Using Reverse Psychology on Your Spouse

You think, "Let's see, today is Saturday. My to-do list: Give kids breakfast, mow lawn, get groceries, make lunch, take kids to park, do laundry, make dinner, put kids to bed... have sex with my spouse."

If your to-do list includes having sex with your mate as an added chore, you're not alone. A survey of people in committed relationships showed that 50 percent of the women and 26 percent of the men had unwanted sex in the last two weeks.*

Wouldn't it be nice if you could have more wanted sex? After all, wanted sex leads to more good sex.

There is a way to give your spouse that nudge toward craving sex: You can use reverse psychology to take the pressure off. (Reverse psychology doesn't just work on your kids; it will work on your spouse, too.)

By the time you have mastered this game, chances are pretty good that your spouse will beg you for sex. The game is called sensate focus, a technique developed by Masters and Johnson. It is surprisingly little-known by the general public.

Here's how it works: Sex therapists typically tell couples to stop having intercourse when they first enter treatment. Instead, they encourage couples to start with sensate focus as a means of tuning in to how each partner likes to be touched.

When you practice sensate focus with your spouse at home, you tell him or her that you are going to give an all-body massage, touching your spouse wherever (except for the breasts and genitals) and however they like. You gently and firmly explain that your spouse is not under any circumstance allowed to have sex with you while you are caressing him or her. You also explain that you are not allowed to have sex afterward. The point of this game is to focus your spouse's attention on feeling pleasure, without any pressure to do so.

After some nights of doing this over the course of a couple of weeks, you finally let your spouse know that you are now willing to include caressing the breasts and genitals. You sweetly say that you are willing to give your spouse sexual release, including intercourse if he or she wishes.

Even if your spouse knows what you're up to with your reverse-psychology game, it still can work. This is especially true if it's done in a loving and playful way. The nice thing about sensate focus is that you can learn just how and where your spouse likes to be caressed.

With your wife, you may notice how her desire varies over her menstrual cycle. For instance, you may discover that she likes it when you use your hands to caress her before you use your mouth when she is in a less fertile part of her cycle, but that she wants you to go straight to oral sex and then intercourse when she is in mid-cycle. (Mid-cycle is about a week after her period has ended).

With your husband, you may discover that he needs to be stimulated orally every time you make love in order to adequately prepare him for intercourse. Then, you can have the tables turned and invite your spouse to practice sensate focus on you!

Don't forget to lock the bedroom door.

See my related post, "Why Your Wife Hates Sex and What You Can Do About It."