a child, she did not yet know that this behavior was abnormal, or even that it was a sign of mental illness. Her father refused to talk about Mom's behavior, pretending it did not happen after each episode ended.

As she entered adolescence, she longed for understanding and support from her peers. Doreen found herself constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing what to expect from one day to the next. However, whenever she tried to open up about her home life, she was met with blank stares or uncomfortable silences. Friends would brush off her concerns with well-intentioned but dismissive comments like "Just ignore it" or "She'll be fine." Feeling isolated and misunderstood, Doreen withdrew into herself, struggling to find solace in a world that seemed oblivious to her pain.

Despite her outward appearance of strength and resilience, Doreen carried a heavy burden of guilt and shame. She yearned for someone to validate her experiences, to acknowledge the turmoil brewing beneath the surface. Yet, time and again, she felt unseen and unheard, forced to mask her emotions behind a facade of normalcy.

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Growing up with a parent who struggles with mental illness can profoundly impact a child's life, shaping their relationships, emotions, and sense of self. As a therapist who supports survivors, as well as a survivor myself, I know firsthand how isolating it can feel.

With these tips, you can help them feel seen, heard, and supported as they navigate the challenges of having a mentally ill parent.

1. Do not ask them to explain the parents' behavior. Someone whose parent is mentally ill likely knows this. Sharing anecdotes about things that they said to you, behaviors you noticed, or asking probing questions about their parent's actions can be triggering, potentially causing stress or discomfort. Refrain from inquiries like "Why did they do/say that?" or from recounting stories about their parent's inappropriate behavior in their absence, as these can be difficult for them to hear or rationalize.

When Doreen got together with childhood friends in adulthood, the conversation would inevitably turn to conversations about her mother's erratic and bizarre behavior, sharing stories of delusional things her mother would say around them or erratic behaviors they saw her display. "To them, it was funny. Then they would go home at the end of the visit and go on with their lives," Doreen would say in session. "To me, it triggers my whole day to be reminded of this behavior that traumatized me in childhood."

2. Try not to tell them all will be OK or try to excuse it away. When Doreen's friends would tell her "She'll be fine, just ignore it," she felt dismissed and misunderstood. While well intended, assuring someone that "Everything will be OK" can inadvertently invalidate their feelings because, in reality, we do not know this to be true. It's more supportive to acknowledge the uncertainty of their situation and offer reassurance that they're not alone in facing it. This validates their emotions and fosters a sense of solidarity, allowing them to feel understood and supported without minimizing the challenges they're experiencing. If needed, it helps to educate yourself about mental illness and its effects on families.

3. Be willing to listen without judgment. Supporting a loved one with a mentally ill parent can be a long and challenging journey, and it's essential to be patient and understanding along the way. While it can be triggering for someone else to bring up their parent's behavior, sometimes a survivor might want to talk about their experiences. Try to listen without judgment and encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings openly. This will help in creating a safe space for expression without fear of criticism or dismissal. Acknowledge the impact that their parent's mental illness has had on their life and validate their emotions, whether it be sadness, anger, or confusion.

For some, venting about their experiences is a way to process and release pent-up emotions. By listening attentively and empathetically, you validate their feelings and reassure them that it's OK to experience a range of emotions, even if they seem irrational or repetitive. This validation can provide a sense of relief and validation, helping them feel understood and supported. Empathy is key in supporting someone with a mentally ill parent. Put yourself in their shoes and strive to understand their perspective.

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4. Try not to make logical sense of their situation. Recognize that their feelings may fluctuate between love, frustration, guilt, and resentment, and offer your unwavering support throughout these emotional ups and downs. I used to have a friend to whom I felt like I had to prove my experiences, since he apparently had no concept of having a mentally ill family member. Having to describe, in detail, the experiences I had with this parent used to make me feel retraumatized trying to explain to him why some weeks I just did not have the mental capacity to engage in social activities after dealing with a particularly stressful weekend. He would ask endless questions, making me have to relive the difficult emotions I was trying to escape from in an attempt to "prove" that my experiences were "really that bad" and not just an excuse.

There will be times when they cannot explain their situation or experiences. Saying things such as "Well, that doesn't seem that bad," can feel hurtful and dismissive. Trust that they are doing the best they can with the tools they have: If they say that an experience was particularly traumatic or stressful, just believe them.

5. Encourage self-care and healthy boundaries. Living with a mentally ill parent can be emotionally draining, and it's essential for survivors to prioritize their well-being. Being supportive has its limits. Encourage them to engage in activities that bring them joy and relaxation, whether it be exercise, creative pursuits, or spending time with supportive friends and family members. Additionally, encourage them to seek professional help if necessary. Therapy can be a valuable resource for individuals navigating the challenges of having a mentally ill parent.