Is Your Inner Critic Undermining Your Happiness?

Source: John Amodeo

Do you find yourself feeling anxious, restless, sad, or depressed sometimes? As Buddhist psychology teaches us, anguish in its various forms is an unavoidable part of life. Welcome to the human condition.

There’s a big difference, however, between the unavoidable sorrows of life and suffering that is self-generated. Renowned psychiatrist Victor Frankl, who survived a concentration camp, has written that the one freedom that can never be robbed from us is to choose our own attitude in any circumstance.

In other words, there’s what happens to us, and then there’s our attitude toward it. We slip and fall, we become ill, we make a poor financial decision, we say something dumb. This happens to everyone. It’s what we do next that makes the difference between creating more anguish or finding some inner peace.

The Arrow of Self-Criticism

There’s a popular Buddhist story about the two arrows. The first arrow is the difficult and painful stuff that life throws at us. The second arrow is the one we aim at ourselves.

Some misfortune befalls us, whether large or small, and then our mind takes hold of it and berates ourselves for it. “That was dumb. How could you have done that? How could you be so stupid? What’s wrong with you? You’re a failure. You’ll never be happy.” Sound familiar?

These nagging thoughts come from that part of us that has often been called our inner critic or inner judge—that harsh voice that is quick to judge, criticize, attack, and shame us for not being perfect. A telltale sign that we’re in the harsh grip of our inner critic is the sense of shame it generates—that painful sense of inner contraction related to feeling flawed or defective.

Recognize Your Inner Critic as a Part of You

It’s a big step forward in our growth to recognize when our inner critic is operating. Nothing can change unless we first become aware of this part of us and bring some measure of acceptance toward it. Richard Schwartz, who created Internal Family Systems (IFS), popularized the view that there are different parts of us operating. Viewing the inner critic as a part can give us some welcome distance from it so we're not merged with it.

There’s a common pitfall as we recognize the destructive nature of our inner critic, which is destined to perpetuate it: We become critical of ourselves or critical of our inner critic. We try to ignore it. We tell it to go away. But anything we try to push away has a way of coming back to bite us with an equal or greater force.

There’s a more effective strategy that’s beginning to catch on in the world of psychology: making room for our inner critic. Rather than making it the enemy, try an experiment and see if it works better. What if we recognize that our inner judge has our best interest at heart. I know this approach may be hard to swallow, and it's not easy to implement, but consider how this part of us got created.

Listening to Your Inner Critic

Our inner critic is a structure in our psyche that has its origins in how we were criticized and shamed growing up. When we received repeated messages from caregivers that we’re stupid, clumsy, too fat or skinny, unattractive, etc., we gradually internalized these whippings toward ourselves.

It may be true that some parents or caregivers have an inclination to vent their own frustrations or anger on their child. But consider another possible motive that is less visible. Parental criticism may be coming from a part of them that cares about you—that wants you to succeed in life.

Of course, their method of delivering this message often sucked. It probably came from their own fears about your future, or a shame-based concern that they might fail as a parent. But consider that there may be a positive intention behind the dysfunctional and hurtful ways they tried to express care.

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Now consider if your inner critic has the same motives. It wants you to succeed and be happy, although it’s mehod of conveying this is overkill and counterproductive. For instance, if a relationship failed and your inner critic berates you for a poor choice, it wants you to make better choices in the future. If you lost money in a poor investment, it wants you to feel secure and free of financial stress. If you became ill, it wants you to take better care of yourself in the future.

A path forward is to practice being more friendly toward your inner critic. Invite it to sit down with you for tea, hear its concerns, and let it know that you appreciate that it cares, but that its method of delivery is unhelpful and needs to change. When you hear the message it's really trying to convey, your inner critic softens and may gradually speak to you in more kind and supportive ways: What can you learn from this painful experience? What needs to happen to make wiser decisions? Is there someone you can talk to who might be able to help?

Transforming the Inner Critic

Perhaps with greater self-awareness and practice, your tenacious inner critic can transform into a supportive ally—an inner caregiver that may begin to offer the ultimate caring advice: Can you learn from setbacks, be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself, and move on with a sense of dignity?

The nasty ways our inner critic can control our life may make it hard to do this transformative work on our own. Consider getting psychological help if your inner critic is especially harsh or debilitating.

Being mindful about when your inner critic is operating allows you to get some distance from it so that you’re no longer merged with it. Remember, you are not your inner critic! As you filter out its harsh noise from its positive intentions, you may gradually find more inner peace and joy in your life.

© John Amodeo

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