Loneliness and Social Norm Violations

Loneliness is defined as “a distressing feeling that accompanies the perception that one’s social needs are not being met by the quantity or especially the quality of one’s social relationships.” Loneliness is a well-known risk factor for both mental and physical health problems.

Research has linked loneliness to several individual and relational variables, including temperament, personality, marital status, education level, physical health, and social support, among others. Less attention has been paid to the potential role of social norm deviation (i.e., breaking the unwritten cultural rules about what is typically done or ought to be done in a group). This is surprising since deviations from social norms have been linked in the literature to various negative outcomes including impaired mental health and well-being, and lower academic achievements.

A new paper by Utrecht University behavioral scientist Luzia Heu and colleagues (2023) looks to fill this gap, outlining a useful framework for understanding the link between loneliness and social norm deviation. The authors argue that loneliness “can emerge if personal or relational characteristics do not fit in with a social environment.” Such deviations from social norms increase the risk for feeling lonely via both intrapersonal (e.g., feelings of alienation) and interpersonal (e.g., social rejection) paths of influence.

This framework aligns well with an evolutionary perspective of loneliness, which sees the subjective feeling as an evolved signal, a warning sign for individuals to tend to their social contacts, which, in turn, are essential to survival.

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This framework is useful because it focuses on the process of norm deviation rather than the content of specific social norms or individual characteristics. Loneliness is a universal human phenomenon. At the same time, according to this model, the individual characteristics that predispose someone to becoming lonely will differ across cultures.

As cultural norms differ, those at risk for violating them will differ, too. “Social norms can hence act as cultural moderators in the association between different individual-level characteristics and loneliness.” In this way, the model sheds light on individual differences in loneliness within a given culture as well as cross-cultural variations in loneliness risk factors. Being single, for example, will predict loneliness better in cultures where being partnered is normative.

The authors cite various studies in support of their view, showing that lonely feelings tend to increase as individuals deviate from age-appropriate cultural expectations. Moreover, the model predicts that insufficient family contact will bring about loneliness more strongly in collectivist cultures (where family ties are emphasized) compared to individualistic cultures, while the reverse is expected to be true for romantic relations, which are more prized in individualistic cultures. Indeed, research has supported both predictions. Likewise, research has found that the trait of shyness predicts loneliness better among Brazilian and Italian children than among Chinese children, as would be expected given that being shy is less of a norm deviation in China.

The model predicts that as cultures change, loneliness correlates will parallel these changes. In other words, if a certain cultural norm shifts, the meaning of deviance from it will change as well. This prediction has also found support in the literature. For example, as living alone has become more common among elderly people in the United Kingdom, its relation to loneliness has decreased.

According to the model, deviations from the norm work to bring about loneliness only if the violated norms are meaningful and consequential to the individual. Such deviation may be short-term (e.g., feeling left out at a party) or chronic (e.g., feeling isolated at work). The authors provide evidence of several mechanisms by which deviation from norms may bring about loneliness.

Intrapersonal mechanisms

• Alienation: This feeling tends to emerge when one is not feeling understood, appreciated, or validated by others. The heightened loneliness felt by members of marginalized groups may in part be due to this feeling of estrangement.
• Inauthenticity: This is experienced when one’s attitudes or behavioral tendencies do not fit their group’s norms. This lack of fit creates pressure on individuals to fake, conceal, or suppress their authentic feelings and opinions, as they are unable to align their self-presentations with their private self-perceptions. When your authentic self is hidden, it can't find nourishing connections, and loneliness emerges.
• Lower self-worth: Individuals who deviate from social norms may often experience stress and self-devaluation in part due to the human tendency to infer our worth through comparison with others.

Interpersonal Mechanisms

• Social rejection: People who deviate from social norms risk being ostracized, excluded, ignored, or confronted about their deviation in both direct and subtle ways. Members of sexual minorities, for example, may encounter overt hostility (harassed on the street) as well as more subtle forms of disapproval (not invited to the party).
• Relationship dissatisfaction: By definition, loneliness emerges when one’s social needs are not met. Opportunities to fulfill social needs are influenced by social norms. When relationships fail to meet social norms, dissatisfaction may ensue, increasing the risk for loneliness.
• Unfulfilled relational needs: Unlike relationship dissatisfaction, which emerges in one’s mind, unfulfilled relational needs “result from actual shortcomings in people’s relationships.” We all have varying relational needs (to be helped, admired, loved, reassured, intimate, etc.). If we can't establish relationships to meet our varied needs, loneliness may creep in.

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Deviations that trigger the proposed mechanisms must be either psychologically or socially relevant (or both).

• Social relevance “describes that adherence to a norm is considered relevant by different members of a group and is, thus, important for group inclusion or status within the group.” Social relevance will predict the activation of interpersonal paths to loneliness, such as social rejection.
• Psychological relevance will emerge with regard to reference groups that are important to the individual and will activate intrapersonal paths to loneliness, such as alienation.

The model holds promising clinical implications. For one, risk factors for loneliness should be considered in context, as they may differ across cultures. By this model, the question for the clinician and client dealing with loneliness is that of fit: In which areas of life does the client's behavior not fit relevant social norms? The second question will be What should be done? Here, two possible interventions are available. First, we may look to change the client’s behavior to fit better with the norm (e.g., quit smoking in a nonsmoking culture). Second, we may work to change the norm to be more inclusive so that previously ill-fitting behaviors become normative (e.g., men expressing feelings).

The proposed framework aligns well with people’s self-reports that deviating from social norms had caused their loneliness, as well as previous theorizing and converging empirical findings. Yet the research on the predictors of loneliness is mostly cross-sectional and correlational. Thus, we can’t decidedly infer causality in the relationship between norm violation and loneliness. “As much as norm deviations may cause loneliness," the authors note, "feeling lonelier may make people lose interest in aligning with social norms.” Experimental and longitudinal work is therefore needed to affirm the model’s causality assumptions.