How to Talk to Kids About Scary Things They See on the News

Kelly, a 12-year-old girl in sixth grade, was terrified when she learned about a school shooting that happened in the state over. She was consumed with fear, refusing to go to school, believing that this would happen to her or her friends. Her parents brought her to therapy to help her work through these feelings, and to work on healthy ways to have open discussions about what happened.

You can't turn on the news lately without being exposed to difficult topics or traumatic events. And for all of this information that adults are inundated with, the younger generations are not sheltered from it as many of us were in the past. What was once aired only on a daily news channel that younger people did not pay much attention to, now flashes across the phone screens of even the youngest users with a 24-hour news cycle on social media.

Keeping discussions open, while still age-appropriate, can help kids have open conversations.

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If you have children, especially if they are school-aged, there will be times that they will be involved with what is going on, and might have questions. Many people find that their kids hear about events before they do due to seeing it on social media.

Whether they are witnesses to violence, hear about it online, or see you upset, there will be times when they have questions or need to talk about what is going on.

Here are five suggestions for talking to children and adolescents

1. Keep all discussions and conversations age-appropriate: Ask them what they know about the event, allow them to ask questions, and do your best to answer their questions in an age-appropriate way. Often adults will tell children “Don’t worry about that,” or “It doesn’t matter," but this often makes them feel dismissed and can make them stressed and worried. Children respond to trauma very differently than adults, and they process more than we often think they do. Many children know that something bad happened, but are unable to understand or articulate it.

2. Reassure them they are safe, but be realistic. It’s imperative for them to know that they are safe, that what happened is not their fault, and that they are loved and cared for. But the fact is that we live in a scary time, and many kids are faced with unsafe situations in school, the playground, and elsewhere in their community. Promising them that they will never experience something scary, while almost instinctual, is not realistic. Kelly's parents might say something like, "We are doing everything we can to make sure you are safe all the time, but if something does happen and you feel scared or unsafe, here is the plan." Make sure they memorize your cell number and have the name and number of an emergency contact.

3. Be honest. If they notice that you are upset, do not deny this: Children know when adults are being evasive. It is very difficult to hide pain or feelings of sadness. Use this as a time to model healthy acknowledgment and expression of feelings. Kelly's mother might say, “Yes, mommy is sad today because of what happened. Did you want to talk about what you heard?" Children do not know what to do when their parents are upset, and will often direct the guilt or other negative feelings inward and blame themselves. Do not be afraid to say you do not know the answer. If Kelly asked, "Why did the bad person do that?" it is OK to say, "I don't know." Giving them a place to talk about what they see and experience will help them know what to do with these feelings instead of turning them elsewhere.

4. Do not involve them in discussions about money/finances or other issues that adults should worry about. Many parents ask if they should involve their kids in discussions about financial stressors, specifically due to the economy, or rising prices that cause stress on the family. Use caution, and remember to keep it age-appropriate. A teenager who asks to borrow the car can have a discussion about the rising cost of gas, and how to share the responsibility of keeping the tank full. But a small child in elementary school should not be bothered with their parents' stress of filling up the car in order to bring them to school. This will cause undue stress, as children do not know what to do with this information and often become scared or feel responsible.

5. Assist them with identifying feelings, and allow them to have these feelings without trying to change them. Do not tell them not to be sad, scared, or etc. It is common for events to be misunderstood or embellished, especially in social circles. Use this opportunity to correct the information, but it is important to support their feelings and worries.