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Key points
- The past has multiple meanings for people, so start with yours when considering a school reunion.
- Revisiting the past can be a return to glory days or the chance to do an inventory: keep this, let go of that.
- The past remains meaningful as a point of contrast and is therefore worth reviewing.
Does the past matter? Is it important, or is it, as author William Faulkner wrote, “not even past?" Or is it just gone? Your view of it may inform your perspective on whether there’s any point in revisiting the past, or actively reevaluating it. It probably shapes your initial reaction to an invitation to a reunion. Does it go straight into the recycling bin or does it represent a new opportunity? The main thing to consider is that a reunion—and memories evoked in considering attending one—can elicit powerful emotions, such as anxiety. How does one decide whether to attend? Here are some perspectives on the meaning of the past that may prove helpful in this process.
“You only judge the quality of your life in retrospect, needing the wisdom of hindsight to assign comparative value.” — Author Ashok Ferrey
This quotation suggests that the past remains meaningful as a point of contrast and is therefore worth a look every so often. Who we are now can give us insight into who we were and how we did things in the past. Is anything (or anyone) that seemed terribly important then, still significant now? How has any of that changed and why?
Bringing our whole, evolved self to a process of retrospection can help us determine what from that time is valuable today. If there are a few persons you are still in contact with from those times, perhaps it is already evident that some of those relationships retain meaning and value. Are any of those people attending, and would you enjoy face-to-face conversations with them? I spoke with one friend for three hours the night before our official school reunion this past weekend, and spent four hours speaking with a friend’s mother, getting her perspective on life in a small town and what it means to age gracefully.
If you feel somewhat happy or secure in your life today, and you’ve come to a safe distance from any disappointments and embarrassments from your high school days, you may be in a position to benefit from the wisdom of hindsight; perhaps, you could attend.
“The dog days of my distant past haunt me at the dusk of my life while I get ready to embrace an eternal long night. My mistakes, my blemishes, my heartbreaks, and my ungainly acts remind me of the person I was.” — Author Udayakumar D. S.
If the past haunts you, an invitation to a reunion might represent both a frightening prospect and an opportunity to “review the bidding” and process some daunting events from that time. Facing one’s fears can prevent them from defining you in the future. One’s high school years can be associated with severe pain, even trauma. For example, when I envision the lockers in my high school, I think of the locker partner I had for four years, a friend I’ve known for five decades. Someone else might think of having been stuffed into a locker, or thrown up against one, and has a completely different association with the word “locker.”
If one’s time in school is replete with traumatic memories, it might be important to reach out to trusted persons to see if attending might become tenable based on a “strength in numbers” approach. I attended my high school reunion this past weekend, and another of my classmates did as well, but only after he knew a few of his friends would be there, keeping a seat at a safe table for him. Having a “home base” was reassuring for him, and it was arranged so that he had a seat at a table with like-minded friends with whom he had no fraught history. He reported having a good time at the reunion despite the potential for difficult encounters with a few persons who might attend. Perhaps you too wish to gain a sense of closure. Perhaps, you could attend.
“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.” — Philosopher Soren Kierkegaard
This quotation could be interpreted as saying that while it may be worthwhile to take a look back every once in a while, life goes on and time moves inexorably in only one direction. Being stuck in the past, holding tightly to our memories, and trying to keep them ever vivid and alive can rob one of the chances to “be all here”, evolve in unanticipated directions, or break new ground.
Comedian Jerry Seinfeld might say, “Not that there’s anything wrong with it,” but attending a school reunion merely to relive “glory days” might not contribute much to living forwards. But if that is one’s primary goal, it is easily accomplished. In my case, the reunion was a good experience, but it was coupled with visiting five people over the age of 85, who I might not get a chance to see again. Achievement of this additional goal made the weekend multifaceted, more complete, and reduced the risk of future regrets.
“Memories are both helpful and hurtful; we decide which to keep alive.” — Author Steve Goodier
In the end, attending a school reunion could be a chance to process pain and hurt, celebrate the positive and helpful, or choose which memories we jettison and which we carry forward. Moreover, a reunion can permit us to do an inventory and decide which memories remain with us in the future.
My reunion created a new, positive memory with persons I chose to spend time with, so positive in fact, that I’m looking forward to another in five or ten years. Though I am glad I went, I was highly ambivalent initially and didn’t decide I’d go until two weeks before. Reflecting on the meaning of the past helped me make that decision. Hopefully, this post will help others sort through their own decision process.
Note: If you do have a trauma history associated with your time in school, attend a reunion only when you have processed the most triggering aspects of your past experience and feel you have ways to successfully cope if triggered again. If you’re experiencing anxiety (clammy hands, palpitations) or panic upon receiving an invitation, then this specific reunion may not be the one to attend.
