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Key points
- Disrespecting boundaries, talking behind someone's back, and making mean comments are signs of a toxic friend.
- Over time, maintaining a toxic friendship can take a toll on one's self-esteem and self-image.
- Depending on how bad the behaviors are, it might be time to get some distance from the person.
The word “toxic” is so overused today that it can be difficult to know what a truly toxic person is. Many people will call someone toxic just because they do not get along with the person, but this is an untrue—and even unfair—use of the word to describe a simple personality conflict.
A “toxic friend” is much more than just someone with whom you disagree occasionally. It is usually someone who brings elements of dysfunction and unhealthiness into the relationship dynamic or group. Toxic friendships generally happen when one person is being emotionally or psychologically taken advantage of or even harmed. A toxic friend will claim to be your friend, and maybe they really believe that they are, but they are simultaneously doing things that are harmful to the friendship and to you and your well-being.
Many, especially those who grew up with poor examples of interpersonal relationships, struggle to recognize when a friendship is bad for them. If you grew up with these behaviors being normalized, you might not realize they are unhealthy. Due to this, many survivors of childhood trauma end up displaying toxic behaviors themselves from time to time.
A toxic friend can end up doing more harm to you than good. Here are five ways to tell:
1. They are frequently ignoring your boundaries.
One way to tell if a friend is toxic is if they disrespect your boundaries. A boundary is that imaginary emotional and physical line that we put up between ourselves and others. All of us will have different boundaries based on our morals, beliefs, cultural and family backgrounds, and comfort levels.
It can be difficult to understand when someone is not respecting our boundaries, especially in a culture that is so focused on constant contact. Not answering the phone or waiting before replying to a text can be seen as disrespectful, rather than acknowledging that this person is putting up a boundary. However, if this behavior is addressed as a boundary, such as saying, “I can’t answer the phone after 8 p.m. because I am with my family,” and the friend ignores this by spam calling you when it is not an emergency, this is a boundary violation because it directly and purposefully goes against your wishes.
2. They are cruel or unkind.
Another sign of a toxic friend is someone who acts in cruel or menacing ways, such as making fun of your appearance or weight or making fun of your sexuality or family. A friend who makes racist, antisemitic, homophobic, or transphobic comments is often a toxic friend—especially if they know that these comments are hurtful, and they do them anyway.
3. They gossip about you.
Some other not-so-obvious signs that someone is a toxic friend is when they talk behind your back or say things “out of concern”—but really as a way to smear you or isolate you from others. An example of this is a friend who tells everyone personal things about you “out of concern,” when really this was done to gossip. Your personal business is not theirs to tell and should never be used against you. Getting friends together to stage an intervention for someone’s dangerous substance use is one thing; using this information to talk about them behind their back is toxic.
4. They make you feel exhausted.
Over time, maintaining a toxic friendship can take a toll on your self-esteem and self-image. If you are constantly trying to defend your boundaries or constantly being disrespected in other ways, this could cause you to feel bad about yourself, the friendship, and even about friendships in general. Many people who try to maintain a toxic friendship will engage in self-gaslighting behaviors, denial, and even intellectualizing things by making excuses. This might cause you to blame yourself for what is happening or to even become desensitized to how bad the behaviors are.
5. They take advantage of you—or others.
Someone who is taking advantage of others is not someone who has your best interests at heart—which is what a friend should have. Many people learn to take advantage of others as a form of survival, especially if they have a history of childhood trauma or adversity. However, if they are unable, or incapable, of the self-reflection required to be a better person, then they will continue this destructive and harmful behavior.
It is always important to try having a conversation with the person first. They might not realize how they come across and can use this opportunity for self-exploration and maybe self-healing. Not all people who engage in occasional unhealthy behaviors are toxic. However, there is a difference between someone who violates a boundary unintentionally versus someone who does it maliciously or because they just don’t care. The first step should always be to try to communicate with them, such as saying, “I would rather not talk about my relationship with my parents/co-parent/etc.” or “I prefer not to hug, but I am OK high-fiving!”
However, you should never feel like you have to put up with disrespect or other toxic behaviors. Those who try to maintain a toxic friendship will engage in self-gaslighting behaviors, denial, and even intellectualizing things by making excuses for their friend’s bad behavior. Depending on how bad their toxic behaviors are, it might be time to distance yourself from the person or even end the friendship.
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