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Key points
- We've been told interrupting a person is bad, but it can help the relationship when done skillfully.
- Learning nuanced and sensitive ways to interrupt helps ensure you're hearing a person.
- When you feel overwhelmed or dysregulated, it's helpful to build in pauses to improve your hearing.
In my therapy practice, I often hear couples say, “Don't interrupt me. It’s my turn to talk.” Feeling shamed, the person may back off sheepishly, but are they still listening?
I know, I know, interrupting is what you’ve been taught not to do. Most people hate to be interrupted. And there are good reasons for that.
But here’s how to do it so it helps. Interrupting with skillful sensitivity and kindness can improve your relationship by deepening engagement and connection.
But first, let’s acknowledge the commonplace ways that interrupting can indeed be disruptive.
When Interrupting Is Not Helpful
When someone shares something important, they want to be heard. They want some reflection back that is validating and supportive. They want to feel you're with them.
If they share something difficult or upsetting, they may want to blow off some steam and release stress. They want empathy and connection so they don't feel so alone.
If they’re sharing something joyful, their pleasure is amplified by your listening. By interrupting, they might think you’re not interested in hearing about their positive experience. How deeply can you allow yourself to delight in their delight? Can you experience what Buddhist psychology calls sympathetic joy or empathic joy?
Your job as a caring partner or friend is simply to listen attentively and compassionately, holding a spacious container for them as best you can. Of course, your capacity to listen deeply will vary depending on how resourced you are in that moment—how present you're able to be without distractions.
Be Mindful of Your Motivation
Being mindful of what motivates you to interrupt can help you decide whether interrupting may help or hinder the connection.
Perhaps while listening, you’re eager to share a similar experience. Or it might spark a thought you want to express. Maybe you know the person well enough that they don't mind your jumping in. Or maybe they do mind but hesitate to say so. Your options: wait til they seem done, jump in if you feel so compelled, or try a middle path by saying something like:
“I don't mean to interrupt, but I want to share something when you’re ready.” Or, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to reflect on what I think I'm hearing before you continue if that's OK."
They may pause when they’ve completed their thoughts and turn the mic to you. Or they might say, “Sure, go ahead.”
One thing to avoid is being quick to pull attention toward yourself, commandeering the direction of the conversation. Are you jumping in to connect or to aggrandize yourself? Or do you want to showcase how clever you are? Are you being propelled by wanting to be liked or respected? We all want recognition, and that’s fine. But does it really feel right to do so now, perhaps when they want you to understand or validate them? You’ll have your turn later.
Perhaps what they're sharing is triggering uncomfortable feelings inside you, such as shame if they're expressing something you did or said that was hurtful. If so, can you expand your tolerance for unpleasant emotions, being with them in a gentle way rather than dealing with them by shutting down the other person? As you learn to welcome your feelings with a sense of dignity, you might be able to listen in a more spacious way.
If you consistently have a self-centered or self-protective motivation, your partner or friend might become disheartened or withdrawn. Practicing patience and generous listening is often appreciated; it builds trust and connection.
I intend not to control your behavior but to raise your awareness of the possibilities and offer options. Women friends have told me they don't mind talking over each other, and some men don't mind either. Friends who really know each other might find this connection. But I invite you to consider an alternative that might be more satisfying.
How Interrupting Can Help the Connection
As I explained in a previous post, people’s attention spans are shrinking since the advent of the internet. For many people, several minutes of steady listening is too long. You may think (or hope) they’re listening, but their attention may wander.
Pausing between sentences (or breaths) gives them time to digest your words. It gives them a chance to catch their breath and be prepared to hear more.
As a speaker, you may be so eager to get your points across that you may not notice when your listener has spaced out or become bored or dysregulated. You’re not doing yourself any favors by insisting that someone continue listening if they can't. They may need a pause to metabolize what you're saying—or they may need maintenance doses of attention and recognition.
Of course, they could pretend to be listening because they don't want to alienate you. But then there’s little connection happening.
You can't force someone to hear you. It takes much self-soothing not to be offended when the listener wants to slow down the dialogue. I intend to help you create a climate where a satisfying connection is more likely to happen.
Here are some ways to interrupt that may help the conversation:
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need a pause so I can let in what you’re saying.”
“I really want to hear you, but I'm not quite getting it. Could you say that in a different way?”
Here’s an option when the listener is feeling triggered, such as when the speaker is expressing feelings they’re having related to you. This can be more tricky because it takes awareness and trust to show vulnerability:
“I’m feeling triggered. I want to hear you, but can we pause a moment?”
“What you’re saying is triggering some shame (or hurt or anger). I want to hear your feelings, but I need a moment to be with what's coming up for me."
These responses can help a listener who’s getting overwhelmed to practice self-soothing and get re-regulated before continuing to listen. A longer time-out may be needed if you're massively triggered.
Giving Permission for Interrupting
Greater safety and trust can be built into relationships by inviting the listener to interrupt when feeling overwhelmed or distracted. A related post offers ways to check in to make sure you’re still connected and being heard.
Building in pauses and silence, whether initiated by the speaker or listener, changes the pace of the conversation. It allows more spaciousness and flow. It gives the listener a chance to offer back some reflection, showing empathy and caring. As this gets built into a relationship, it creates a foundation for greater depth, trust, and intimacy.
Appreciation to Bret Lyon, Ph.D., for his assistance with this article.
© John Amodeo
Facebook image: Zmaster/Shutterstock
