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Healthy relationships are partnerships where couples work together to accomplish mutual goals and support each other when it comes to individual pursuits. Trust, the belief that your partner acts with your best interest in mind, lies at the heart of all successful relationships. Trust makes it possible for couples to live hopeful, expansive lives in which partners can pursue their dreams while feeling supported, cared for, and valued.
The problem with trust is that it can be hard to earn, yet so easily damaged. Trust is tested when a partner puts his or her own needs and desires ahead of what’s good for you or your relationship.
Because of the length and complexity of our romantic relationships, many people experience a betrayal at some point in time. It’s practically impossible for a partner to always live up to one’s expectations over the course of a long-term relationship. Considering that people struggle to live up to their own expectations, it’s not realistic to assume that a partner will never fall short of what’s expected. Even the best romantic partners are still human beings—individuals capable of exercising poor judgment and making mistakes from time to time.
When trust is broken it does real damage to a relationship and one’s sense of security. Depending on the severity of the betrayal, your relationship is probably no longer a source of support, love, and comfort, but rather a source of tension, uncertainty, and concern.
The key to rebuilding trust is learning how to discuss the issue in a way that prevents couples from falling into a pattern of confrontations and denials and instead allows partners to honestly discuss the issue and develop a plan to rebuild trust. To help couples work through an intimate betrayal my colleague and I developed a research-based approach to rebuilding trust.
STEP ONE: DISCUSS THE BETRAYAL
Describe exactly how your partner’s actions caused you harm. It helps to describe what your partner did to betray your trust and explain how you’re feeling in a way that creates empathy. For example, “I’m so hurt” versus “You hurt me.” If you can convey your feelings in a way that creates concern rather than defensiveness, your partner is more likely to accept responsibility for his or her actions.
STEP TWO: CLARIFY THE FACTS
If your partner takes responsibility for what happened, the events and facts surrounding the incident need to be discussed. You probably have a lot of questions that need to be answered. Until you find out exactly what did and did not happen, feelings of uncertainty may linger, making it more difficult to regain peace of mind. As painful as it might be, all of the relevant facts need to be brought out into the open.
STEP THREE: MAKE/ACCEPT SINCERE APOLOGIES
The partner at fault needs to offer a simple, sincere apology, which admits wrongdoing and conveys remorse (“I’m sorry. I hurt you and I regret it.”). Apologies are less effective when they come with excuses (“I’m sorry, but. . .”) or promises never to do it again.
STEP FOUR: EXPLAIN THE REASON FOR THE BETRAYAL
In order to resolve the problem, you must understand exactly why your partner betrayed your trust. Your partner is going to have to describe the circumstances that led him or her to betray you as well as the motivation underlying the behavior. This is the time for your partner to offer a detailed explanation of what happened. What exactly was your partner thinking and feeling when the betrayal occurred?
STEP FIVE: CREATE A PLAN
Once you and your partner understand why the betrayal occurred, couples need to develop a plan to prevent the betrayal from happening again. This plan should spell out how your partner will change his or her behavior to address the causes for the betrayal and take steps to prevent it from happening in the future. Perhaps your partner needs to avoid certain individuals and situations. Or deal with his or her feelings in more constructive ways. It helps to get this commitment in writing.
STEP SIX: STICK TO YOUR PLAN
In addition to creating a plan, both partners will need to develop strategies for making sure that commitments are being kept. The two of you should establish rules or practices that make it easy to monitor behavior. Transparency is critical when trying to rebuild trust.
STEP SEVEN: ASSESS YOUR PROGRESS
It helps to schedule specific times when you can discuss with your partner any progress that’s being made and modify the plan if necessary. Evaluate what’s working and what changes might need to be made. And if your partner is living up to his or her promises, it helps to acknowledge the effort being made.
STEP EIGHT: BE PATIENT
Simply put, rebuilding trust takes time and it’s up to you to determine if and when forgiveness occurs. It helps if your partner doesn’t pressure you. Forgiveness is your decision to make and it occurs when you no longer hold on to negative feelings. You don’t condone your partner’s past behavior but see him or her in a positive light again.
The true measure of a relationship is not determined by how happy couples are when things are going well, but by how couples work through the difficult aspects of intimacy, including an intimate betrayal. Genuine love involves trying to understand a partner’s perspective when you’ve been hurt, finding common ground when the situation looks bleak, and putting in the extra effort to rebuild trust with a partner who has let you down.
