You Are Special and Unique, Just Like Everyone Else

Source: Creative Commons image by Mohamed Hassan

A light bulb went off when I saw a bumper sticker that read: “Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.” As people read this head-turning brain-twister on my car, they often flash a wry smile. It raises the issue: Can we have self-worth and value without needing to be so special?

Attachment theory tells us that children must feel welcomed, wanted, and loved. We need to feel special in the eyes of caregivers to develop a secure internal base. Even as adults, we want to feel special to our partners and close friends.

But when does our desire to be special or unique become a liability–not only to ourselves but society?

It’s one thing to want to feel special to our partner, family, and friends. It’s quite another to want to be a special person. I’ve often seen clients who’ve been trained to believe that they’re better than others, perhaps due to their socioeconomic status, education, race, or caste. Believing that we’re superior–or should be–is a heavy burden!

One client told me, “My parents always said, ‘You’re not like everyone else. You’re special.’” This might seem like a positive message that builds self-worth. Although this might be counterintuitive, it will likely have the opposite effect.

Being special meant she had to look and act a certain way–being who she thinks others needed her to be. She had to speak, dress, and behave in ways suitable for a “special” person. When she lost her job during the coronavirus crisis, she refused to apply for public assistance, even though she had meager savings and little money for food. In her worldview, special people don't demean themselves by accepting handouts.

As we explored further, she realized that wanting to be special was a burden she no longer needed to carry. It was freeing to recognize that she could just be a normal human being, like the rest of us–and that her self-worth didn’t need to precariously rest on looking good or acting a certain way. She could be authentic without fabricating an image she presented to the world. She realized that some people would like her and others won’t. She only has control over being herself, honoring her genuine feelings and needs, and being courageously open to whatever happens.

Living an authentic life–embracing our strengths and weaknesses–allows us to live with more possibilities for genuine and satisfying intimacy. Fulfilling connections can only grow in a climate of mutual authenticity.

Difficulty Relaxing and Being Ourselves

If we think we’re better than others, we may feel compelled to maintain an image of having no flaws or limits. We may succumb to the perils of perfectionism–convinced that no one can shame us if people see how perfect and special we are. We might also develop the habit of procrastination: No one can accuse us of failing at anything if we never pursue or complete anything.

The reality is that we’re better than others at some things and not as good as them at other things. There’s nothing shameful about having limitations; there’s only the belief in our heads that we won't be viewed as special, worthy human beings if we have limits or flaws. In truth, we can be confident and self-affirming without being narcissistic, inflated, overconfident, or self-aggrandizing.

What makes you you is unique. While we have much in common with others, we each make our unique personalities and traits. We have our unique special way of being in the world. We’re irreplaceable.

It’s a tremendous relief to realize that we have worth and value without having to be better than others. We are indeed special in our unique way, just like everyone else!

© John Amodeo.