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Do we judge our friends? If I base my response solely on my clinical experience counseling men and women on relationships and other major life issues, the answer is undoubtedly Yes. I have found is that there are two primary triggers for judging friends—envy and stress. But before we discuss these triggers, I want to highlight some research that suggests the opposite.
Leising, Gallrein, and Dufner (2014) found that people judge their friends' behavior more positively than strangers. This finding makes sense, in general, because we obviously feel more favorably about people we care about or love. But does the study's finding mean that we never judge our friends? Are they really excluded from the judgments we pass on other people?
In my clinical work, I have found that men and women do judge their friends, regardless of what any of us wants to believe. One important observation I've made is that the things we judge friends for don't much differ much from the types of things for which we judge others. When we feel truly negatively about a particular behavior or issue, we may judge everyone on that criterion—spouse, friend, coworker or stranger. I have heard many people vehemently deny that they would ever judge their friends, but the reality may be that judging others is a natural function of having social relationships. Judging others, then, doesn't make one a "bad person."
I hear social judgments firsthand from both my male and female clients, and I've noticed, as mentioned above, that the two prime triggers for judgments of friends appear to be stress and envy.
First, let's discuss stress: When you're stressed, your defenses are down and you are vulnerable to the leakage of intense, negative feelings. When we feel stress, we're more impatient and our true feelings often slip out. For example, while you may prefer to tell others that your old friend is simply having a little fun after a rough divorce by dating much younger partners, when we throw some stress into your life, you might admit that you actually believe your friend has turned into that awful, midlife-crisis caricature.
The old saying, "In wine, there is truth," which suggests that people's true feelings come out under the influence of alcohol, applies here, as a similar dynamic may be at work regarding stress and the judging of friends. In times of stress, do you show how you truly feel about your friend, or is a snap judgment simply an impulsive thought that doesn't reflect your overall view of the person? I find that most people still care deeply for their friends despite the occasional judgmental thought or comment, and that they don't necessarily feel as negatively as a single flip, judgmental comment expressed in a moment of stress may suggest. For this reason, we shouldn't hold our friends too accountable when it appears that they have judged us in a random, isolated moment.
As for envy, it, too, can be a powerful trigger for judging friends. In my clinical work, I've noticed two particular areas that trigger envy and, in turn, social judgment—one for men and for women. Women who are experiencing difficulty getting pregnant sometimes judge friends who've had an easier time of it, because those friends have something they desperately want. And I've heard more men than I can count say something judgmental and dismissive of a male friend who is more financially successful. In some ways, this is logical: Deep down, we all have certain needs, and watching someone else, even (or especially) a friend have theirs met while we go without can be frustrating and painful.
The key, when it comes to social judgments, is to be aware of your thoughts and feelings, and to aim, above all else, to remain down-to-earth and humble. The more you're aware of your own unmet needs, emotional or otherwise, the more you'll be able to control your behaviors and comments in real time with the people who matter most to you.
Feel free to explore my book on dysfunctional relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve, or follow me on Twitter!
Reference
D. Leising, A.M. Gallrein, and M. Dufner (2014). Judging the behavior of people we know: objective assessment, confirmation of preexisting views, or both? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40, 2, 153-63.
