The Narcissist's Empathy for the Underdog, Explained

If a narcissist’s personal code of conduct were consistent, far fewer individuals close to them would feel the need to seek out self-help resources to cope.

Prior to explaining how a narcissist’s interpersonal dynamics work, it's crucial to clarify the diagnostic basis for the behavior. Narcissism refers to a specific personality type that is disordered, with a deficit in empathy and a superior self-image. While narcissistic personality exists on a spectrum, the full-blown disorder is defined as narcissistic personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.; DSM–5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013). It's important to note that while most narcissistic individuals may display some of the criteria for the disorder, many will not have the full-blown disorder.

Consideration of one narcissistic personality trait – lack of empathy – highlights how inconsistent and changeable a narcissist’s behavior towards others is. In particular, how the narcissist treats others is noticeably inconsistent, a reality that confuses those who are close to a narcissist at work or in their personal life.

The narcissist often uses a vacillating set of social rules when determining how to treat another. For instance, the narcissist may treat one individual well but treat another badly. How does the narcissist decide how to treat someone? Do they stick to a consistent moral code of apologizing to anyone when they’ve done something hurtful? Do they avoid lying or being cruel to anyone they encounter, understanding that such behavior is wrong?

Anyone who has close and frequent proximity to a narcissist knows that the narcissist’s behavior is defined by inconsistency, or an ever-shifting reality and moral code. The narcissist’s treatment of others isn’t constant and derivative of a core set of principles of what are right and wrong ways to treat others, but rather is determined by the narcissist’s need to present himself or herself in a particular light (e.g., powerful, virtuous, victimized).

The basis for how one individual treats another is directly related to empathy, including how much empathy one has for the other. One myth about narcissists is that they have no empathy. It is not accurate to suggest that narcissists have no empathy whatsoever; it is accurate that narcissists have limited empathy, and that the narcissist is extremely selective in how and when they show the limited empathy they have. For context, the narcissistic adult has been socialized and has witnessed empathy between others across their lifespan, so narcissists have typically developed traces of empathy. The problem is that the empathy is not deep or consistent, which causes problems in work and personal relationships.

The love for the underdog and the hatred for a high-achiever

When the narcissist does feel or show empathy toward others, what types of people stir the little empathy they have? What types of people are the lucky recipients of their kindness and compassion? When narcissists exercise their empathy, they often show it to individuals whom they perceive to be vulnerable or inferior in some way. As an example, a narcissist may reserve their kindest behavior for someone disabled or an elderly person. They may have empathy for individuals in physical pain or emotional pain, including those struggling with an upsetting or tragic life event.

What’s crucial to note is that narcissists may allow themselves to access some empathy for these individuals because these individuals are not seen as a threat to narcissists' ego; they don’t trigger in the narcissist the sense of competition that drives their behavior.

The individuals for whom narcissists feel little or no empathy are those who have something the narcissist craves – and it varies from narcissist to narcissist. A particular image is what the narcissist craves the most, and it could be an image of someone who is financially rich, incredibly well-liked, or physically beautiful, among others. Individuals who embody the dreamed-of trait are seen as extreme threats to the narcissist’s ego, as the narcissist operates from the scarcity mindset that says there simply isn’t enough attention and admiration for everyone to go around. Their modus operandi when it comes to attention and recognition: catch and devour.

What triggers a narcissist

Ultimately, one of the greatest emotional triggers for the narcissist is the attention another gets. When the narcissist sees someone talented and likable getting recognized for being special, the sense of overwhelm is almost too much for the narcissist to bear. Because the narcissist sees that highly regarded individual as “winning” or “getting it all,” they can no longer see the individual as a real person who has their own set of positive and negative feelings, or their own history of emotional triumphs and losses. In short, the narcissist cannot summon even the slightest empathy for the same individuals they see as a threat.

In conclusion, what’s most important to understand about the narcissist’s selective and inconsistent empathy is that showing compassion and empathy hinge almost entirely on their own fragile ego. If one wanted to be emotionally safest in the company of a narcissist, they would be safest if they demanded little and propped up the narcissist so the narcissist can hold onto their self-image which they prize above all else.